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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you how to stay strong when your child is sick?

25 replies

LadyRabbit · 26/11/2013 23:32

Just that really. Need my hand holding and any tips you have if your child has had surgery and you have been scared but how you managed not to transmit that fear to them. Took my child for a routine check up and everything moved so quickly in a matter of minutes. Facing surgery, potentially a few procedures, praying it is a best case scenario.

But I am terrified.

Please please MNers, you are a wise bunch. How do I do this?

Thank you.

OP posts:

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 26/11/2013 23:38

Oh bless you I have no experience of this but I wanted to say I hope your DC makes a quick and speedy recovery.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 26/11/2013 23:38

Holding your hand. I take deep (but quiet) breaths and think about something completely different. I've usually had time to prepare myself before procedures and nearly fainted at a yucky, not predicted sight. I just tell myself to be strong and calm for my boys. I hope your dc gets well very soon. You will do whatever you have to do (and prepare to shake afterwards).

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2013 23:38

I have never been in quite your position but I really feel for you. I'm not surprised you're terrified if it's all happened quickly and out of the blue.

But whatever it is, they've found it and they've come up with treatments so I'll be keeping everything crossed for you all that all goes well (which I'm sure it will).

Have you got family and friends around you for support?

Plomino · 26/11/2013 23:42

You take a deep breath , you hold their hand firmly , and you plaster a brave face on to get you through the first bit . And you pretend like hell .

Well that's what I did , when DS2 was flown to hospital in the air ambulance with a fractured skull , whilst still conscious and in considerable distress . It's not easy, not at all , but he was upset enough . I had to be strong enough for both of us . You will find the strength to do this . I don't know where it comes from, but I assure you that it does . Some people recommend honesty . I didn't have that as a viable option at the time .

Snowbility · 26/11/2013 23:42

I don't know where the courage comes from but you know you have to be strong for them because that's what they need you to do. Best wishes for the surgery, I hope you get the strength to glide through it.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 26/11/2013 23:44

Hand holding x
You get through by watching for every tiny sign of improvement. DS was very poorly as a tiny baby and was in hospital for quite a while. I remember the first time he screamed getting a blood test done - he'd had them daily but hadn't had the strength to fight or cry. I knew then that he would get better.

Also - ask as many questions as you need to of the med staff.

Crossing everything for you and yours :-) x

Original poster

LadyRabbit · 26/11/2013 23:56

Thank you. DH is away but has managed to get on the first flight home. No close family where we live so I am on my own trying to slap on a smile while shaking inside. I feel sick with fear and I know my DS can sense it. I can't think straight, I've had to process so much important information in just a few hours that it's overwhelming. But you're right - my job is to make him know it's all going to be alright.

I would find being very sick myself would be much, much easier to deal with if that makes sense. It's killing me to see my LO scared of all the nurses and doctors, lovely as they are, and the tests etc. Very hard to explain it away as a big adventure isn't it.

OP posts:

Plomino · 27/11/2013 00:06

You're doing really really well . If you need to ask questions , don't be afraid to ask , because I can remember being hit with a barrage of info , which of course went straight out of my head . The staff won't mind , honest . I think I ended up writing everything down in the end , albeit partly as something to do . If you can , try and look after yourself too . Make sure you get a drink at least, because now is not the time to be dehydrated . You can do this .

Have another hand whilst DH is getting home x

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/11/2013 00:13

As others have said you breath, you put in your smily happy face and once they take your baby from you and you have left the room only then do you let the tears come.
I also don't know where the strength comes from, but it does. I believe in god and I found praying helped me not in a formal way, but lying in the dark on the z bed next to here cot just asking him to watch over her. Not for everyone I know,

AlicanteLullaby · 27/11/2013 06:08

My son was very poorly last year and I found that, as previous posters have said, the courage just comes from somewhere. Make sure you look after yourself when you are with him, people don't always think to ask if you've had a drink or a meal and it's easy to forget in that situation. If it helps, have a snivel on a nurse or hospital Chaplin, they are normally quite happy to be cried on!

Snowbility · 27/11/2013 07:01

How are things this morning, has your dh arrived yet?

Tailtwister · 27/11/2013 07:11

DS2 became very ill when he was a small baby and like others have said, you just seem to find the strength to cope from somewhere. I think your instincts take over and you know you need to be strong for your child. It's only later on in private I found I cried.

I don't have experience of my own child going into surgery, but I have been present when other children have and the staff are very well trained to do the best for the child and parents. They do all they can to work in a calm and reassuring manner and will give you all the information you need to stay as calm and in control as possible. Don't feel bad if there are tears when you leave your child, that is completely normal and the staff will expect it.

I'll be thinking of you and you little one OP.

Lweji · 27/11/2013 07:14

Huge hug.

You have to keep hoping for the best and trust the doctors.

And give lots of cuddles and love. Whatever happens the most important thin is for your LO to feel loved and cared for.

Fingers crossed for your DS.

babywipesaremagic · 27/11/2013 07:16

You just have to fake it. You put a smile on your face and chatter about all his favourite things and you hold yourself together until it is over and he is better.

When it's all over you can fall apart. You'll find the strength in you to do that because that's what parents do.

I do know what you are going through and it's the hardest thing in the world. In some ways I found the surgeries harder than when ds2 was in ICU because I had agreed to it. Just keep reminding yourself that it's for the best. Also prepare yourself for the pre surgery chat, you will already be emotional and they will spell out every possible complication, they have to do it but it's very hard to hear just before you send dc off to surgery.

Good luck, I hope it all goes well.

cory · 27/11/2013 07:26

- so sorry that you are going through this, LadyRabbit

I have always found that if you fake it for your child's sake then the strength comes and it does become more bearable for you too.

Foxeym · 27/11/2013 07:29

You'll be surprised how strong you can be. My DD has scoliosis (spine curvature) since birth and has been in spinal braces since she was 3, last year at age 13 she had her spinal fusion involving ribs being removed and metal rods and bolts being put in her spine to straighten it. This wasn't helped by the fact that me and her dad had just split up. I dealt with it on my own, sleeping at the hospital with my other DD and although hard, we got through it and now she is fine other than regular check ups :)

VisualiseAHorse · 27/11/2013 07:33

Lots of brilliant advice here already. I have nothing to add, except to hold your hand and to wish you all the best and a speedy recovery for your child.

JoandMax · 27/11/2013 07:42

You just fake it as best you can! Smile, laugh, play even though you're screaming inside.....

DS2 was very poorly, he had surgery at 6 months, 16 months and 2 years - its horrible leaving them but you just have to be strong and remember you're doing this to make them well.

Lean on friends and family as much as you can, people genuinely want to help with cooking or shopping so let them! Don't try to take it all on yourself.

And when they go to sleep at night you cry your eyes out then put on your brave face for the next day.....

Sending all the thoughts and love to your lovely boy x

Original poster

LadyRabbit · 27/11/2013 10:37

Thanks so much everyone. My DH will be here in a few hours which will make it easier. I managed to get some sleep last night which makes it a little clearer but I think we might be in for a long road. It's the not knowing for sure right now, and I am a bit prone to panicking in situations like this. But thank you so much, it's amazing how just knowing there are other people out there who have been there (or not) are thinking of us. All virtual hugs/thoughts/prayers gratefully received, not fussy, I need all the positive vibes possible!

OP posts:

Sirzy · 27/11/2013 10:41

Hope your child is better soon.

You just find a way to do it, and if you can't you find a way to fake it when needed.

Make sure you talk to the staff, whenever DS has been in they have been great and more than once I have sat and had a good cry with one of the nurses.

If you are sleepng in the hospital get someone to bring a pillow in from home!

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 27/11/2013 10:42

Lots of handholding, let other people support and help. And fake it. You're doing it already, so your track record for getting through difficult days is 100% already! X

meditrina · 27/11/2013 10:43

Have you googled for a support group for the condition or procedure?

There are many wise and generous people out there who will give help freely.

Lilicat1013 · 27/11/2013 10:52

I'm sending a hug, you are doing really well. Hopefully you get lots of positive news soon.

elfycat · 27/11/2013 12:46

Most parents have a little wobble after taking a child down to theatre. More than one I've been the nurse handing out tissues and giving a RL hug if needed. We don't mind a bit. We think it's quite normal. So give up on the idea of having to hold it together at all times, as that just builds up even more pressure.

Would you consider using rescue remedy? - a complementary therapy with no drug component well except for the brandy but there are cheaper ways to buy that. If you put a few drops in water it is suitable for children too, or they do gummy pastilles these day. It's for shock, pressure, anger, that floaty feeling you get when you feel out of control, irritation and panic. It might be placebo but it might still work.

Livingtothefull · 27/11/2013 13:56

Just wanted to send you my support. I have just seen my DS through surgery so I know how it feels. Try to focus on the present, on what is happening right now....this may help control your fears. You be strong for your DC and be confident and upbeat for him,keeping a smile on your as once you seem confident it will all be OK in the end, that will rub off on him.

My very best wishes to you & your family

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