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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my friend all to myself...

21 replies

fackinell · 26/11/2013 23:31

...for the last time I may see her?

Going on a trip with DP and his DD. I will be seeing my good friend who is terminally ill, I've known her for years. I feel a bit U as DP has met her and her family twice and really likes them, but to me, somehow this time feels poignant.

Her prognosis is a few more months although she appears strong and 'well.' Because of her condition, her behaviour is a little uninhibited, although still respectably so (I don't mean that in a facetious way, just that I wouldn't want others to view her in a position that I know the former her would be uncomfortable with.) I just want my possible last time with her to be relaxed and special. We live 500 miles apart and I don't know when I'll get back.

I've dropped strong hints that I'd like to go alone but DP is looking forward to seeing them and introducing his DD. Feeling pretty emotional about it and I'm rather private about that too. I feel a bit selfish to want to go alone but I'd prefer they entertained themselves for a few hrs so my DFriend can be herself and her DH and DC can just chill. Her DH dragged me out for an imaginary cig last time just to to rant about how helpless he feels. I don't want there to be a facade for 'company ' on their part.

OP posts:

bundaberg · 26/11/2013 23:33

well, would it be possible for DP to come with you, say hi, introduce DD and then go off and do something else so you can spend time with your friend?

ChasedByBees · 26/11/2013 23:35

I think you need to have a chat with your DP - no hints. If he's a decent man he should understand. So sorry, it must be very difficult.

Balaboosta · 26/11/2013 23:36

If that's what you want, then say so. Hope your trip goes well.

Preciousbane · 26/11/2013 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trashcanjunkie · 26/11/2013 23:39

Please just tell your dp. If he's worth his salt he'll understand. Hints don't work. You will be left feeling resentful, and that's not fair on him. Honesty is difficult sometimes, but better in the long run. Good luck

Original poster

fackinell · 26/11/2013 23:46

Thanks all.

the quick introduction is good in theory. but wouldn't work as they wouldn't hear of them saying hi and leaving.

Struggling between them wanting some kind of fake normality and knowing what in my heart would feel most comfortable. Would they prefer the distraction and no big goodbye? Or a more intimate setting like it was before, with someone they know well and can be totally themselves with?

I know which is prefer but it's not about me.

OP posts:

Original poster

fackinell · 26/11/2013 23:55

Sorry, I meant to add, he would be fine with not going. He wants to see them and show off his DD (sweet, beautiful, awkward little extra of 'The Rocky Horror picture Show' that she is) of whom he is fiercely proud.

Just not sure it's the time or place and from their POV, not important in the grand scheme of things. He's a great guy but sometimes can't see past the end of his own nose. Just missing that chip until its pointed out.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 26/11/2013 23:58

Tut, just tell him

Sorry if that sounds grumpy or harsh, but I lost a close friend and I wouldn't want to have shared my last moments with someone she barely know or a child for that matter.

I am sorry to hear of this sadness. Do it your way.

Cerisier · 27/11/2013 00:04

I am sorry to hear about your friend, what an awful situation.

I can't believe DP is being so insensitive. It is not appropriate for his DD to go on this visit, however proud he is of her. Please tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel (though he shouldn't need telling). If he digs his heels in then that tells you something you need to know for your own relationship going forward.

Original poster

fackinell · 27/11/2013 00:08

Thanks Monty, doesn't sound grumpy, I like straight talking.
I'm sorry about your friend.

And about your Father, Precious.

Yes, Id like to do it alone, DP could politely distract himself from an outburst of justifiable anger from DFriend, but it would be awkward for a teen and for the others concerned. DP is sad he may not see her again. His DM died of the same condition and my DFriend's children are so small. It's just bloody awful. My heart hurts for all of them. It's so not about me but just thinking about seeing her memory box sets me off.

OP posts:

Original poster

fackinell · 27/11/2013 00:18

He won't mind, Cerisier, he is proud of DD but he would respect me asking him to back off. I'm not quite sure his exact reason for really wanting to go, I'm probably being unfair saying its to show off his DD, although he does love to.

Maybe he sees it as supportive, maybe it's about his situ with his DM or maybe he just wants to see her one last time too. TBH, I've been looking forward to and dreading this moment for weeks. I'm not sure I trust my own judgement and reasoning right now...

OP posts:

Monty27 · 27/11/2013 01:35

Thanks for accepting my 'straight talking'. I have more (eek).

This is not about your dp, dd, or dp's dm. This is about you and your friend.

Please keep it special for you both. You'll cherish it.

karmakoala · 27/11/2013 01:49

OP, does he think that he needs to be there to support you through this? Talk to him and explain that you need to do this alone and you need him there for you afterwards.

I'm sorry that all of you are facing this awful time

MrsMook · 27/11/2013 03:32

Tell him and do it the right way for you. This is part of your greiving process.

A different situation, but I've always resented my last pre-baby visit to a friend being hijacked by a mutual aquaintance. She had a tendancy to gate-crash social arrangements and her presence always changed the dynamic. It was never quite going to be the same again with babies/ children present from then on, and we were looking forwards to that last adult only encounter before it changed.

Sokmonsta · 27/11/2013 07:45

I think I'd be telling dp that while it would be lovely of your friend to meet his dd for the first time, it's hardly appropriate to introduce a teen at a time when you want to focus wholly on your friend and her family, not be worrying after what the impact of meeting a dying woman would have on the teen.

You say your dp has only met your friend a couple of times. So it's not like they are particularly close either.

This time should be just for your friend and her closest friends, ie you. You recognise that your friend's family might not feel able truly comfortable with a couple of strangers around so you do need to stand up for them and say that. You may be able to make another visit in the future. But it sounds like you expect this to be your last perhaps while she is still reasonably well and therefore it's unreasonable for your dp and his dd to impose on that time.

ll31 · 27/11/2013 08:12

What would your friend prefer? Think I'd ask her, she may want to see dd?

WooWooOwl · 27/11/2013 08:21

I agree you should ask your friend. If you are close she will probably appreciate you being straight with her, it must be hard having people tip toe around you not knowing what to do for the best when they could just ask.

It might make a difference whether her DP is going to be around or not. She might prefer another man there to make small take with him so she can chat to you, or if he's not going to be there then there may be no need for him to come. Maybe he could pick you up from seeing her and he'd get a chance to say hello then?

struggling100 · 27/11/2013 08:23

I think you need to be careful how you approach this. I understand that this is extremely emotional for you, as it feels like you will be saying 'goodbye' to your friend. However, I'm slightly concerned that you're thinking about this in relation to your DP and his DD, but not to your friend herself, and her preferences.

This visit isn't about you and your farewell - it's about your friend. If she is still in reasonable health, it may be extremely weird, and very upsetting for her to have a 'last' visit from someone so prematurely (even if you will be away for some time). It may be that the most supportive thing you can do is to be as normal as possible, and to try to leave your friend feeling more positive and upbeat.

This is not about you, your DP, or your DP's daughter. It's about your friend and what she would prefer. This article is absolutely terrific on putting the person who is ill at the centre of the world at these times, and has a method in it that might help!

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Original poster

fackinell · 27/11/2013 11:24

Thanks all.

Struggling, I've said it a few times and I totally get that it's not about me, I'm only considering what she would want and asking would be a good idea, although she has such a warmth that she would say yes to them coming along even if she didn't want them to. Also, it would highlight the fact that I think this may be our last time. We are also having an outing so I may just sneak off early so I get some time and judge if I should suggest them popping in to collect me when I'm there.

Thank you for the link though, I shall have a look.

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 27/11/2013 11:31

Perhaps because your friend is so special to you, he would like your DD to know that she had met her.

My aunt had cancer, and we have a beautiful photo of her with my DS1 and my cousin's DD1 who are a similar age. She was so utterly delighted to see them and I have the photo to show DS1 when he has grown up, of him meeting someone who was so very special to me. His being too young to remember doesn't matter.

My aunt died several days later.

Original poster

fackinell · 27/11/2013 11:48

Apprentice, It's DP's DD, my DSD to be. Perhaps that is his thinking but today I think it's more about us all experiencing things together. I know the age that DSD is, she probably won't realise the significance of the situation.

I'll go along along and judge the situation then decide. You have all been very helpful and I loved that link. One of her other friends was practically hysterical and she got turned about at the door. We have a lovely positive banter (her DH and I) where she says 'when' we roll our eyes and shout 'IF.' We are fooling no one and she tuts and laughs at us,but it makes the whole atmosphere lighter for her. Of course, her very real fears are taken seriously, this is just in general 'Ill be dead by Christmas' chit-chat.

OP posts:

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