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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up DH won't even try to quit smoking.

19 replies

warriorwoman · 26/11/2013 21:44

AIBU to be so angry, upset and fed up with my DH for not even TRYING to give up smoking? We are sleeping in separate rooms now, because he coughs very loudly all the time and he snores really loudly. He did stop for a couple of months several years ago and he stopped snoring, but he started smoking again.

I feel so lonely sleeping on my own and it makes me really upset that he might stop snoring if he stopped smoking and we could sleep together again, but he doesn't even at least try to quit. He doesn't get that I just would like to see him try, we are hardly talking at the moment...

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 26/11/2013 21:45

No one can make someone else quit smoking. He has to want to do it or it will never work.

Sorry. But that's the truth of addiction.

Sirzy · 26/11/2013 21:46

Smoking is an addiction, unless HE wants to quit then there is no point even trying.

Monty27 · 26/11/2013 21:46

It's not necessarily due to smoking that he snores. I think you're being a tad insensitive. Many people snore that don't smoke.

Being on his back about quitting smoking, I can assure you will not help matters. He's got to want to do it, for himself.

WooWooOwl · 26/11/2013 21:56

If he has always told you that he would try to quit, then YANBU to expect it.

If he has not expressed much desire to quit, then YABU to think that he will. There is no pont in him trying to quit if he simply doesn't want to. It won't work, and would just cause tension until he started again.

Original poster
warriorwoman · 26/11/2013 22:04

He has been saying for the last 2 years or so that he will try to quit and that he misses sharing a bed with me and then he doesn't even try to quit... I know I can't make him want to quit, but why say that you are going to try and then don't even try and then say your sad that we don't sleep together any more.
I realise that he might still snore even if he stops smoking, but as he did stop snoring in the past when he stopped for a couple of months, there is a chance that it might be connected.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 26/11/2013 22:08

Being on his back about quitting smoking, I can assure you will not help matters. He's got to want to do it, for himself.

This is true, and it also made me think - does he sleep on his back? DH starts off on his back and it always makes him snore. I just roll him over and it stops.

LineRunner · 26/11/2013 22:09

If he's scared about having the cravings and of losing the crutch, you could have a look at e-cigs. A friend of mine has cut down from a 50 a day habit to 5, using one of these.

There's an e-cig thread somewhere.

The coughing sounds worrying and he should ask his GP for a chest xray tbh.

Sorry you have this to deal with. It's a horrible addiction for everyone involved.

schnockles · 26/11/2013 22:10

After your last post warrior, YANBU. My DH is the same; always promising he'll try to quit. Last year it was "I'll quit before the baby comes", this year it was "I'll quit as soon as he's here", now it's "I really need to quit".

Then fucking do it!!

Although yes, it's an addiction etc. Which is why you can't make him. It's just so very crap to hear the same thing over and over, but yet no effort is made...

Original poster
warriorwoman · 26/11/2013 22:48

Yes, exactly, going on about quitting, but not doing a thing to try... A bit of effort would be so refreshing.
He snores in every position, so rolling him over doesn't help. His snoring has just got louder over the years.
He has had his cough checked out and there was nothing to worry about, according to DH. Which just gave him the green card to carry on smoking.
Thanks for the e-cig suggestion, he tried one and said he didn't like them and has been told how great they are by someone who has quit using them, but still doesn't want to try them.
He says he wants to quit, but can't imagine going on holiday and not smoking!!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 26/11/2013 22:53

You'll need to accept it OP. Sorry. The more you leave off him about it the more inclined he may be to actually do it.

HildaOgden · 26/11/2013 22:57

Buy him the Allen Carr book 'Easy Way to stop Smoking' and wrap it in a sexy pair of knickers.

It might work Grin

SueSueHeck · 26/11/2013 22:57

I used to nag dh to stop as well. I lost both my parents in their early sixties to smoking and couldn't understand why he wouldn't stop for the sake of our 2 dds.

He had a stroke earlier this year, not a bad one thankfully but a stroke all the same. He stopped then and there.

They have to want to stop smoking. All the nagging in the world won't do any good.

I feel for you. I know how helpless you feel watching them cough their lungs up every day. Sad

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 26/11/2013 23:12

The same thing I said to my DH as I smoke.

When we 1st started dating i was a smoker, if he didn't like a relationship with a smoker he shouldn't have dated me in the first place.

I have tried so many times to give up and failed every time.

MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2013 23:16

Id find it unbearable to sleep next to someone who snored loudly AND had a massive, hacking cough. Id be on edge for the whole night, thats if I could get any sleep. If he wants to continue smoking though OP, Im not sure what you can do really. If he is struck with a disease caused by his smoking I wonder if he'll expect you to stay around caring for him as he coughs his guts up into his brekky, etc. I smoked for 28 years - I still smoke now as I like smoking and to be honest, have absolutely no intention of giving up. Difference is, I vape & smoke e-cigs now. Part of me switching was due to immense guilt that my family had been around a smoky atmosphere several times, due to my habit. You have to consider those around you. If he doesnt want to stop, you're stuck though..sorry

friday16 · 27/11/2013 06:33

I lost both my parents in their early sixties to smoking and couldn't understand why he wouldn't stop for the sake of our 2 dds.

Was he smoking when you got together? Why did you think he'd stop, then?

BohemianGirl · 27/11/2013 07:03

e-cigs are still nicotine and dont break the hand-to-mouth cycle of smoking

smokefree.nhs.uk/ways-to-quit/local-nhs-stop-smoking-service/

Stick your post code in here and find your local pharmacist to help you. Its free, 12 weeks of two types of support - I had patches and tablets - I was on 40 a day, been smoke free for 5 months now.

BUT he has to want to give up. No amount of your nagging will make him stop

Dolallytats · 27/11/2013 07:05

YANBU. My DH has been trying to give up for years. A few weeks ago he had a, thankfully minor, stroke. Smoking is a huge risk factor in having another and he is still smoking.

I understand the addiction, I gaver up smoking myself around 10 years ago, but the fear for his health make me feel angry, frustrated and disappointed with him.

SueSueHeck · 27/11/2013 07:19

Friday yes he was. However after becoming a father and watching my parents die horrible smoking related deaths, yes I did think he could consider stopping. Especially as he said he would stop when dd1 was born. Thanks for the compassion though .

Lweji · 27/11/2013 07:21

He's promising you so that you stop nagging. It doesn't come from him.

You do have to take a step back, or if it makes you that angry, get out.
Or wear ear plugs.

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