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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and mollycoddling my toddler?

26 replies

ExcitedEmmy · 25/11/2013 14:35

We had a friend and her children round to play yesterday. My eldest daughter and her friend kept saying no to my toddler, who's 18 months, and you can't do this, don't do that and so on. I asked if they could change their phrasing to things dd can do instead of things she can't so she didn't keep getting frustrated. So, for example, they were colouring and toddler dd grabbed the end of one of the elder childrens pens. Cue lots of no, you can't have it etc. and toddler being annoyed at being reprimanded. I asked that they explain that they're using that one but perhaps hand dd another one and ask her to colour with that one. Dd then reacts fine. My friend made it clear she thinks I'm mollycoddling dd and that no should mean no even if it results in lots of tantrums. Dd does listen if I say no - if she's about to do something dangerous for example - and I think no would have less impact if she hears it constantly. AIBU to rephrase/distract rather than refuse?

OP posts:
LambChopsRarePlease · 25/11/2013 14:38

No YANBU,

It's positive parenting. It works for you. Kids who hear no over and over and over just stop listening to the word and end up deaf to it.

Sparklymommy · 25/11/2013 14:39

Yanbu. I'd have been fuming if my 'friend' constantly told my child off. How would she like it if you constantly reprimanded her children?

CrohnicallyTired · 25/11/2013 14:40

YANBU. I work in a school and we are asked to phrase things in a 'positive' manner. Apart from anything else, you need to teach children what TO do, not just what NOT to do.

Hypothetical example- I see a child running down the corridor. I tell them to stop running, and they stop running but do cartwheels instead. Technically, they've done as they were asked! Should I therefore say 'no running, and no cartwheels, and no skipping, and no jumping...' By which time they will have a) forgotten what I said first and b) got bored and wandered off.

Now imagine that I tell them to walk down the corridor. If they do as they are asked, then they are doing the right thing. No ambiguity this time!

MolotovCocktail · 25/11/2013 14:41

You sound like a lovely Mum and with that kind of positive instruction and reinforcement, you will help ro raise a happy, confident little girl.

YANBU. Ignore your friend.

dashoflime · 25/11/2013 14:41

YANBU. I agree with Sparklymommy If you are present and paying attention then she should be stepping back and allowing you to discipline your own child in your own way.

Parliamo · 25/11/2013 14:49

I think what you said was fine. If thats your style then you're quite right to insist on it in your house, and your friend is being rude to comment. You don't say how old the older ones are though, and the positive language thing might be trickier for them than you think.

'You're not her mummy' is a phrase that gets used quite a lot here. Followed by 'it's my job to tell her No or what she can/ can't do'. Dd1 and I spend a lot of time out bossing each other Smile

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 25/11/2013 14:54

They're aged 8 and 10. My 6 year manages with the positive language thing so I figured they should be able to too. My friend thinks I'm making dd into a brat.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 25/11/2013 14:59

but isnt that your job?

to say 'why dont you play with this pen dd?'

your friend may feel a bit narked that her kids are actually being well behaved and just colouring but that even the way they speak is being criticised iyswim?

your dd will have to learn no sometime, not everyone she comes across will use positive language unfortunatley

(I do with mine but wouldnt expect my neices to if she was grabbing their pens)

Millenniumbug1 · 25/11/2013 15:03

No, you're making DD into a confident, positive girl who is learning that when she can't have her own way, it is not a negative thing but there is another way forward for her or another thing for her to do.
How many of us respond so much better to, "try this," or, "well done, but it would be even better if..." than, "no you can't, don't do that, you're not old/good enough," etc.
FWIW, it think that YANBU, you are being very sensible & in the right Biscuit

monicalewinski · 25/11/2013 15:16

I was going to say YANBU, then read NotYoMomma's post and agreed with what she said too.

You are right about the positive phrasing etc, but she also can't be shielded from the slightly negative all the time.

So, you are absolutely NBU (but a tiny, wee bit U by expecting everyone else to be positive all the time).

DoJo · 25/11/2013 15:17

I agree that it might be a bit much to expect children to remember to follow your parenting techniques, so why not intervene yourself?

CoffeeTea103 · 25/11/2013 15:30

Yabu I think, you can't expect everyone to follow the way you parent, least of all children who might forget. Also she will encounter people saying no to her many times, will she be able to cope then?

MrsMoon76 · 25/11/2013 15:50

Surely its up to you to intervene in this situation so that your toddler isn't annoying the two older ones? BTW I agree with the idea of positive reinforcement but I don't think its the children's responsibility.

treas · 25/11/2013 16:08

Sorry but shouldn't you be monitoring what your dd does not your elder dd and friend - nothing more frustrating for children than little ones getting in the way and then being expected to accommodate their needs.

Your dd1 and her friend are there to play with each other not with dd2, in the same way that when dd2 has friends around dd1 shouldn't be interfering in her games.

CailinDana · 25/11/2013 17:09

I think your approach is good but you should be putting it into action simply because 18 month olds, cute as they are, are unreasonable little animals and it's a bit mean to expect two young girls to deal with the constant disruption in a patient way. I would ask them to stop saying no but I would then be the one to distract in order to let the girls get on with their playing. Plenty of time for dealing with toddlers when they're mums themselves!

OTheHugeManatee · 25/11/2013 17:14

I think YABU for trying to make children follow your parenting method. If I were your friend I think I would also feel a bit like you had unreasonable epectations for how much of the world should revolve around your toddler.

intitgrand · 25/11/2013 17:36

I'd have been fuming if my 'friend' constantly told my child off
I think it was her DDS friend that told the 18m off.(although it was her mother who said she would be spoilt)

SteamWisher · 25/11/2013 17:40

You should be intervening not leaving children to deal with an 18 month old. So YABU

Moreisnnogedag · 25/11/2013 17:49

I agree that you might be asking a smudge much of the other children to put up with your dd hassling them. I know you see that she's just trying to join but for them it won't feel like. Rather than telling them off (which may have got your friend's back up) why didn't you distract her or do all the positivity thing?

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 26/11/2013 13:03

I was sitting at the table too. Toddler dd was trying to talk to them and elder dds friend kept telling my dd not to answer her and concentrate on what they were doing, then telling toddler dd: 'stop talking to us, no she isn't talking she's colouring' etc hence why I intervened and asked her to be kind to toddler dd and so on. Funny thing is, when we had tea my friends dd said she wanted salt on her food. Her mum put her hand over the top and pretended to put it on Confused Her daughter wasn't believing it and took it and put some on herself. So much for my ways making kids into brats and her being so keen to say no Wink

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 26/11/2013 13:20

I agree with chronically tired.

Nothing wrong with saying no and it's your job to put a positive soon on things of that's the way forward you want to go. Good luck with itWink

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/11/2013 13:24

YANBU at all but on the flip side, my 9 year old looked a bit concerned when my friend's three year old grabbed her brand new felt tip pens...just bought for her birthday...and when DD made a subtle move to get them from the area, my mate said "Oh let him have them! He won't ruin them...he doesn't."

Bollocks. He's THREE! He of course then sucked one and pressed another too hard and I was cross at myself for letting it happen.

pianodoodle · 26/11/2013 13:28

Sometimes you have to say a big fat "no" but in certain situations if there is a lot going on and a lot a toddler can't do you're much better providing them with something they can rather than trying to take everything off them as they'll only be frustrated.

If I'm busy in the kitchen I'll find some "job" for DD to do so she feels she's helping me as that's much easier than trying to keep her away from the things I don't want her to have :)

Spiritedwolf · 26/11/2013 13:44

YANBU :)

I don't think I'd feel very friendly to someone who said positive parenting was making my child into a brat, when patently they aren't being a brat. They are being a small child. My DS is almost 16 months and doesn't really understand 'No' yet, so we use it for things which are important and that we will reinforce consistantly so he will learn.

It sounds like you and your DD have got ways of handling the situation that avoid being completely permissive (and letting toddler get everything they want to the detriment of the others) and being authoritarian resulting in toddler meltdown over a few pens, not fun for anyone.

Her friend sounds a bit bossy and dmanding of your DDs attention. My DNephew is only 2 years and is already being taught that if he doesn't want his baby DB or my DS to have a particular toy then he needs to make sure there is something for them to play with, he can't hog all the toys. The adults around him then try and stop the younger ones from bothering him if he isn't in the mood to play.

pianodoodle · 26/11/2013 14:12

I didn't even know it was called positive parenting.

I thought it was just using your loaf Grin

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