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AIBU?

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Original poster

is my SIL being rude or am I unreasonable?

20 replies

tinyturtletim · 25/11/2013 08:33

I know this will be quite divided, so am prepared for the truth.

My DH fell out with his mum a few years ago, for the last year he has been getting back to normal and things are slowly repairing after a really horrible time. At the time his sister took their mums side and we didn't speak to her again, dh has never liked or got on with her (she has never liked him either) so it wasn't a big fall out with his sister or a love loss as such.

Anyway, his sister has recently become pregnant we have two children and know far to well how difficult first babies are, I decided it would be good to repair things and make sure she knows if she needs any help it is here. So I sent her a message congratulating her on her pregnancy, I apolgised for our part in the fall out and expressed it would be great for the cousins to have a relationship and I would love it if we could get together for a coffee and a chat.

I never received a reply, however MIL told me she has the message. then last week my mil said to DH that his sister would like to speak to him, he isn't in the slightest bit interested and cannot understand why she would want to speak with him. He also told mil it is rude of her to blank me and it seems like a power play.

So aibu expecting her to reply to me? Even if it just acknowledged that she has the message. If she had messaged me I know I would reply.

OP posts:
TotallyUprobably · 25/11/2013 08:37

Hard to tell imo - she may have decided to go NC with you both, in which case not replying to the text is reasonable enough of her, albeit a shame, but then why does she want to speak to your DH - and why not contact him herself instead of using your MIL as a go between? And you weren't U in the least offering an olive branch but I can't quite see how it would work, if SIL had replied to you, for you to have a relationship with her if DH isn't at all interested in even speaking to her. Not really clear enough for me to judge tbh.

cozietoesie · 25/11/2013 08:41

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect an acknowledgment but things might be complicated if you all haven't spoken for years. She may not know quite how to handle things if she and your brother have been daggers drawn for a long time. I'd let it lie for a bit.

formerbabe · 25/11/2013 09:06

YANBU...she should have replied to you. I think you did a good thing and held out an olive branch. TBH I wouldn't bother with her anymore especially seeing as how your DH doesn't sound particularly close to her anyway.

Original poster
tinyturtletim · 25/11/2013 09:10

My dh is is so laid back, he isn't really that bothered about a great deal and just likes the easy life with no stress. He is quite happy for me to make contact and try and make things easier.

Mil is quite sly and I do get the feeling she is trying to match make but its a toxic combination... there are 2 other brothers aswel but that is another thread.
Having a child changed me massively and it was a very stressful time, sil know this and I just thought if she knows the help is there if she needs it it might soften her up a bit

It feels to me like a snub, as if to say "I would rather speak to the brother I can't stand than reply to you"

OP posts:
HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 25/11/2013 09:12

It is odd that you offered the olive branch but she wants to speak to your DH. If she has gone NC then fine - but if she wanted to open communication I would have expected her to respond to you. Even if just to say she has not interest and please go away and don't contact her. Blanking you and then circumventing you is odd.

SarahAndFuck · 25/11/2013 09:16

It's hard to say really if she is being rude but I don't think you are being unreasonable either.

How are the cousins going to have a relationship if your DH still doesn't want anything to do with her?

That's going to be awkward for everyone. Does he want to make up with her? Because his response to his mother suggests not, and perhaps the sister wants to see how he feels before she gets into contact with you.

It might be hard for her to accept your olive branch if she feels her brother isn't also wanting peace between them.

If he's not interested in making up and can't understand what she wants, which you say is the case, how is she supposed to come to you for help if she needs it or help her child get to know his or her cousins?

It really won't work. Or it will be incredibly difficult and stressful to make it work. And perhaps she knows that and thinks that if he feels the way he does, there's little point to getting in touch with you and remaining NC is the best thing for the baby, rather than risk building a relationship that breaks down again as your DH isn't in support of it.

TotallyUprobably · 25/11/2013 09:18

Oh so it may be that SIL wants to stay NC but MIL is stirring it by saying that SIL wants to speak to DH (when she may have said nothing of the sort or said vaguely that she wouldn't object if DH tried to speak to her)?

alemci · 25/11/2013 09:21

I think it is really good that you are trying to build relationship with her. hate the fact she hasn't contacted you directly and the mum in law go between scenario.

we have this situation in my dh family with dhdb and his dw severing contact with us etc

mercibucket · 25/11/2013 09:23

what sarah said

tbh I wonder why you sent the message if your dh was not supportive of contact. were you thinking that you and she would stay in touch so the cousins would have a relationship? but dh and sister would not talk or meet? that doesn't sound an attractive offer

Crowler · 25/11/2013 09:27

A new baby is always a good time to mend fences. Tell your husband this.

AMumInScotland · 25/11/2013 09:32

It sounds a bit like your MIL is stirring - or (to be more positive) wants all the relationships to be 'fixed' and is trying to work at that. But it's not her place to sort out anything between your DH and his sister, or between SIL and you. You did right to extend an olive branch. If she doesn't want to take it, that's her own choice. Your DH is right to keep out of it and not let it become something that lets MIL and SIL marginalise you.

I'd just let it lie now, you've made an effort and she hasn't chosen to respond to you. She might find when the baby arrives her priorities shift. Or not.

basgetti · 25/11/2013 09:32

I agree with Sarah too. In SIL's position I think I would also want to see how the land lies with my sibling before I got in contact with their partner. If your DH doesn't want anything to do with her then she was right to be cautious IMO.

Original poster
tinyturtletim · 25/11/2013 09:48

If me and sil were to start talking dh wouldn't make things difficult, he isn't interested in making any moves yet if faced with her he wouldn't ignore he would talk.

I know he would love to be an uncle, I think half of it is being protective of me I've had a horrendous year through one thing and another so I think him avoiding the situation is a way of making no drama.

I definitely believe my mil is stiring the pot.

Its all very odd.

OP posts:
Alexandrite · 25/11/2013 10:03

What is NC? I suppose whether you are BU depends on what happened tp upset her in the first place

DeWe · 25/11/2013 10:17

I would say that if he would love to be an uncle, he should be the one contacting.
If he's not bothered whether you patch it up or not, then indifference can be as hurtful as saying nasty stuff.

And I don't totally get people's determination that cousins have to have a relationship. If they do, that's nice, but it's not a major issue if they don't.
My cousins one side lived abroad most of the time, so we hardly saw them. On the other side, the next oldest to me is about 8 years younger. My youngest cousin is 3 years older than dd1. We would see them 2-3 times a year as they lived a long way away.
Dh spent a lot of time growing up with his cousins, who were very close in age to him and lived in the next town.
I would say as adults, our relationships with our cousins are very similar.

Original poster
tinyturtletim · 25/11/2013 11:25

alex nothing happened with her directly. She took mil side in something that happened between dh, mil&I

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/11/2013 11:30

Perhaps she wants to try to build a relationship with her brother first?

I think its hard to say who if anyone is being unreasonable really

PTFO · 25/11/2013 11:40

I'd do nothing now. You extended the olive branch (not sure why as she is a total cow). Actually I do- you know how hard it is to have a baby and that family help each other! (did she help you with anything..?)

After SIL has had the baby she will remember your text and remember how you said how hard it was to have a baby and all that it entails. Let her come to you then but on your terms if your still interested. Tell mil she is not helping, YOU extended to olive branch so SIL need to contact you not dh.

Original poster
tinyturtletim · 25/11/2013 11:47

Funnily enough no ptfo she didn't give me any help although we were all alot younger then so she wasn't entirely keen on kids.

She is a bit of a cow..she didn't invite us to her wedding when they sent invites, but sent a text 3 days before the wedding to see if we wanted go..her niece should of been a bridesmaid!

OP posts:
Alexandrite · 25/11/2013 12:08

I had a lot of fun with cousins as a kid and my children do with theirs. I don't see much of them now, but I'm glad of the fun i had with them as a kid all the same

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