To be absolutely fuming at ds1 & 2?

[Dontletthemgetyoudown]

They've only been home for a couple of hours but been arguing and fighting since they got in.

They are 16 and almost 12 they share a room because there is no alternative (3 bedrooms 4 dc 2 boys 2 girls) there's is the only room with matching new furniture. Last week through fighting they managed to break a wardrobe door in half. Ds1 broke trim off his ikea malm drawers in a mood and tonight again fighting ds1 picked up ds2 body slammed him onto his bed and ds2 has gone right through it. I'd only been up two minutes before and separated them and sent ds1 for a bath and ds2 to sort school stuff out.

Whilst I'm not poor I really could do without spending over a hundred pound on new bed and mattress (the split wood has torn the mattress)

They don't have any savings to make them pay from. Ds1 has a part time job but how can I make ds1 pay and not ds2?

Bala: My thoughts too.
Pallets - definately the answer.

Why would the mattress go mouldy? Is the carpet mouldy? It can sit on the floor no problem at all.

The furniture is not your real problem. You need to get to the root cause of the fighting. The first question is whether one of your two DS's is bearing the brunt of this and having an intolerable time. Living with an abusive sibling would be as bad as having an abusive partner. Hopefully it's not like that but you do need to investigate. Alternatively you might find that there is a particular source of conflict that you can help them to resolve in a different fashion. Perhaps talk to each separately - maybe on a walk or when driving in a car as those situations lend themselves to opening up.

If there is no real reason and it's just them being over boisterous then you need to get tough; zero tolerance for violence. You are sending these young men out into the world soon to share houses with other people. They must have a clear message that fighting - even play fighting - is not acceptable in the domestic environment.

i agree that a mattress on the floor is fine for a while. Don't rush into replacing the bed. It doesn't sound as if breaking it was DS2's fault though (he didn't throw himself onto it voluntarily) so I would have no problem tithing DS1's earnings for a bit.

I am sure they will settle down soon!

Don't understand why you are concerned it would go mouldy unless the floor is damp. Turn it occasionally . Use the drawers as storage boxes. Get something simple like this or a slatted base longer term and use mattress cover or tape the tear.

DS1 is old enough to be charged with assault for carrying on like that. However the younger one is acting (and believe me, I've had younger one ripping bits out of older ones hair- older one still knows you don't attack someone 5 years younger than you!), there is no excuse for smashing DS2 into furniture. He could have been seriously injured. It sounds like you should be making DS1 pay rather than DS2, so not sure why that's an issue. Do you have any authority figures available who could talk to DS1 about how serious his behaviour is and the trouble it could get him into?

Sasha just because you are habituated to sibling violence does not make it acceptable. There are grown men who have no relationship with their grown brothers due to constant bullying when they were younger. The adults no doubt looked indulgently on and only got cross when something was broken. It's not a nice way to live.

I think the approach to this depends if the intention of this scrapping is really aggressive or if it is just a rough and tumble thing from young men who have testosterone and nothing to do with it yet! Brothers are sometimes a safe place for each other to discover masculine behaviour, as indeed is rugby. They don't have dad at home so are maybe trying to provide what they see as masculine influence for each other.

Bear in mind that it may not just be DS1 picking on DS2, it could be DS2 "challenging" DS1 as he enters his adolescent years. They are like young lions trying to get supremacy in their tribe as dad is not there to provide it.

Once they get more into girls it will probably stop, it is a phase, but you are absolutely right to tackle it as it is not appropriate behaviour and I agree with those saying don't replace the furniture, let them see the consequences. Those years of having testosterone and not knowing what to do with it are hard

it could be DS2 "challenging" DS1 as he enters his adolescent years

this I feel is the reason things have escalated. ds2 has become quite bolshy since he started senior school. he attends a grammar school and appears to love it, and he thrives on working hard and playing hard (actively enjoys rugby, lacrosse and hockey, but rugby is his first love he plays 3-4 times a week for school and a team), but I think the pressure already is sometimes a bit hard on him, also he has become a lot more challenging and far too ready with the back chat. I have had several harsh words with him about the way he speaks to me, and his family and that it wont be accepted. Nothing has changed in the rules that means that he can be argumentative and sullen without consequence.

separate rooms isn't an option as the only rooms separate downstairs are the lounge and the conservatory. the dining room, study/playroom and kitchen are all open plan through arches and not separated and you need to walk through the lounge to get elsewhere. the conservatory is freezing s no heating in there. I did say that if ds1 wanted to live at his dads, he could and would be welcome with me anytime. I thought he might want that as xh lives much closer to the college ds1 attends, but ds1 said no. xh and I have an amicable relationship, we don't argue or bicker and there is no one-upmanship competing for the childrens love etc.

I have noticed the physical changes in ds2 in the last few months as well, such as yet another growth spurt, hair under the arms and his top lip, became a bit smelly, so anti per spirant became better acquainted with.

I never got on with my sister who I used to share a room with, so I do understand the frustration at sharing a room and especially when personalities are so different. Ds1 is a total slob and will happily lie there in unmade bed, surrounded by sweet wrappers, crisp packets and trainers strewn around the room along with last weeks pants and socks, whereas ds2 has a bit more pride and likes things to be tidy. I do make ds1 tidy up daily and put washing in wash basket etc.

the mould thing is because, when we first moved in to this house, my mattress was on the floor, waiting delivery of new bed frame and I was told to be careful that it would go mouldy due to the non circulation of air and the mattress getting damp from sweat during sleep etc is this not true then?

No. Just pull the duvet back to air it and you will be fine. The sweat (if there is any) is hardly going to be in such quantities as to run down through 6 inches of mattress.