to interfere in best friends relationship?

[ExcitedEmmy]

My best friend has a boyfriend of almost three years. She has two sons aged 7 and 3. He has two children aged 5 and 6. At the moment he lives 70 miles away and works shifts. He wants to move in with my friend and for her to give up her job and for them to have a baby together. He wants her to have his children when he's working weekends. She loves him and would be happy to do this but is wary about giving up her financial independence. Her and her son's live in a rented house but she's been able to afford a couple of camping trips, a week away in the UK and a week abroad every year since she separated from their husband which her son's love and which would stop if her DP moves in as he couldn't afford to pay for them all to go. I think she's right to be reluctant to be dependent on him but do I tell her this or is it just interfering? AIBU?

If she asks, give her your opinions. But only if she asks.

If she asks you for it, give her your opinion.
If she tells you that she's wary then that's a perfect opportunity to say "I think you're right to be, it's sensible to be wary, it's a risk" because that's a response to a disclosure that she has chosen to make to you.

She has asked but if she decides she doesn't want to all move in then realistically where can the relationship go? It's a big deal. She really loves him but has loved her financial independence too as her exH was financially abusive.

Do his children live with him full time? It's not clear. Where is their DM?

How would she feel talking about her concerns and the fact that she doesn't want to give up work with him? If she feels that it would be a difficult conversation, that's not a good sign.

She should look at what he's asking.

He wants to take away her financial independence, put her in a position where she is isolated and unable to earn any money, potentially cause a break in her career that could affect her future earning potential, tie her to him with a baby, make her dependent on him for her every mouthful and make her a carer for his children.

Frankly, I'd run like the wind.

He may not be abusive, but he appears to want to create a situation that many an abusive man would be delighted to get a woman into and she would do well to say no to that.

He could move in, they could be a 2 income family and he could make sure he has his children when he is available to care for them. Because that's what access is - time to spend with your children! (I am assuming he is not the resident parent though. )

I can see the advantages for him.

What are the advantages for her?
What are the advantages for her sons?

Why not maintain separate households?

"want to all move in then realistically where can the relationship go? "

It slows down.

I totally agree with "Thegreat", she is jumping ahead and considering they have four children between them, planning a baby yet, without having lived together, is ridiculous, they sound like teenagers.

They need to get to know each other, as full partners, each other's children and all of them will need an adjustment period, before she even becomes pregnant.

They both know that relationships don't always last, are not always happy and a baby adds complications.

So why not just enjoy themselves and their new blended family, to start with?

The fact that she has been in an abusive relationship, but is behaving so rashly, isn't a good sign, tbh.

Why is he so keen to take away her independance?

Not great for his DC either. Why the rush to have a DC together? Or for her to quit work?

Warning signs.

If she asks, tell her how YOU would feel about it if it were YOU, but don't pass comment on what she should do.

If you care about her than you should be honest and express your concern that she will be putting herself and her two children in a very vulnerable position and reducing their standard of living. No man is worth that, especially not one who is demanding it.

She should put her children's happiness and security before her relationships, she doesn't have the right to fuck their lives up. I would emphasise that.

if she's feeling reluctant then she should listen to her inner self. personally would be a no from me and I would give her my opinion asked or not. your her mate so looking out for her interests.

He doesn't have residency of his children but has them every weekend and for chunks of the school holidays. If he moves to be with her then either she cares for them on the weekends he works or he has to vastly reduce contact which obviously isn't best for him or his children. She doesn't want him to have to do that, but atthe same time the ssituation isn't going to change in the future so a decision needs to be made.

I don't understand why she would have to give up her job, if they do have a baby could she not take maternity leave and then go back to work rather than giving up work completely?

Who currently cares for the children on the weekends he works?

As you've been asked, I'd tell her. No way would I give up the job. Caring for the kids when he's working is something they need to consider together - but really, if she's not willing to look after his kids (assuming she is not working) I don't see what future the relationship has anyway. The same applies if he isn't willing to look after her kids.

In short, yeah, move in together if they love each other. Two incomes and compromise on both sides.

Because she's a nurse and works shifts which include weekends. His mum currently has his kids when hes working but she lives near his ex, not near my friend, so if he moved that arrangement wouldn't continue.

Is paying the person who currently has her children at the weekend/evening a bit extra for all of the children when she works an option?

I really don't think she should just give up her job so quickly.