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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her DS is becoming overweight?

27 replies

ICameOnTheJitney · 23/11/2013 15:24

Well....am I? She's had a LOT on her plate lately...her DS is 4 and we've not seen them for a month. He wouldn't eat at all when he was smaller but has found his appetite recently and she's so happy about it that she's praising him for finishing a plate of chips or a packet of crisps and is also giving him loads of pizza, cheese, macdonalds and chocolate etc.

I don't think she realises that praising a child for eating all of a massive pizza plus a big chocolate pudding isnt the "thing" and I don't think she realises he's overweight...but he is. I'm not someone who interferes EVER in personal things like this....but I just don't know if it's ok to say something?

She has no family to tell her....only her DP who isn't well at the moment...should I keep quiet or say something and if so what??

OP posts:
Fairy1303 · 23/11/2013 15:35

Hmm.
Very difficult.

Personally, I would say, unless he is so overweight he requires a crane to be lifted from his house, I wouldn't tell them.

I'm not sure how I feel about weight being focussed on with a 4 year old unless it is VERY extreme.

Maybe you could find a tactful way to highlight the issue of all the food being crap?
Could it be that you have just seen 'treats'?

I think you might be being a bit U bit I can understand your predicament.

AmberLeaf · 23/11/2013 15:37

I would stay out of it.

Fairy1303 · 23/11/2013 15:37

just seen that this is your friend - for some reason I read sister.

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING.

stay out of it.

TEEARDIS · 23/11/2013 15:39

I would stay out of it. At some point a GP or the school will mention it to her, especially with this 'get weighed' at school initiative.

tumbletumble · 23/11/2013 15:39

Tread carefully - you may really offend your friend. Could you be subtle, eg "Are you sure he needs a full size pizza? I think the smaller size is healthier for children."

DziezkoDisco · 23/11/2013 15:40

One of my firends kidcs is getting more and more overweight, its horrible to watch. But think we would fall out if Ai mentioned it. Very sad though.i think she is aware but indenial.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 23/11/2013 15:45

You say she doesn't realise he is overweight. I think she must know really as she will be finding that she has to buy wrongly aged clothing that is too long, and she has eyes. It should also be picked up by the school in the national weighing initiative (unless your friend excuses him from that for some reason - see another thread on this topic).

Saying something will have little impact other than on your friendship. If OTOH she asks you, then that is the moment to be honest rather than to falsely reassure - or simply to suggest that she weighs and measures him and checks the centile charts.

I think you need to keep quiet. Sorry. It's nice you want to help.

Oh, if you are diplomatic to be subtle then that would be okay. I am sure I couldn't manage that without getting it horribly wrong!

CoffeeTea103 · 23/11/2013 15:46

I disagree, I do think you should say something about it but In a very sensitive way. Not doing anything is just sitting and waiting to deal with a bigger issue down the line.
A friend's nephew went down the same route, she kept telling her sister that his eating habits are not healthy but she just saw him finishing off everything in sight was something to be proud of. Now he is obese and they have so many problems dealing with his health.
As you said your friend doesn't really have anyone else to tell her, I think you should say something.

Holdthepage · 23/11/2013 16:21

Unfortunately I think if you did say something it would be the end of your friendship.

trice · 23/11/2013 16:24

You see, I would tell her. This probably explains why I don't have many friends. I would want to be told if it was my son.

Retroformica · 23/11/2013 16:37

If she is a close and good friend, I'd tell her in a kind way. Explain you are a bit worried about what he eats and the amount he eats.

Can you ask her to do a nutritional course with you?

Original poster
ICameOnTheJitney · 23/11/2013 17:11

Retro I really don't have time to do some course....but I take on board that the majority of people here think I should not say anything. I think part of the problem is that due to his once refusing to eat much at all, she's under the illusion that "lots" is a good thing no matter what it is.

I won't comment and hopefully school will mention it.

OP posts:
PTFO · 23/11/2013 18:03

non of your business. Your friend has eyes, she buys his clothes she WILL know.

How would you feel in her shoes...? I'd be seething if a friend took it upon themselves to point out the obvious and by default point out what a bad mother I was. You have no idea if there is anything underlying going on.

Original poster
ICameOnTheJitney · 23/11/2013 18:08

PTFO do you not read updates? FFs. Move along...and it's "none" not "non"

OP posts:
TheDietStartsTomorrow · 23/11/2013 18:14

What sort of friendship is it if you can't tactfully tell each the truth about something that has the potential to become a lifelong problem for fear of offending?

I'd tell. I'd be as tactful as I could about it and spend some time waiting for the right opportunity.

When I was overweight, a lot of people would skirt around the issue and be polite leaving me to think there was no problem at all. Only my mum, my kids and a few close friends were honest with me. It doesn't help. If it's your child you can be impartial and sometimes need an outsider to point out the obvious to you.

Worriedkat · 23/11/2013 18:19

My 8yo is overweight. We are trying really hard with his diet and ours too. We know, we can see, and we're buying him age 13 clothes which are a bit long. My guess is she knows also so I'd say nothing too.

Bakingtins · 23/11/2013 18:23

Could you have a conversation about portion sizes? Maybe pretend that it's something you've just heard about? For example the protein portion should be the size of child's palm, carbs a cupped double handful, and at least a third of the meal vegetables. Buy him a nice child plate/cutlery set at Christmas?

I think it needs to be approached carefully, but you are doing him no favours if you say nothing, it is very sad to see parents making their kids obese.

lljkk · 23/11/2013 18:24

I like what TheDiet said.

Crowler · 23/11/2013 18:29

Tricky. I think it's quite possibly the end of your friendship if you tell her. It's possible that her son is a bit like wallpaper and she can't see the weight creeping on, in which case maybe she'll appreciate your candor.

HildaOgden · 23/11/2013 18:37

I'd tell her you're delighted for her that her ds is eating now,and tell her that as his appetite is good now,it's a brilliant time to get him into a healthy diet of fruit/veg/homemade dinners etc before any bad junk food habits start.

You'll have made your point tactfully,if she doesn't pick up on it,it's not your fault.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 23/11/2013 18:50

People don't know though do they? Often they are in compete denial. My friend has 2 children who are obese, no question. She gives me clothes from her 5 year old for my 4 year old daughter which is incredibly kind. More often than not the clothes fit my 8 year old daughter though. Her son's teacher drew her attention to the fact that her son was overweight and she really needs to address it because it is really affecting him and she totally dismissed it. I would never say anything but when she raised it I mentioned little changes that had helped me lose weight. I think she expected me to say no there is no issue but I couldn't do it, she is seriously affecting her kids health IMO.

If you were going to do anything it might be worth talking about an interesting article you read discouraging parents from encouraging children to eat more or buy a copy of Carlos Gonzalez 'My Child Won't Eat' although that would have been better a few years back.

Beastofburden · 23/11/2013 19:11

Lots of parents don't see that their child is overweight, it's really common. And specially if he's been a rubbish eater, she may just still be in celebratory stage.

Sadly I am not sure she has fixed his picky eating. She has just found a set of junk food he is prepared to be bribed with.

In your shoes, as he's four already, I would say nothing, but invite him to lots of fun activity, bit of camping maybe, bit of cooking on a campfire, football, swimming, whatever floats his boat. And be a really supportive friend while her DP is ill.

Then, when he gets to school and the shit hits the fan, as it will, you can support her.

piratecat · 23/11/2013 19:19

oh tricky. i have been in your position but i haven't said anything though when i see him, and he's 9 now i wonder should i have.

maybe something like 'wow he can eat as much as me' type comments, to bring some sort of attention to it.

CreamyCooler · 23/11/2013 19:20

If it was me I wouldn't say anything unless my friend asked my opinion but I can't stand busy bodies.

Bakingtins · 23/11/2013 19:54

But the shit won't hit the fan when he gets to school. No doubt he'll get a letter when they are weighed and measured saying he is on the top end of the BMI percentiles but the information is so badly presented it's easily ignored if your friend is in denial. The teachers won't say anything, it's not PC to be sizeist.
All the fat kids in my son's class in YR are now verging on obese in Y2, a letter from the school nurse made bugger all difference.