Are we raising a generation of helpless kids?

[YouTheCat]

Interesting article in the Huffington Post about if we (generally) are doing too much for our kids, letting them get away with things and not letting them take the consequences.

I have to say I find a lot of it quite true, though obviously not about every parent but in a general way. I see a lot of this at school. Parents descending full of violent indignation that their child has been reprimanded or hasn't got a place in an after school club, where I had never seen this behaviour when I was at school (bloody ages ago).

My own dd (18) has some funny idea that she will waltz into a fantastic job after college when, in reality, she will probably have to work in Asda and gain some experience first.

[wink1970]

"These well-intentioned messages of 'you're special'....."

Nail. On. Head.

We have a generation of (mostly middle-class) kids who really do believe they are the centre of the Universe, and you know what? It's all our own fault.

Most young girls age 14-25 that I meet now I want to punch in the face for their arrogance, lack of manners and full-on 'me' attitude... the only reason I don't is I know it's the fault of their over-protective probably over-privileged mothers.....

Note to these mothers: you are not raising a princess. Of course tell her she's lovely, but instil some self-worth that exists outside of her looks and hair. Didn't you hear? Brains are cool again. Caitlin Moran should be their role model, not some WAG on Strictly. Look to your own manners, if you are shouting at the teacher/cutting up other drivers/swearing at a cashier, she'll think this is normal behaviour.

/ rant

[Grennie]

I manage people in my job and I have noticed amongst young people coming for jobs, a real change. For example, complaints that we hadn't put in the recruitment details a map of how to find our offices. We are on a main road. If you need spoon feeding on how to get there for an interview, we don't want to employ you.

And this is a change. I am older and I had never ever come across this in the past.

[pigsinmud]

My dc don't know how to cook. My eldest is 15. However, I didn't cook, put the washing machine on etc at his age and I'm fairly capable now. Dh, on the other hand, was made to do all this stuff when he was 11....he doesn't cook or know how our washing machine works now!!

I learnt how to do those things whilst at university.

[LessMissAbs]

In Belgium I see plenty of quite young kids cycling to and from school, after school activities, sports, etc, often on their own, in the middle of the countryside. In Scotland, my PIL won't let their grandchildren even cycle outside the garden! And of course their own children won't go with them, because they were brought up in the same way. In fact, MIL claims the headteacher of her children's school (in a semi rural area) banned children from cycling to school, even with their parents!

True, the infrastructure is so much better here, but why not sort it out and provide a better environment for everyone?

[YoucancallmeQueenBee]

ROFL mrsjay - I'm just wondering what 'bad' running of a bath must be like!!!!

My DCs would think I'd been possessed by aliens or become a stepford wife if I made any efforts to run them a bath!

[MaddAddam]

It's nothing new. My DP didn't know how to do all sorts of things by the time he went to university at nearly 19 - he'd never caught a train alone, or cooked, done laundry, etc. His mother did it all. And that was quite normal, especially for boys.

[worldgonecrazy]

The problem I find, when trying to encourage DD (3) to do things, is that it is absolutely bloody terrifying.

She has stirred hot sauces, chopped vegetables with a knife, and can climb trees (and puts her own straw into drinks). It is really, really scary to let her do these things, but if she doesn't, she won't learn about the dangers.

[mrsjay]

ROFL mrsjay - I'm just wondering what 'bad' running of a bath must be like!!!! grin

she said i got the bubbles right I AM NOT MAKING THIS ANY BETTER AM I

tbf she can cook and put a washing on

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

I don't drop off homework/PE kit/oyster card/lunch to my DCs.
What I do and have done since they were 8 years old (don't ask me why 8. I have no idea, it was a random age) is say as soon as you come home from school you complete your "checklist".
Uniform hung up/ in wash
Empty packed lunch box, put it in the kitchen
Pack your school bag for tomorrow. So PE kit, books, charge your phone, keys in your bag.
Do your homework then put the homework/pencil case back in your bag.

There's no tv, texting, pissing about when you get home, you do that first.
Now the older ones are teenagers, I don't check if they have done it or not, but they know they suffer the consequences if they don't.
I also do not do what my friend does which is to stand there every morning asking a 15 year old- have you got your keys? Your phone? Your Oyster card? Your PE kit? Your homework? Because if you forget it, you better hope you have change for the bus, money for lunch, another way of getting into the house after school.
I've got all my stuff, I check before I leave.

They also have to wash their own PE stuff if its needed during the week and deal with any items of uniform, it gets washed and ironed on Sunday, if it's not in my basket, you are on your own. If you ask me about PE kits or "is there a clean shirt" 20 minutes before you have to leave, I will laugh at you.

They all know how to wash/iron/clean. They cook dinner once a week each, keep the house tidy because I go to work and we all live in the house so we all help.

And they have using london transport to get to school since age 11

[YouTheCat]

Dd bought me one of Caitlin Moran's books for Christmas a few years ago.

She has Aspergers and we are working on independent skills (like making doctor's appointments and phone calls) at a slow pace but she's getting there.

Her room is a midden. She hasn't put on her clean sheets/duvet cover and is sleeping on a bare mattress - but it's not because she can't do it. It's because she is a lazy mare sometimes. I try not to venture in there.

[IShallWearMidnight]

when my DF was at uni in the 60s, he used to send his dirty washing home on the bus for his mum to do, and send back to him. Apparently it was quite common to send parcels on the bus .

[SilverApples]

Some people are raising helpless children, some aren't. When they hit the adult world, they either learn, teach others how to manage, find a mummy/daddy substitute or sink.
I wanted both of mine to be functioning, independent adults, so I taught them and I'm still on tap for advice and support. It's a parental choice.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Yes, generally, we are.

You only have to look at all the threads on MN where an angel-descended-from-upon-high has been told off, and the OP goes absolutely cosmic that the Evil Teacher could dare to not recognise angelic qualities of fruit of loins. Generally speaking without ever stopping to think that maybe, that angelchild is not quite so angelic out of mummy's earshot.

If I got told off I didn't dare tell my Mum. Not because she would have walloped me, just because she would have been disappointed, and then shrugged and said "well, I expect you were being an arse".

I think that sort of parental helicoptering does far more bad than good. What is Junior going to do the first time he bollockses up something at work? And gets told off? Call his mammy?

[SilverApples]

Both of mine are Aspies, so it takes some direct teaching and a lot of courage on my part to let them try and deal with the consequences.
Nothing irredeemable...yet.

[noblegiraffe]

Bee, because when was younger he definitely couldn't do it, so I always did it for him and so it was just a habit. And if I gave him an unpeeled banana or a drink with no straw, he isn't the type of child to give it a go himself, rather go 'mummy can you peel my banana please' and I say 'oh yes, sorry, I forgot.'

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I heard a great story from someone who works in recruitment. A mother had called her to ask for an application form for her 19yo DS. The recruiter was disappointed the DS hadn't called in person but told the mother to make sure he filled it in and returned it promptly as there was an interview slot available at 9am that Friday. "That's no good", said the mother, "he doesn't get up until 10:00".

[aquashiv]

I don't see much difference now than I need as a child. Some parents like to do lots/provide for them and cater to their every whim as a way to help them others .
We are a far more risk adverse society now but I do not think blaming one parenting style is appropriate.

[YoucancallmeQueenBee]

One of mine is autistic spectrum, so as far as I'm concerned his independence is even more important. I am determined it will not be an excuse for not doing things, just means some things need more direct teaching like SilverApples said.

Humans are the most adaptable species on the planet, but you'd never know it sometimes. I think we are hampering the abilities of young people to develop coping skills and independence by the amount of molly coddling that we do.

[Grennie]

I disagree with those saying things haven't changed, they have. Ask anyone who employs young people, or university lecturers. There have always been young people who didn't know how to cook or use a washing machine. The issue is more about some young people always having had parents who try to protect them from the consequences of their behaviour, and try to make sure that nothing is ever uncomfortable or difficult.

Also the - "I really, really want it" - message grates on me too. I don't care how much you really want a job, study place, etc. If you have not got the ability, then tough.

Kids need to learn to deal with situations that aren't comfortable, with people being unfair, and with them having to take the initiative to sort things out.

[Arabesque1]

I do think a lot more parents nowadays seem to be more concerned with teaching children about their 'rights' and 'entitlements' and less concerned about teaching them about 'responsibility' and 'consideration'. As a result you have a lot of self entitled brats who think they can do what they like and whose parents come steaming up to any neighbour or teacher who dares to tell the little darlings off or attempts to stop them from doing what they want.

[Boaty]

Hmm....I was one of the smug 'I have prepared my kids for adulthood' mothers...
They could all cook by end of primary school, could catch a bus, were aware of personal safety, from the age of 8 I let them walk to the shop/school etc. In terms of educational development, they could concentrate well, research/read. They were bright, independent confident teenagers.
I went with DS1 to a uni open day, dropped off DS1 who was to call me when he had finished. He came out disgusted with his cohort. One mother had asked if they got a report at the end of term, another asked how the tutors 'looked after their pfb 'children' to stop them using drugs...he decided then and there uni wasn't for him.

The downside is that independence translated to losing 'control' in mid/late teens. DS1 started to show some worrying signs/behaviour and getting him to address them was a nightmare. He is now mid twenties and has self destructive tendencies and I lose more sleep over him now than I did when he was 14! He won't ask/listen to advice.

I sometimes wonder if in the quest to produce self reliant young adults I lost that 'connection' with him. His brother and sister are both fine and live honest, independent, hardworking lives. We aren't 'close' in the way that friends kids are that were more 'mollycoddled' though.

[danone]

I don't think it helps that more young adults are living at home now - not just through Uni but after Uni too. It would be an interesting comparison with Germany, whose young men tend to stay at home until they're married (and have an awfully pampered reputation as a result!)

[Thymeout]

Something I've noticed is that some parents seem to think it's wrong to ask bigger dcs to help younger ones, e.g. with getting dressed or reading a story. Or, heaven forbid, to be in charge of them. (Walking to the shop. Down the park etc.) 'That's my job'.

This is v different from how it used to be. The Waltons model. Not sure if it's a control thing, so all relationships go through the mother, like the hub of a wheel. But I do think it's a shame.

[YoucancallmeQueenBee]

I hope I'm not smug Boaty & I absolutely know I can't prepare them for everything. Life has a horrible way of throwing the strangest curveballs that you least expect.

I just don't want them to be helpless & precious. I want to hand on as much practical knowledge as I can & allow them to have some age appropriate independence to make a few of their own mistakes, so they learn how to put them right, without me having to do it!

I'm not sure if there is a direct link between self-reliance & self-destructive tendencies? It certainly didn't manifest itself in my life or that of my siblings or many of my own contemporaries who were brought up to be independent & resourceful - simply because that is more the way life was back then.

Anyhow, I'm sorry to hear about your DS. Hope you & he reconnect and he feels a bit happier.

[Arabesque1]

One thing that really annoys me is when I see teenagers being driven right up to the school gates, regardless of whether it's causing problems for other drivers with double parking, holding up traffic as you make a right turn on a very busy road etc. Surely kids in secondary school are old enough to walk, or get the bus or be dropped off somewhere close by and find their own way up the road?