to be upset by my sMiL wanting her name changed....

[MrsAMerrick]

My DH's parents split up when he was at uni, and both remarried. This all happened before I knew him or them. When we had DS1, he effectively had 6 GPs. We talked with all GPs about names ie who was going to be "Gran", "Grandma", "Nana" etc and DH's stepmother ended up being "Nana", which is what our DS have called her ever since.

We saw FiL and sMiL in the summer (they live several thousand miles away). DS1 and 2 are now in their teens and at one point during our stay, sMiL said to me "they don't need to call me Nana any more, they're old enough to call me by my first name". I was a bit taken aback as she was saying it only in relation to her, not to FiL who is still "Grandpa." In other words, she was suggesting that as she wasn't their "real" grandparent then she should be called by her first name. My DC have only ever known her as "Nana" and, although of course they understand she is not a blood relative they consider her to be as much, if not more, of a grandparent than DH's mother. I didn't pursue the conversation at that point, and the DC called her "Nana" for the remainder of the holiday.
Then this morning the DCs got a nice chatty letter from FiL and sMiL, signed "Grandpa" and "(first name)". I feel really upset that she's distancing herself from them, and that maybe she doesn't consider them to be her "proper" GC - AIBU?

Because I had been calling him Uncle X for 13 years. Because he wasn't kind enough to talk to me about changing what I called him, but sent a message through my mum. Because it felt like he didn't want to be my uncle any more. .

I got my nephews and nieces to drop 'auntie' once they were adults, it just seems silly. My mother has over 70 yr olds calling her 'auntie' and she has tried to get them to drop it, without success, which is why I started early.
In OP's case I don't see why you need to get involved, let the DCs sort it out with her.

Maybe I'm overthinking this!

I think you are.

What she wants to be called is unimportant - it is her actions that count.

Right from the start my niece and nephew have just used my name. I always felt silly as an adult calling my uncle and aunt Uncle X/Aunty Y so decided to avoid the problem entirely. It doesn't mean I care any less for them.

I feel very silly with men, over 6 ft, calling me auntie! I can see why you would want to ditch 'Nana'. My mother just shorted Granny to Gran and my MIL shortened Nanny to Nan. Things are not set in stone.

Why not just refer to her as Nana X at home and just drop the Nana in her company? She maybe thinks your child might be embarrassed having to call her Nanna?
I think it's just one of those time things, like going from Mummy to Mum

All my dsgc call me by a pet name which starts with Gran whereas my blood dgc call me Grandma. I can't imagine that changing. I love them all dearly. I felt that Grandma was the only title I liked but dh's ex had that so I chosesomething which has become very special. The oldest is 16 now and still says ,"Most people have grandmas and nanas but no one else has a Gran**e."

MrsCakes, I think that's how I feel - that the subtext is that she doesn't really want to be their grandmother, but she may view it very differently.
It's hard because she is so far away and the only way to communicate is by letter so there's 10 days or so between me sending a letter and getting one back, and it would be much easier to raise it casually in conversation than to write a letter about it, which seems much more dramatic. I really should have talked about it when she raised it! I love her very much and it feels she's much more of my MiL than my DH's mother, so I don't want to make a huge issue.
thegreylady, you sound like a perfect sGM, I bet your sGC love you to bits.

"Nanny" is an employee

Not in my family it's not.

Nanny0gg

I think it's fair enough. Nana is fine for toddlers, but is a bit undignified for one grown-up to say to another.

Nana is the epithet of choice for generations of north midlanders and other northeners. Please don't gratuitously insult the much loved grandparents of millions of children so casually and thoughtlessly. I adored my Nana Jackson, and wanted to grow up to be just like her when I was a little child. She loved me back, and was certainly not an employee, a dog, or a goat!

You are overthinking this. She isn't 'distancing' herself, she just doesn't want to be called Nana by two teens. She is perhaps recognising their independence and grown upness and talking with them as co adults. I have never called any of my aunts or uncles 'Aunt' or 'Uncle' anything, just first names.

No cause to feel upset let alone really upset, the way I see it. She sees them, pays Trenton, has a relationship, that is what being a family member is about.

I don't think you are 'over-thinking' it MrsAM, it has obviously had an impact on you that she has decided to change a situation that has continued for many years.

I agree with Thymeout, that it is likely she is just marking the passage of time and recognising her DGC are progressing into adulthood.

I wonder what the DC's think? I remember when my Uncle and Aunt said that I was too old to call them Uncle and Auntie and to call them by their first names. After the initial surprise, it made me realise I was all grown-up. Probably if they hadn't said anything I would still be calling them it now.

If they have a warm relationship with her, it won't change anything.

As someone who had a step grandfather that I always called grandad I would have found this really hurtful even in my late teens.

I would ask her why.
It's strange she is distancing herself from your amily after all it doesn't sound like she has much around her.

Another who dropped the "Uncle" when addressing my mum's brother when I was in my teens - I'm sure it's not about distancing.

I don't think this is about distancing at all and think she would be very hurt if she knew you were insinuating this (innocently) to anyone

I think nana is a baby term and she is offering older lads a more mature option

People may have dropped uncle and Aunt but how many people started calling their grandparents by their first name once their a teenager? Few would be my guess.

DGCs will do as they wish. It's all about their relationship with their DGP and I really wouldn't even think or worry about it.
You can tell if the feelings are there or not and if relationships are good - and those are the important things.

I wouldn't stress where you don't need to, if there's no issue for the GCs don't make one.
HTH

M

I agree, I really don't know why you need to get involved because names are purely up to the children and the grandparents.