Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want to make some friends at the school gate?

28 replies

Spookey80 · 21/11/2013 20:45

Not really an Aibu but unsure where to post.
Eldest dc started in rec in sept and I knew a few of the mums from pre-school, so can have a chat with them....but I this does not happen every day and I feel like I am not progressing in my friendships with them.
God..,,I sound so sad.
I work p/t so only do drop off/ pick up 2 1/2 days a week and often come away feeling a bit deflated as I didn't get to chat to anyone.
Do I need to relax and not force things or is there anything I can do to help things a bit more.
I know I sound very immature..,,but it just seems like I'm the only one like this and everyone else are building relationships and I would like this for my kids benefit ..and for me?
Thks for reading.

OP posts:

SugarMouse1 · 21/11/2013 20:58

Sorry don't have much advice

What sort of clothes do you wear for school run? You don't wear tracksuits do you?

Do they seem like people you would have things in common with?

Original poster

Spookey80 · 21/11/2013 20:59

I don't wear track suits!!? Just normal clothing!?

OP posts:

Vintagebeads · 21/11/2013 21:02

I personally don't know if the school is always the best place to make friends.
Often the only thing you have in common is that your kids are the same age.

My DC friends mums are all lovely,and I would have a quick chat if I see them or when the kids play at mine/hers.
But I wouldn't confide in them/go out for coffee/ring them up for a chat or a moan.That's what I would consider a friend.
This could be just me though!

kaumana · 21/11/2013 21:04

Spookey I would ask for this to be moved to chat. But in the interim yanbu to want to make friends.

SugarMouse1 · 21/11/2013 21:05

Oh okay, just remember some people are very shallow if they think you're 'rough' or whatever. Equally if it's a deprived area you won't fit in if people think you are posher than them.
How have you formed other friendships? Do you usually find them natural? Or do they have to be through shared interests?

ICameOnTheJitney · 21/11/2013 21:07

Sugar if anyone DID think that then the OP would be better off without them!

OP....here's a tip....volunteer to help with the PTA and all the crafty type things. I made friends doing that....also it takes time....still early days.

averywoomummy · 21/11/2013 21:09

As it's nearly xmas could you organise a night out for the mums. If you have an email list you could send a email or put a note in book bags. Even if it's not a massive uptake it will be a nice way to meet people and if you are organising it it will get your face known.

Or organise a mums coffee morning?

Also organise some playdates and invite the mums for a coffee/cake too

If you feel brave enough you could join the PTA or at least offer to help out at fetes/cake sales as again it's a good way to get known and chat to people.

ptpan · 21/11/2013 21:22

Ok just relax!!
Dont go there thinking you are going to make friends,just treat it for what it is,dropping your children off and take a step back.
By that I mean look for people who you think you might hit it off with,or the parent of children who your children get on with,someone you can strike up a general conversation with etc.
I find new groups of people very intimidating and I just freeze but when I started doing the preschool drop off I knew I couldn't spend years not talking so I did the following,observe the natural preformed groups,see who was open and who thought they were queen bees,see who looked friendly etc
Listened to who my kids talk about,try and stand near those kids and get into a gentle conversation about their 'friendship' like ' I always hear about David at home'
Spoke about basic mundane things,weather or stuff happening at school.
Always have a smile if I saw any of the mums outside of school gates and s hello,commented to one mums newly showing baby bump how good she looked.
These things werent always easy for me but by end of first term I had the courage to ask a couple of mums through the kids if they wanted to come over and play-and asked them for their number so I was able to text them nice and informally.
It all worked!and I have got a couple of people I have seen for coffee now while the kids are at school.
I'm a very good observer,so I just took the time to watch people-not in an odd way!!- and gravitated towards people that I thought i would get on with.
It takes time,but if you have a laid back approach you will be able to see people on your wavelength,or even the mum who always is on her own,she probably feels just like you and would love someone to just speak to her

Original poster

Spookey80 · 21/11/2013 21:25

Ptpan, I could cry thankyou for taking the time to write that.
Really helpful, useful advice. It's funny because in normal life I chat away to anybody (need to be able to do this in my job),,but I just seem to freeze at the mo at pickup time,.., and come away thinking 'I should have said....' Don't know what's wrong with me.
Will try to become an observer then. Thankyou.

OP posts:

ptpan · 21/11/2013 21:26

And yes to volunteering for whatever you can,I go to the PTA-it took a lot of courage but fuck it,I have met a few mums from the older kids year groups that I can say hello to.

ptpan · 21/11/2013 21:38

It's funny because at work as I'm customer facing I talk all day very confidently,all my staff think I'm super confident-they have told me this-and say im calm organised and efficient!
Ha ha if only!!!!
Out of my security of work I'm a wreck sometimes,I can feel the physical anxiety of talking to strangers in groups.I always talk myself down if given the chance,but dropping if my kids at school made me think i really need to establish some relationships for their benefit as well as mine so for example I have offered a couple of mums that leave on my street my number and told them if they ever need me to walk their kids to school then just text me.
They were so happy and offered to do the same for me,so we have solved a problem before it happens if any of us get ill etc.
I'm glad some of what I wrote might help you!

Lulu1083 · 21/11/2013 21:39

spookey

My best advice is to get there early. Be the first there. Then when another mum arrives and it's just the two of you say hello, I'm ----, your child's name, and then they'll introduce themselves. Ask how their child is settling in, or something school related, weather, Christmas, whatever.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/11/2013 22:21

Seriously, you don't make friends through exchanging small talk for 5-10 minutes a few times a week. Acquaintances yes, friends no.

Just pick someone who you think might be nice and suggest a coffee or a drink.

FairyPenguin · 21/11/2013 22:30

I found it hard at drop off and pick up too. I actually got to know mums better when my DD went to theirs for a play date, or we had their DC over, as you have to chat to make arrangements and then you always have a chat when you or they collect at the end. I also got to know people at birthday parties. Some stay, some go (parents, that is), or if everyone leaves, then I would go at least 10 mins before the end and chat to other parents waiting. I found it much easier as you have something to talk about then, ie venue, party enetertainer, etc.

ICameOnTheJitney · 22/11/2013 09:06

Shagging is right....friendship is born of shared experience...doing things together. This is why I suggest joining the PTA.

heinztomatosoup · 22/11/2013 11:43

You are not alone Spookey. We moved areas and dd yr 2 started new school in September where we do not know anyone, and was hoping to make friends via school. Here we are over 2 months later and majority of mums don't speak to me although I always smile and try to look friendly. It can be soul destroying standing alone every day while everyone else chats in a big group. Gradually have managed to strike up conversation with couple of nice mums, but its hard. Good advice re PTA I have volunteered but not been taken up on offer yet, again think its a group of friends that run it as a social thing so not too willing to have 'strangers' in on it? Think need to be patient...?

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 22/11/2013 11:48

I felt the same when I first took my DD to school but in the end I just had to be the one to step forward and start chatting, which was quite hard for me as I am quite a shy person.

Maybe try chatting to one or two who look friendly and take it from there.

It took me a while but now I have some good friends from school.

Great suggestion to join ther PTA too, I did that as well

Mintyy · 22/11/2013 11:48

As your child makes friends and wants to invite other children back to tea (or get invited to their's) then you will get an opportunity to get to know the other parents better. Its a bit awkward for everyone at first, unless the other parents already know each other from Nursery or from being neighbours. Don't fret too much ... you've got 7 years of primary school stretching out in front of you!

Layl77 · 22/11/2013 12:03

Some replies are really cruel!
I'd help out in school or PTA , you'll have things in common with more people and have more to talk about & know the kids more too. As your child goes to parties etc you'll likely start to speak to more people. Maybe say good morning and make small talk with some of them?

Hullygully · 22/11/2013 12:07

PTA definitely, it's much easier to get to know people whilst doing stuff than just standing in the playground a couple of mornings a week.

I joined every committee going when my dc went to a new school and it really helped me meet people.

Tailtwister · 22/11/2013 12:37

Do you have a class rep OP? We have one and they organise a couple of get togethers each term. They are usually in the evening, so people have a chance to chat without the children around. We went to one recently (which I was dreading) but it was actually really nice. I don't think I've made any life long friends and we did talk mostly about our children, but it made people seem more approachable at the school gate. I don't often have time to stop and chat, but I'm now on nodding terms with a lot more people than before.

fromparistoberlin · 22/11/2013 12:49

most school gate mums are bitches, FACT

JOKE, its been a bad week

However, I dopnt get why you want to make friends?

you work part time, so clearly pretty busy
why not relax, see what friends your DC makes over time, and if needs be invite a few of the kids and mums you like to look of to his birthday party

Your child wont suffer I assure you

fucking school gate, really is a mare

redskyatnight · 22/11/2013 12:50

My DC are in Y3 and Y5 and I've not made what I would call "friends" with any of the parents. Although I know the parents of the DC's better friends on a slightly-more-than-aquaintance basis. If you only see them at pickup and drop off, you are really reduced to small talk. I think you need to proactively invite someone for coffee if you want to get to know them.

I didn't find the PTA good for making actual friends - only for getting to know more people to make small talk to.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 22/11/2013 13:14

Spookey - don't underestimate the role of luck, either. I remember feeling exactly the way you did when I was on maternity leave - I tried really hard to make all the right noises at baby groups - ask about interests, cautiously suggest coffee, etc., all to no avail. For me, things have worked out much better at nursery/school. And I honestly think it was down to bad luck - through no fault of mine or theirs, I just didn't gel with the women I met at baby groups. Hopefully reminding yourself of this will help you think "it's not me, it's not necessarily them, sometimes these things don't just click straight off."

Of course baby groups are a year of your life, each school is more like 7 years, so you do need a strategy, and there's good suggestions up thread.

I'd go for doing it via your children - find out which children they like, note to teacher with your phone no. in suggesting arranging a play date, to be put into child's book bag. And don't expect too much - probably out of 5 sets of parents, you'll exchange polite pleasantries with 3, sit there thinking "when is this torment going to be over?" with the 4th and actually get on OK with number 5. And it won't be instant success. You'll then have to build up a friendship with parent number 5 over a period of time (which is why you're probably looking at lots of play dates - you need more than one other parent you get on with, otherwise that one will start to feel a bit cornered).

Also, do you have work friends/friends from hobbies with children similar ages to yours that you could try to see at weekends? I find both these approachs also work well.

bolderdash · 22/11/2013 13:18

I think the aim is to make acquaintances rather than friends in the first instance. Just so you can arrange joint pick ups, coming round to play.

I'm rubbish at it.

A man in the playground the other day I noticed was very skilled at it. He stands next to someone else on their own then makes an opening remark e.g. gosh it's colder than I thought today.

The other person then replies yes,it's cold etc. He can then say, which class is your dc in? Are they enjoying it? or are they going on the trip to the zoo?

You will come across monosyllibic people who don't want to talk. But don't let it put you off. Just don't pick them next time.

I think it helped me to stop worrying about making friends though and just accept I was more likely to make acquaintances if I'm only seeing them for 5 minutes a week.

Flip

1 2