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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop in-laws visiting?

26 replies

millskii · 21/11/2013 16:34

I'm currently pregnant with baby #2. My in laws live far away and have to fly to come and visit (45 min flight). When DS was born, they came when he was a week old and stayed for almost 3 weeks. I found them staying so close to his arrival a massive strain and feel it affected our bond in those early weeks. MIL is a nanny and total know it all which didn't help my confidence. They visit around every 4-5 months now to see DS, and as we have gotten older and more independent, they have become more and more undermining (we were quite young having DS and I think they are struggling with empty nest syndrome!)

I have been clear from the start with OH that when #2 arrives, I do not want visitors staying for any long length of time, as it is important for us to find our feet as a family of 4 before we have any more disruption. I gave a ball park figure of at least 2-3 weeks. Visitors coming for an hour or two - fine, but weeks at a time is too much for me. OH totally agree's with me on this but finds it hard to communicate with his parents - he of course doesn't want to cause upset.

In laws don't seem to realise how much of a burden they are when they stay. They see themselves as a massive 'help' but in reality it just puts pressure on me to have my stuff together 24/7, and with a newborn + toddler this is going to be almost impossible!

AIBU to request that they leave it a few weeks before coming to visit when #2 arrives? Is it totally harsh of me? I don't want to fall out with them over it, but I feel I should put myself (and my children) first in this situation..

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 21/11/2013 16:36

YANBU stand your ground and be upfront when they undermine you. People only treat you how you allow them to.

kinkyfuckery · 21/11/2013 16:37

Not unreasonable at all, especially since your DH thinks the same. Tell them straight, no visiting for 2 weeks, then if they are coming to stay, they have to book into somewhere so you are not expected to host them.

VegasIsBest · 21/11/2013 16:42

You might find that they can be helpful with your older child giving you time to rest with the baby. Could you and your husband agree some ground rules with them?

Killinascullion · 21/11/2013 16:57

I'm a MIL with a 6 month grandson (partner's oldest son) and also have a 4 year old of my own.

I often hear my younger NCT mummy friends moaning about their PIL's.

However, one thing I have come to realise is that in most cases both parties just want to be helpful and neither are mind readers.

Please don't expect your MIL to know how you feel about this without spelling it out to her. I can understand that she desperately wants to be involved and give you the benefit of her experience, like most mums do. Please don't hint or expect your OH to tell her. They're generally useless at being straight talking, in my opinion.

Just tell her yourself how much you really value all her help and advice but that you just want to spend x days/weeks bonding as a 4 person family before receiving any visitors, especially to stay.

Also, tell her that as much as you love their visits, you find it hard to be keeping on top of things for long periods and would they consider staying in a hotel or B&B for some of the time whilst visiting?

My sister flies to visit her grandchildren and half the time they stay in a nearby B&B.

She may feel a bit upset initially, but as long as you send pics and texts etc. keeping her updated, I'm sure she will come round to the idea.

Hissy · 21/11/2013 17:21

let them visit, so they can meet the new baby, but stay in a B&B, tell them that you found the last time too much too soon.

Explain the truth honestly and kindly and say that you don't want to offend, but that is the best for everyone. It's not that they are not welcome, it's that you would prefer things as normal as possible.

pianodoodle · 21/11/2013 17:32

YANBU but obviously you need to tell them kindly.

I'll soon have a newborn and toddler as well and my mum is waiting the couple of weeks until DH goes back to work before she comes to stay for a bit to help me.

It makes sense really that she comes then so I have an extra person in the house during the day for longer, rather than us all getting under each other's feet when DH is on paternity leave :)

Good luck!

Original poster
millskii · 21/11/2013 17:33

Staying in a B&B wouldn't really be an option for them I don't think financially... they asked us to pay for transport to and from the airport to our house last visit as I have spd and struggle to drive a long distance at the moment. We couldn't afford to pay for a B&B for them either. I don't really have a close enough relationship with MIL where I could talk about these issues openly. They seem very sensitive about it. I wouldn't expect OH to discuss such sensitive matters with my parents and so I feel it is his place to have this conversation with his parents..

OP posts:
Original poster
millskii · 21/11/2013 17:35

also my parents live close enough where they could visit for a couple of hours at a time and go home again, so we will be getting a bit of help from them if we need it, although I wouldn't want them staying for weeks just as much as in laws staying! It of course isn't personal. I wish in laws also lived close enough where they could visit for a day rather than weeks at a time.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 21/11/2013 17:36

Then in that case they will just have to wait to visit its not your fault they can't afford it.
Could he write them an email or letter?

LittleBairn · 21/11/2013 17:37

Oh just read about your parents while I totally agree with asking for visitors to wait until your ready for them it's very unfair to allow one set to visit but not the other that's going to stir up a lot of bad blood.

elliegoulding · 21/11/2013 17:41

I remember how intimidating it is having friends or family that are notorious for being 'good with babies' around for the afternoon ... never mind 3 fricking weeks!!

YANBU but do need to put your big girl pants on and tell them.

3boys3dogshelp · 21/11/2013 17:48

My mil lives several hours away so when she visits it is usually for 2-3 nights. When ds 1 was born she came for a week! I'm sure she was trying to help but I was so stressed trying to be presentable, cook for us all and learn how to look after a baby it ruined our first bit of time as a family. But when she came to help after ds2 and 3 it was totally different - it was a huge help to have someone there to look after the others and I found I was more relaxed anyway as I knew what I was doing. New babies change so fast it would be a shame to keep them away for long. Perhaps ask your dh to speak to them about staying for a shorter (much shorter! !) Period of time? Could they stay with your parents? )

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 21/11/2013 18:04

I have a toddler and a four week old baby. YADNBU! Any additional house guests, however well intentioned, will change the dynamic of your family of four settling in period - how could it not? When the ILs already have form for interfering, I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Stand your ground - it's your special time and it sounds like they ruined the first time round so don't let them do it again!!!

Original poster
millskii · 21/11/2013 18:05

A shorter period of time (3 day weekend maybe) would be perfect! but they wont come for a short visit. it's all or nothing for some reason. they go 6 months without seeing DS, but then come for a really long time. More for their money I guess.. I don't really understand it. My parent's don't have a spare bedroom for them to stay in :\

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/11/2013 18:11

Yanbu....wow 3 weeks the first time I would not have coped.
Tell them they are welcome when you are a little more settled with new arrival....however surely a few nights is plenty....

Retroformica · 21/11/2013 18:20

I think you or your DH could just email them but make it very general, non personal and upbeat.

Dear MIL,

It was lovely to chat with you the other night. DH and I had a good chat yesterday and have decided to keep any visits from friends/family very short in the first three weeks (2 or 3 hours max) Of baby's arrival. After that we planned for friends/family to stay a maximum of a few days only so that mostly we are having a quiet bonding time and getting used to life as a foursome. Please let us know which dates would fit in with you. We are very much looking forward to introducing baby x to you. Lots of love xx

3boys3dogshelp · 21/11/2013 18:25

Could you afford to book flights for them to come for a few days as a Christmas present? Then sell it to them as an extra trip rather than instead of their planned long visit. That way at least you postpone the marathon visit until you feel ready for it?

thebody · 21/11/2013 18:32

no it's totally up to you op.i am sure your inlaws mean well so you will need to tactfully but forcefully decline their visit until it suits you as a family.

I don't think its unfair for your own parents to visit either! that's silly as it's a totally different thing to pop round for a few hours verses staying for weeks!

your parents live near so can and that's just the way it is. your inlaws must be able to see this.

also I hate this 'competitive visiting and being even handed' crap.. most women want to see their moms after having a new baby, mils/ aunties/ friends ARE different.

( I did adore my mil btw)

Optimist1 · 21/11/2013 18:52

But it's only a 45 minute flight - why do they have to come for such a long time? A day trip would be a possibility if they put their minds to it!

longjane · 21/11/2013 18:59

Do you visit them?

Where do you stay if you ?

Kundry · 21/11/2013 19:14

45 minutes flight is not a long way away.

waterrat · 21/11/2013 19:40

45 min flight means not far at all - the thing is op the only eu forward here is to tell them - if your partner wot do it then you will have to - compromise would be that they can come after a week or two for a few days - that is totally reasonable - I don't know anyone who would want guests for over that length of time shortly after birth

You have to let go of the worry about offending them - and do what you need to to protect yourself. Tell them the truth politely that you need space and they can then deal with it

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 21/11/2013 19:59

They saw the first baby, they dont have to come and see the second.

I would not even say a few weeks, I would say when I AM READY.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 21/11/2013 20:05

Op your the one who had the baby for god sake, if your DH had an operation and said he would find his parents more helpful in the aftermath who could blame him, rather than having to entertain yours.

no difference when women have had a baby, there is no competition its just who you feel are going to be most helpful.

Ledkr · 21/11/2013 20:10

We had similar and it has unfortunately affected the way I feel about my pil (mostly mil as I cannot believe a fellow female acted so selfishly)
We wish that we had been far more assertive and left no room for manipulation.
I ended up with my first night home as a nightmare for all of us and pnd which I'm sure was partly due to being so upset and anxious at what should have been a happy time.
No room here for pussyfooting around, say it, get it out there and fine bend at all. Too much at stake.

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