Play dates, do you tell their parents the truth about how they behaved?

[mummytowillow]

I've got two siblings for a play date. I'm good friends with their mum and they've been here before.

So far between them they've displayed appalling table manners despite being asked not to do what they were doing.

Pulled faces whilst I asked them not to do this and back chatted.

Broken a toy intentionally by battering it on the floor, which I heard from downstairs

Pushed and kicked each other, and DD.

My daughter has also been a nightmare, and it makes me wonder if the other mum lies when I ask if she's been good on play dates.

Ironically mummytowillow before she cut me out of her life forever she said "the worst part of it is that if you were that pissed off you ought to have said something before".....riiiiiight! Have to say though, despite missing her as a friend (which I genuinely did) it is a bloody relief not to have her kids over anymore.

I just used to smile weakly and not invite them back. There was a terrible moment when the mother of the most ill-behaved child I've ever known (and I think he had significant special needs but a mother who thought he was a genius and said that was why he used to threaten other children with knives in other people's houses, etc) kept inviting dd and I kept nodding and smiling and saying "terribly sorry - ballet on Tuesdays" or "she's busy and needs a few quiet nights". The mother just didn't get the message and eventually said "does dd, not like ds then?". And mouth before brain I just toppled out "well, perhaps if he didn't keep hitting her, she might want to come".

She never spoke to me again and when said child had his leaving party (I think the school suggested he needed support they weren't able to provide unless the mother co-operated with a statement) dd was the only child in the class not invited and cried. . She's over now at 15 and speaks in quiet tones about this child who was very vulnerable and needed a lot of help.

How can you tell the parent though without embarrassing them greatly? Unless they've done something catastrophic I just keep quiet or say something like "kids will be kids" and neve invite them again.

And, I should add, more help than I felt able to provide during an after school tea in a busy household.

Poor you Lila.

We have some really good friends (like half the time we go out at night with a babysitter, it's with them) - their kids are a nightmare. The dad seems to realize this; occasionally he will say something like "I think X is probably going to wind up in prison" and we all laugh. And then he says something like "no seriously, I worry that he might wind up in prison". And I actually don't know what to say, because their kid is such a loose cannon.

We love and adore them so much, their mom is such a good friend of mine but she is SO UNBELIEVABLY LAX in the discipline department I can't deal with it.

I agree Crowler, I've been thinking about this alot lately. I don't think there IS a good way to say it to people. Not that this means you never should, just that, as you say, it usually doesn't go well. It's never happened to me but I do think I would be firstly mortified to have offended a friend but also cross with Dd. Maybe I'm deluding myself!

IF they are usually good I would say they have all been boisterous, your DD included, and that they must be tired. She will get the jist.

I would hate it if DS was naughty and a friend didn't tell me.

It depends on the behaviour. Physically harming someone else, deliberately breaking things....
Being a bit silly even a bit rude I would keep to myself.

Oh, actually I thought of an exception. My lovely friend's Dd upset another girl with a thoughtless comment online. The mother phoned my friend up. My friend was mortified, told her Dd off immediately and insisted she apologise to both the other girl and her mum.

They're usually little shits, ime. Sorry but they are.

If my DD behaved at someone's house how other children behaved at mine I would die. Seriously, I would be mortified.

I always ram it into her that she needs to be on her best behaviour, respect other children's toys and remember her manners and her Ps and Qs.

People usually say "she's been lovely" BUT that's what I say to other parents. "Oh yes, they've been great" through gritted teeth whilst thinking thank FUCK they're going home.

I've only ever had one child come to play who was utterly adorable. She was lovely and I would have her to play anytime. I told her mum that she was a credit to her. Lovely little girl!

All the rest have been whiney, grabby, cheeky and bad mannered with no respect for DD's possessions.

They're usually little shits, ime. Sorry but they are.

There is such wisdom in this post.

Giggling at woolleynortherner and "fat boy" lol!

No I don't say. I usually keep it vague, something like "oh they've been fine. A bit excited!" or whatever.

I think it comes with the package of having a play date. Kids go bonkers, house gets trashed. End the day with a good glug of strong alcohol and move on.

I only have play dates now when both of us adults are around. I then spend the whole time close to tears wishing I had a whistle to blow loudly signalling home time.

I hate play dates. One or two kids are lovely (I hope mine are in others' houses) but most aren't.

But I would just say 'they had a lovely time' rather than read out my dossier of poor behaviour examples. I like the mums.

I wouldn't tell them about lack of table manners, general high jinx etc, I correct that stuff myself as and when, but out and out naughtiness like deliberate breaking of toys, writing on walls, hitting/kicking I would mention, if it was unprovoked on a smaller child. If it was general fisticuffs due to over excitement I would probably just mention there had been some argybargy and leave it at that unless there was blood (has happened)
We have had hundreds of play dates over the years, I do expect chaos and high spirits, spilled drinks, and needing to have a good clear up afterwards, its the nature of the beast I think, as both my kids are quite giddy when they have friends over.

Yes I would and have done before and I would want to know if mine had misbehaved as well. I did march one playdate home during a meal once for telling me to fuck off, his dm was mortified but I wouldn't put up with that from anyone never mind a 7/8 yo.

I thought the unofficial code was "he/she was as good as gold!" Said through gritted teeth= He/she was a little shit.

Never diss someone else's kids unless blood shed. Just don't invite again.

at a 7/8yo play date telling you to fuck off. I am laughing at it though.

I would be mortified if mine behaved badly at someone's house and would have dc write a letter of apology, even if they were 4/5yo. I always tell them over nd over that they must be on best behaviour or can't go back ever. I would like to hear the truth.

I wouldn't comment on table manners as that sounds as if you're judging the parents. I think I've said something like 'they're all a bit tired' if things have gone badly...my dcs often kick up just when I'm picking them up, so I'm the one apologising - but usually because they don't want to go home. I just don't invite the bratty ones back!

Am I the only one wondering if EthethethethChrisWaddle and Woolly northerner used to be neighbours?