To expect a bit of back-up from DH?

[danone]

Now I've always prided myself on being an independent woman.

I like to think I can stand up for myself and not have to rely on a man to fight my battles for me. I've done enough of this in the past and am quite good at it now.

But last week I was involved in a car accident (some knobber was tailgating me down the road late at night, and when I stopped at a roundabout and was checking which exit to take, he bumped into and scraped the corner of my car) so I got out and I was quite angry. I told him he'd been tailgating me and that he needed to pay for repairs. While I was berating him and getting his details (it was quite a long conversation!) DH just stayed in my car, playing on his phone.

I asked him why he hadn't come to check the scrape at least and eventually after much nagging he admitted he was scared of confrontation and that I'm much better to deal with things like that myself.

I felt a bit deflated. I love DH very much and am glad he is a kind, generous, gentle man. But he always just shies away from any potentially heated situations - this is just the most recent example. He hates phoning companies and wouldn't dream of complaining. I complained in a restaurant once and he just about died of mortification.

But I really could have done with some moral support when dealing with a dangerous driver.

AIBU? And if I am, how can I encourage him to be more assertive while keeping him as lovely as he is?

Perhaps you should think of it another way. If your DH had come out and confronted the other driver, the situation may have escalated. Sometimes the other person will feel outnumbered and because it's another man, they won't hold back. I agree that he shouldn't have stayed on his phone.

Strangely enough I think he might have done the right thing in this particular situation. If the dangerous driver was a stroppy bloke he might have been more likely to have a go at your DH rather than you.

However, I do get the general point you are making and I'm not sure what you can do other than to get him to do some of the things he fears, like make difficult phone calls rather than stepping in and helping him out.

I assume he would have got out the car if the other driver was abusive?

I think he was right to stay in the car, him getting out and there being two of you looks like hanging up.

You're the driver, you're the one to sort it.

I've had this too and told dh to stay in the car as I was driving.

That's a good point JudgeJudy, but he could have stuck his head out of the window - I would have done that anyway to see if DH was alright.

Well I think that's fine on occasion but not every time there any kind of potentially difficult situation to deal with. I wouldn't have a lot of respect for someone who behaved like this tbh.

I like that DH thinks I can handle things myself. I know that if things kicked off he would be there. Do you think your DH would?

What a wuss, would he have continued to fiddle with his phone if the man assaulted you?

I wasn't in any danger, the driver stayed in his car while I fumed at him through his driver door, lol.

I don't think he would intervene in an argument though save to drag me away from one.

I was going to say that I'd be gutted if DH hadn't git out of the car in a situation like this, but if the other driver didn't get out of his car then it's not such a big deal.

I suppose I'm just used to DH's fiery temper, he had a fist fight with a man in a multi story car park last Xmas, the guy drove past an empty space and then tried to reverse but DH got in there first.
The guy started shouting and balling in front of loads of kids and when DH tried to calm him down he assaulted him, DH saw red and gave the man a thrashing in the middle of an NCP car park on Xmas eve, it was awful tbh.

I'm with you, OP. I think the "I don't like confrontation" line is a euphemism for, "I'm selfish and I can't be bothered".

Somebody once shrieked abuse at me unprovoked (a neighbour who is known for her ability to start a fight in an empty room) and my DH just stood there and said nothing. I made it clear afterwards that at the very least I would have expected him to say, "don't speak to my wife like that, please". Doing nothing when a loved one is in difficulty shows the antagonist that the passive person finds their behaviour acceptable.

So I'd be making sure that your DH knew this.

Hmmm. If the driver was sitting in his car, I don't think there was any need for your DH to get out. Had driver got out of the car I'd have hoped your DH would have at least stepped out just to show he was there, in case the driver got a bit aggressive - although I agree with others that him wading in and getting involved would probably be more likely to inflame things. But had the pair of you got out while this guy sat in his car being berated, I think you might have looked rather threatening!

Sounds like you did a grand enough job of asserting yourself on your own!

I think you are right in general but not in particular.

A tailgating knobhead is quite likely to be aggressive and on edge. Well, tailgating is aggressive. So, he's likely to respond differently to a woman than a man. Your DH might not have been able to have such a long conversation. The driver would either have got out and threatened him, or driven off. Getting out to back you up would have appeared as a threat and he'd have responded accordingly.

In general I think calm assertiveness is a vital life skill. Too many people only do passive or apoplectic and imagine others to be equally incompetent.

What would really, really bother me would be any action or gesture that indicated lack of support, even if in a misguided effort to pacify an angry person.

I am glad my hubby waits to be asked if I need help rather than assuming I can't handle life. He's quite a big scary looking guy and I'd rather handle any confrontations myself as I'm better at it. I've been trained for it as this used to be my job. No doubt my hubby would be doing the same as yours but looking in the mirror to keep an eye on things and helping out if needed, just as I would have done if it were him.

Men are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Sexist if they try to take over, a wuss if they do nothing.

My dh would be the same, probably. Don't know if that makes it reasonable or not!

We have had a chat once about me wanting him to take my part more. It did seem to come down to him genuinely seeing me as his equal and not thinking he had to do things for me, but I explained that sometimes we all need a bit of support.

However, I do get the creeps from men who seem overly protective of their wives and seem to want to shield them from all the world. Would be too much for me (although I don't think this would be the case in the OP's situation as outlined).

I think this is something that is very subtle and probably needs to be approached carefully in all types of relationships not just men/women ones.

"What a wuss, would he have continued to fiddle with his phone if the man assaulted you?"

Wow....what an odd thing to say?

Yes I am sure he would stick to playing games on his phone when his wife is being beaten up outside, maybe he would have asked his wifes attacker how to get level 76 on Candy Crush!

The fact of that matter is that some blokes react differently to a women challenging them compared to when a man does, when it is the latter it often escalates to some alpha male cock waving contest and violence soon afterwards as both parties are too pig headed to back down just in case they lose 'face'. Personally if I was in a similar situation I would have left Mrs CuChullain to deal with it as she can be very firm and can more then look after herself. Obviously if the other driver started to be verbally abusive or threaten to throw his weight around I would have got out and put the manners on him.

Seems that some gender stereotypes and roles are still alive and well.

If the other driver had kicked off and he'd stayed in the car that would have been a bit cowardly.

But I have more respect in this day and age for a guy who is prepared to admit that he doesn't feel like macho posturing.