Not spoken to Dad in 6 months..

[nitrox]

Hi everyone,

Bit of a ramble of a post no doubt, but I can't get hold of my Mum and don't know what to do.

My Dad has been trying to ring me this morning, I've not spoken to him for 6 months, we haven't fallen out.. it's just his doesn't really bother with me much and I feel constantly rejected and hurt.

I graduated this summer and he doesn't even know, I tried to tell him in May about the fact that I would be graduating this year and he sort of ignored me / didn't hear, I can't be sure.. but I was so hurt that I didn't mention it again and he didn't ask.

He isn't a bad person, he had a bad childhood and I could ask him for £1000 right now and he would most likely write me a cheque and say no more, but I'm sat here in tears now because I don't know what to do.

I can't even explain it, but he hurts my feelings so much and I'm just really upset.

He left a cheery message asking me to call him, then another asking me to please call him and he sounded upset / sorry, I don't know. I think he knows I'm upset but we are both non really confrontational people and would rather ignore things and forget them.

My sister messaged me and tried to ring me saying that Dad was trying to get hold of me and I just wanted to throw my phone out of the window and ignore it.

It's like I've got to the point that his false promises and lack of interest hurt me so much I'd rather he didn't bother, it would be easier.

I didn't go to my step-mums 70th party this year either, because he didn't ask me.. a step sister I don't even keep in touch with messaged me on FB, but not my own Dad, then it seems he's told people 'I didn't turn up'.

I've never felt good enough, and I don't know what to say to him.

I know it's half my fault for not inviting him to the Graduation, but I'm sick of putting in all the effort..

Sorry, I'm just so upset and don't want to hurt my Dad, but upset that he doesn't care if I'm hurt.

12 missed calls.. feel awful..

Oh what a sad post OP. I do feel so sad for you

Two things though. It's not your sister's fault. Sounds like she's trying to help. Why don't you ring her

And if it's 12 missed calls I'd say its urgent / important / both so you need to find out what it's about.

He's spoken to my sister a couple of times in the last 6 months, but not me. I know she is trying to help, but unlike me (lucky her) she doesn't seem phased by it and isn't an emotional person.

I find it much harder and can't understand why he's like it, I feel like it's my fault and I have no idea why.

My mum knows what he's like (divorced) and that's why I tried calling her, but she lives abroad, in fact, we all live in different places now and it's all just so sad.

I had buried all the emotion before he started ringing, then I was angry he was calling and now I'm just really upset and don't want to make a fool of myself on the phone to him.

I'm 30yrs old and feel like a silly little girl.

You're not silly OP. Your feelings are just that. Your feelings and therefore not silly

It's very common to feel like a child still in a relationship with a parent. Especially in cases where the relationship is difficult

Can you ring your sister and see if she knows why he's suddenly desperate to get hold of you?

Oh you poor poor love. My daughter has cut all contact with her father and I have seen the pain and the feelings of abandonment in her. It sounds as if you do need to talk to him but you sound awfully vulnerable.

Keep talking here my darling - just express it all and see if it feels better, before you speak to him. There is a lot of collective wisdom on Mumsnet.

My sister lives in Australia, so has probably gone to bed now.

He does this, ring me every week for a few weeks, then nothing for months on end, then he'll ring.

Feels like a rollercoaster sometimes and I don't know why he can't be consistent.

Last Christmas I went back to my hometown where Dad still lives, my mum had moved abroad and so it was hard as I wouldn't be visiting her as usual. Me and my Boyfriend drove the 3hrs to get there, were there for 2hrs and then told they had to meet my step-mum's son for sunday dinner at the pub (he's 40ish), and so that was that. I hadn't seen him for 1 year and I got 2hrs before someone they see every week had to have lunch with them. 6hrs travelling in a day, I was so embarrased and humiliated by it.

I'm certain nothing is 'wrong', he would have said on the voicemail he left.

Oh, and we weren't invited to the pub.

I'm not a bad person, I'm popular, I got a First at Uni and an Award and I run my own self employed business..

I do feel abandoned Punkatheart, I always have done with him.

Thanks so much for the replies, I can't thank you enough, I feel so awful but I don't want to speak to him today.

I wish I could be spiteful and not be bothered that he will be upset that I'm ignoring him, but I'm not. I feel very guilty that I haven't answered the phone, even though it's him that should feel bad.

Hi nitrox, that sounds like a horrible, lump-in-throat-feeling, I'm so sorry. I have a very difficult family and these long periods of silence are very common and very hurtful. The stress involved when there is then a sudden flurry of attempted contact like this is overwhelming at times. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it and planning to get some professional help to manage it all.

In the longer term this might be helpful to you too but in the immediate present not much use. Just wait until it's a reasonable hour in Oz then see if you can speak to your sister. Remember that a phone call is an invitation to speak, one which you can perfectly legitamately refuse. Try to get out and about to take your mind off it and breathe.

By the way I am 40, there is no age by which we are "supposed" to have it all sussed. The mother of a friend of mine is 78 and still trying to resolve her issues with her (long-dead) father.

"Legitimately"

Hi nitrox, I have one of these - we haven't spoken since March, and I don't think he's even noticed yet.

On the calls, can you decide in advance what you're going to do? I mean, you're not going to answer to him, so can you just delete the call list, and the messages.

In response to your sister's 'Your dad's trying to reach you' text, could you just send 'I know. Don't worry; it's all fine.'

Then just get back to the not answering. You've made the decision, and you have every right to make the decision. You're a grown person, who can choose who they do and don't have conversations with and when, so don't get railroaded into it. If you choose to call him next week, that will be your choice.

It's a hard, horrible feeling. When I knew my dad was going to be at a wedding I was going to, I panicked for about 3 days before hand. It really is the worst feeling.

But you can be strong. You haven't lost anything in your life. You're building for yourself now.

Thank you so much, it's really nice of you all to reply to me I know that people have much worse family problems but it's just overwhelmed me today.

My sister rang me again, she's on a night shift in Oz, so she's awake anyhow and on a break, had a cry to her , she can't understand why he's all of a sudden desperate to talk either.

Felt better after the cry and rang him back, nothing is wrong and I just chatted like normal I just couldn't open myself up enough to say anything.

I still don't think he knows I've Graduated or the hurt he's caused I just don't want to upset him.. Stupid, but I'm not confrontational really and I hate upsetting people.

I think i might look at speaking to someone about it, it's not a normal reaction to have at all.

Minty & Looking - you have both described it perfectly, and although I take no pleasure in it, it's nice to know I'm not alone

Oh nitrox you sound lovely (too lovely? ) and I'm so sorry that your dad causes you so much pain. He sounds very self absorbed. But well done for ringing. Even if it didn't resolve anything, at least it's out of the way and not hanging over you. Well done

Thanks Bit - and thank you so much for your thoughtful replies xx

I guess I never want to take the chance of losing him and we had fallen out, that would be terrible. I do tend to forgive easily, but I'd rather be like that than hold grudges and be miserable, it's the lesser of two evils in some ways.

My sister just text me and said 'well at least it's out of the way for another 6 months', ha! At least other people in the family agree with me.

The thing is, in 'real' life I'm a very strong character and fairly chilled out, but I guess this goes deeper and that's something I need to resolve.

He is selfish, but he's also a nice person in a lot of ways, which is why I find it hard to have a go at him. He just has no idea how much it hurts, he said he'll ring me in a few days, and he won't, so I'll add that to my sh1t list then too!