to let my 7 year old come in our bed

[LegoWidow]

My DS is 7 and is a happy, (mostly) confident and yet fairly sensitive boy. He comes in our bed probably about 4 or 5 nights a week. If he wakes and comes in at around midnight or 1 - I send him back (much to his vocal objections) but usually it's about 4-5 ish in the morning. I don't mind - it's nice to have cuddles. DP and I have talked about whether we should be encouraging him not to - DP is of the mind that he's not going to want to come and cuddle us forever so we should enjoy it now - but agrees that it's only ok if it's that late on (we don't want him there all night). The only downsides for me are that he acts as a bit of human paperclip (ie lying on top of the duvet sometimes) but I mentioned it to someone recently and was met with a raised eyebrow that I allow it. Is it weird? Is he too old for this?

Linked to all of this - he's a bit scared being on a floor in the house on his own. Whilst this has concerned me - I've always been of the view that he will grow out of it. And indeed in the last few weeks, he's started going upstairs on his own (if he's e.g. forgotten a toy) but still won't go into the basement on his own. It used to be worse - we couldn't walk out of a room without him panicking and running after us. Someone suggested that I take him to see a child psychologist - but I think he's just a little boy who is a bit scared of monsters (he says that he's had dreams that they come out of the furniture). We have a nanny a couple of days a week - she doesn't like going downstairs now either - I think she's convinced that he must be able to feel a presence - it's not that though. Both of them use my (totally confident, entirely independent) 3 year old DD as a bouncer!

Whilst it is a pain that I have to go down with him if he wants to go to the loo, I don't think I'll still be doing it when he's 13! Similarly - I'm assuming that I won't be having a strapping teenager in the middle of us at night! Am I right to be relaxed about these things in the view that he will just naturally grow out of them or should I be doing more to encourage him to overcome his fears etc?

No it's not strange.

I'm with your DP- enjoy it while you can, he will grow out of it. My two often creep into bed with us in the early hours (age 2 and 4) and it's lovely! I hope they don't grow out of it too soon.

It's not strange at all. OP, my DS is 11 and more often than not I end up in his bed. I too am waiting for him to grow out of it, god I wish it would hurry up though. He has always been a nightmare and we have tried everything and this is all that works.

You will get a lot of people saying let him get on with it etc etc but at the end of the day everyone parents differently, we just do the best we can.

My DS, like yours, is scared and I remember that feeling as a kid - of course they will grow out of it so as long as it works for you then all will be ok :)

I don't see anything strange about it. Love the cuddles!

If it doesn't bother you then its fine, its nobody else's business and tbh I think whoever commented/reacted sounds like a rude arse.

The only concern I would have is a disturbed nights sleep but if you are happy then that's fine!

Ah thanks - I've always been relaxed about him coming in to bed (I love cuddling him - he's a great cuddler too - unlike my lovely DD who rations her affection - ha!). On the one hand, I don't want to stop him and I will be sad when he grows out of it - but on the other hand, I just worried that I was creating a problem for future.

In a way, I've been more concerned about his fear of being left in a room on a floor on his own. I was amazed last week when he ran upstairs to get his football sticker book himself without pleading for one of us to come with him. It was only ok for him as he ran straight up and then down again but it's a step. It shows me that hopefully he will grow out of it, and I won't have a teenager who needs escorting to the toilet.

Now if only I could get my 3 year old DD IN my bed. On the very rare occasion that she does come in - she just gets annoyed with us all and huffs back to her own bed after about 5 mins, for some peace. They are very different!

Objection, I tend to often have a broken night's sleep anyway - and fall back to sleep pretty quickly, so that's not too much of a worry. Though if he comes in when we come up to bed - if we let him stay all night, I sleep really badly. Sometimes he calls out for us - screaming for someone to come and get him - but other times, he just appears in between us and we haven't noticed him coming in. We are trying to encourage him towards the latter. We only fetch him if he cries out so as not to wake his sister (they share a room).

Yes, you are right - if we are both fine with it (which we are) then it's fine. The only annoying thing is that I now have to wear a nightie in bed! I much prefer to sleep in the nude - but whilst that was fine when he used to come in at e.g. age 3 - I'm conscious that it's not really anymore! I bloody hate sleeping in clothing!

Not strange at all. My boys are 8 & 11 and still come through sometimes - oldest v v occasionally, usually if he's had a nightmare and 8 yr old will just get in and snuggle up to me (could be a couple of times a week, could be not at all for weeks on end).

When their dad was working away for a few months earlier this year, there were quite a few times when we all (me and my 2 boys) went to bed together in my bed at their suggestion.

My boys are not clingy in the least and have always been good at sleeping through and in their own rooms, sometimes they just go through stages of wanting to cuddle up at night. I have never been a 'co-sleeper' or 'attachment parent', my boys are v independent, they just want a cuddle at night sometimes (I'm all for enjoying it while it lasts tbh!).

With regards to being scared to go places in the house on his own, my 8 yr old is currently going through a phase of not liking being upstairs/downstairs on his own if it is dark. Encourage him to overcome his fears like you said, but don't make it into a big deal or that will be counterproductive).

YANBU at all. I would just let him mature at his own pace. It makes sense that children seek comfort and security at when they are essentially most vulnerable. I think it's a natural part of growing up tbh.

It's funny because the idea of having children coming into our bed at night was one of the things I was determined NOT to do before we had them. Now it seems like the most natural thing in the world.

Not strange at all. My DDs are very independent and quite happy to go off and do all sorts of things on their own but both know they are welcome in my bed! They've both had phases of coming in for a cuddle, whether that's because it's a bit cold, they've got something on their minds, they've had a nightmare or they've just popped down to the loo and don't fancy getting back into their own bed. Sometimes these phases have been short, sometimes quite long, often they don't happen for ages.

With DD1 (now 14) I remember a very ill-advised viewing of Dr Who at a friend's house when she was about 7 meant she would not go upstairs or downstairs on her own at all for absolutely ages. She used her younger siblings or the dog! Infuriating though it was, I didn't make a big deal of it and it gradually faded. Didn't let her watch Dr Who for years after though!

These things are all fine.

I think it's totally normal, probably because your DS sounds very much like mine and he still comes in for cuddles! DS has always suffered from nightmares and night terrors. In fact he came in this morning while it was still dark following a nightmare and climbed in for a cuddle.

I remember being a similar age and having nightmares and feeling terrified. I couldn't imagine my own DS feeling the same way and me not reassuring him. I grew out of it! I'm pretty sure he will too and in the meantime I'm happy to let him know I'll always be there for him.

We have two sons - 18 and 15, slept in their own beds since very small.

They never sleep with us, but on occasion they will both (sometimes together!) climb into bed with us either on a weekend morning when we're lounging around . . . . or when we're trying to go to bed at night (at which point they will be evicted in fairly short order).

My DD was very much so like that - I despaired of her ever being independant of me - she came into us nearly every night but it did stop. She's now 11 and rarely (once/twice a year maybe) comes into us - usually for an exceptional reason like a storm or a nightmare. She doesn't like going upstairs on her own either and will use 4 yr old ds as her bouncer too!
We found "what to do when you worry too much" really helpful but really it was a case of patience and time.

I think it's lovely, and as you say he won't want to do it for much longer so enjoy the cuddles. I definitely don't think you're creating any problems for later on in life, if anything the comfort and reassurance he gets from you is more likely to encourage his confidence

For what it's worth I'm 36 and I don't like going into basements by myself either!

My ds did it, he finally grew out of it by the time he went to high school.
Enjoy the cuddles.
As for being afraid to go in the basement alone, I'm like Squoosh.
Luckily I don't have a basement as there could be anything lurking down there .

My dd3 slept in our room a lot of the time til recently, she's 9.5 and it's only in the last 6 months she's been really happy sleeping alone.
We let her sleep on the floor by our bed as long as she didn't disturb us (I really need my sleep) and eventually, at 9 or so, she stopped needing to.

It was never a problem for us, we co-slept with all 3 dc as babies and the other two moved into their own rooms but she was always keen to sleep with someone, and her sisters didn't want her in their rooms.

She isn't a generally fearful child at all in other ways, she just didn't find sleeping in an empty room easy.

Not strange at all. Enjoy them.

As for being on a floor alone, dd (6) is the same but has phases of being scared. I got her a torch as she's more scared when it's dark so she uses that. She also hates anyone talking loudly when she's upstairs or downstairs alone getting a toy or something, so we all have to be really quiet whilst she's gone or else she runs back crying. I've never thought about getting her checked out by a psychologist for this! It's normal child behaviour IMO...It's natural to be scared of being alone; I used to be the same.

Your 7 year old sounds like a very typical child. I wouldn't worry.

Our four year old comes into our bed most nights, she shares a room with her little sister. I don't mind as she isn't a wriggler! The two year old on the other hand will only come in if she has a rare nightmare or is ill, then none of us get any sleep.

I'm not going to discourage it, assuming DD1 grows out of it before she is 20!

This might help
www.goodreads.com/book/show/15790852-the-dark

oh no it's lovely. he's only little. enjoy it while you can.

My DS is also 7 and sneaks in to bed with us every night. I am very relaxed about it and just let him, as he gets in, goes straight back to sleep and hardly wriggles. He wil wake occasionally and give me a hug or tell me he loves me. TBH, the odd night he doesn't and I wake to find him not there, I miss him!

I am also sure he will not still be doing it when he is 13. He is my 'baby', the youngest of three, so I am happy to let him be mummy's boy for as long as he wants.

YANBU!

Hurrah - I am resoundingly not unreasonable! I usually try to have more conviction in my parenting choices but was just a bit worried when someone mentioned a child psychologist re the being scared in a room on his own. I tried to reassure myself that it's perfectly normal for 6/7 year old boys (he's only just 7) to be scared of monsters - but he's built it up so much that I was beginning to think that there was something more deep-seated.

For what it's worth - our basement isn't a dank cellar-type one - it's got a spare bedroom/study in it and the main family bathroom. He wouldn't go to the other floors on his own either until recently, but will now run up and straight back. He's in the kitchen on his own at the moment actually. From your experiences it sounds like he will just gradually grow out of that.

Re the bed sharing - as long as he cuts back on the human paper-clip behaviour, he can stay! He's the cuddliest of cuddly boys and I will miss it when he stops. I'm constantly torn between wanting him to be my baby and wanting him to grow into a fully formed individual! I guess that's the eternal conflict of parenthood!

I definitely agree with those who say that it will give him a good foundation of being comforted etc. I still have memories of getting in bed with my mum (only on very rare occasions mind you - I bet she wouldn't put up with any of the type of shenanigans that DS gets up to!) when I was worried about something or had a bad dream and I felt completely safe. I'm still a total mummy's girl now, mind you!