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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask dss not come over

46 replies

gingermop · 19/11/2013 11:58

hi all bit of situhere id appriciate ur opinions on x

its ds1 birthday today, hes looking forward to coming in from school and opening presents, spending fun time this evening.
anyway
dp just phoned and his son who is off school quite ill with viral bronchitis want to come round wen my kids r home from school.
iv called my docs and been told its very contagious.
ds2 has a very weak immune system and serious heart cond and there no way i want this illness around him.

told dp, he isnt happy, asked for me to take mine out house from 5 for couple of hours so dss can come over.

firstly I hav a 5 year old thats goes to bed at 6.30 plus its ds1 bday, he wants to home, playing with presents, birthday cake and all that.

im in wrong apparently
whats ur veiws

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2013 12:27

Remember, your dp has chosen to not be there for your son on his birthday.

Your dp has asked that your son spends his birthday without his mum and siblings, but with his own son and himself instead. When he did not get that, he chose to not be there for your son.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/11/2013 12:28

But im really not understanding why your dp wants dss over while he is ill! The boy is very ill for starters, its not a normal contact day and its clearly not so he can join the celebrations id dp wants you to take your dcs out of the house!

Is he doing it to detract attention from your son on his birthday? Is dss jealous that his dad is celebrating your sons birthday?

I dont understand why there has to be contact today when it wouldnt normally happen especially when dss is so sick

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2013 12:29

I don't get it.

His son is ill and off school, but he's going to take him out for a couple of hours on his (I assume) stepson's birthday?
He wanted to bring him round so he chould 'share' the illness with your children (esp one who could be made extremely poorly)?

How long have you two been together? Does he fulfill a 'father's' role with your children.

Is he always this daft/thoughtless/unkind?

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2013 12:29

How long has your dp been living with you? Is he usually this selfish and illogical?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/11/2013 12:30

Unless there is something im
Missing/you havent said this is really odd behaviour. I'd seriously be reconsidering this relationship

SleepyFish · 19/11/2013 12:32

Sorry, your dp sounds like a dick. Why is he insisting on seeing his ds on your childs birthday in these circumstances? He's going to give your ds the impression he's not interested in him by choosing not to be around on his birthday. I'm not surprised your pissed off. Just concentrate on enjoying your ds's birthday for now but it sounds like you need to have a proper chat about this later.

Cerisier · 19/11/2013 12:32

DP sounds thoughtless and even reckless, putting DS at risk and bringing upset into the house on a birthday. Why is he not discussing this rationally, rather than storming off? He sounds like a 5 year old. What is it with people who can't talk issues through so that everyone is happy and due consideration has been given to everything?

alranson · 19/11/2013 12:36

DTMFA

Catnap26 · 19/11/2013 12:38

I wouldn't risk it.i bet dss isn't going to school because its contagious YANBU

Moreisnnogedag · 19/11/2013 13:16

I also don't understand why your dss is being taken from his home somewhere on a usual non contact day. Surely he's better off at home?!

LemonBreeland · 19/11/2013 13:21

If DSS is ill surely he should be at home. Your 'D'P should not be taking him out anywhere either.

He sounds charming!

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/11/2013 13:32

So your DP is going to take your DSS "somewhere" to infect strangers with viral bronchitis ?

I can understand that your DSS is probably feeling a bit stir crazy, but surely your DP, as an adult, could explain to him that it is best he stays home and gets well? Couldn't he visit his DSS at his ex's home?

Your DP is being a bit of a dick.

MistressDeeCee · 19/11/2013 13:56

Some people are antagonistic and will orchestrate uneccessary complications so as to cause arguments,and distress. OP it seems to me this is what your DP is doing. Why doesn't he say what's truly on his mind instead of trying to crash your & DS day? Is it that, DSS mum has to go out on that evening so he has to have him, or what? I mean...it must be something.

He knows its a special day for your DS and he's jumping up and down making it all about him. You shouldve called his bluff, taken your DS somewhere really nice for couple of hours after school, with 1 or 2 of his friends; then you'd have seen your DP in a strop & sulk cos he had to be home alone with his DS. But at least you and DS would have had a nice time, before coming back home to the whinging

I don't believe men suddenly get this meanminded and selfcentred. There are normally signs over the years, whether ignored or not. Only you know. But you're very patient as I'd have hit the absolute roof if it were me. Attitude & awkwardness combined? No way.

Whatever happens, make sure you & DS have a brilliant day. Don't let anyone spoil it. & if your DP is going to be frosty about it so your DS notices then, go out so the atmosphere isn't spoilt for DS.

wannaBe · 19/11/2013 14:18

am going to go against the grain a bit here.

firstly, the dss is the dp's child. all this talk of why he should want to see him on a non contact day and how he is selfish for wanting to see his own biological child instead of the op's child is completely unreasonable. The fact is that the op and her dp live together. theirs and op's children's home should just as much be her dp's children's home regardless of whether they only go there eow, and the idea that it's wrong to want to see them out of normal contact time just doesn't sit right with me at all.

If this was the op's ds and he had wanted to see his mum during his dad's contact time and his dp was asking him not to would people support that? or would people say instead that the dp was being selfish and that your children are still your children 24/7 not just during the times when contact states they should be...

now, I appreciate that this child is ill at the moment. I also appreciate that the op's ds2 has some health issues. however this doesn't take away from the fact that the op's dp is this child's father, and that when you get involved with someone with children you get involved with their children as well, not just eow but potentially at the drop of a hat if need be. And that if this child was ill during a routine contact visit then you can't just send them back to their other parent because it's not convenient. equally if the child wants to see their other parent when they're ill you can't just say no because it's not convenient.

If my ds wanted to come home to me during the time he should be with his dad it would happen without question. If my dp objected he would be out the door quicker than I could get to xh's house to fetch ds. And we don't live together, and even now he sees that ds comes first.

To the op her children come first. but to her dp his children come first and that is how it should be.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2013 14:25

WannaBe, sure, but it is OPS childs birthday today. Why should partners childs visit today, with the result that OP need to remove her other children, birthday childs siblings from the home? They were planning birthday cake and presents, why exclude op and her 3 other children from this?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/11/2013 14:40

Wannabe its not wrong to want to see your child iutside of comtact. It is very odd to suddenly insist on it on your step child's birthday when your child is so ill they cant even be at school and then insist that your partner takes all four of her childrenout of their home so that a sick child who doesnt live. There can be there for a few hours. Its the whole thing that is wrong. Not him wanting to see his child outside of contact.

redskyatnight · 19/11/2013 15:38

Maybe DSS coming round was meant to be a nice surprise for birthday boy? And hence DP has planned it with the boy's mum, who has made other plans which she's not prepared to change because she sees no reason that DP shouldn't look after DSS just because he's ill.

I think OP needs to get to the "why" of DSS coming round. If he just wants to be part of birthday celebrations, is Skype/phone possible?

mynewpassion · 19/11/2013 15:49

I think its wrong for him to ask her to take his stepchildren out of their home so that his son can come over.

If he wants to spend time with him, then he has to outside of the house for a couple of hours and then join the family for fun time. Or be there for the blowing of candles and then leave to hang out with his son for a couple of hours.

There is a compromise to made here. The only wrong thing is asking them to leave.

wannaBe · 19/11/2013 17:32

but the dp didn't ask her to take her children out so his could come over, he suggested it when she said that she didn't want the children coming into contact with him.

There is a vast difference between:

"ds is coming over, so please can you take the kids out so they don't have to come into contact with him

and

"Ds is coming over later," "but he is ill and I don't want ds2 to come into contact with him," Well, perhaps you could take the kids out if you don't want them coming into contact with him?"

it was the op who had the expectation of the kids not being in contact, not the dp.

And who knows how ill this child is, perhaps too ill to be running around at school (bronchitis can be pretty crap coughing all the time etc) perhaps he's awake all night coughing and is exhausted in the morning but not necessarily too ill to have a bit of cake. fgs people take their kids out of school for a two week family holiday and nobody bats an eyelid, making the point that he's too ill to leave the house is just a bit ott.

WooWooOwl · 19/11/2013 17:38

He only asked for the ops children to be taken out because she's refusing to let her DP bring his own child into his own home!

I understand that you are worried about another child who has a weak immune system, but there would be nothing you could do about it if the children were full siblings.

While I think the sick child should probably stay put, I don't think it's ever fair to exclude a child from being in their own parents home because they are ill. This is just one of the downsides to creating a blended family, you just have to get over it.

If my DP ever told me that he wouldn't welcome my children into the home we share, he would be straight out the door never to return.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2013 19:04

I am sorry Wannabee, I dont see the difference.

You cant ask a mum to vacate the house with 3 of the children, so that dp can bring a sick child who belongs in bed, over to visit with the birthday boy.

Why would the birthday boy want to celebrate his birthday with his mums partner and child, instead of his own mum and siblings?

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