Is my 14 year old too stressed?

[Oblique27]

First try at AIBU, please be gentle but I need some perspective. My only child is at the local fee paying grammar school which (rightly) prides itself on an extensive and varied curriculum and lots of extra activities. The work for GCSE's is increasing, 4 th year now, and also there is a large part in Romeo and Juliet, extra work for Astronomy as a potential GCSE and top set for all subjects. Also sports every Saturday and another musical production on Sunday. These were all things that PFB wanted to do but suddenly there is too much stress, crying and upset. Should I take it up with the drama teacher immediately (no other 4th year has such a large part) and pull him out even though the performances are only 3 weeks away (my choice) or encourage him that he can cope with the lines with application (husband's choice). I am at a loss and would appreciate your advice.

Have you asked your ds what he wants to do?

Teenagers, I agree should be kept busy but when does he get a day off to relax and maybe do nothing for a change ? It's all about balance. I would encourage him to carry on until the show is over. Then get him to make choices about what he really enjoys between education and leisure time.

Pulling out of a production when you have a large part, at this short notice is not something i would encourage, it would let a lot of people down. I did a lot of stuff like this when i was a teenager and it taught me the importance of working as part of a team, learning to rely on others and be relied (sp? sorry!) upon.
It does however sound like your son has a lot on! perhaps he could scale back some of the other activities like sports etc until the production is underway or over with?
The stress could also be nerves and worry about the performance itself? I think encouraging and helping him to achieve would be a better solution if possible rather than just giving up. His sense of pride and achievement when he has accomplished all of these things will give him great self confidence and he will know he can do whatever he puts his mind to in the future as an adult.

If he pulls out now, he will let everyone else down, and some other poor sod will have to try and learn his lines. He'll never get another part and word will get round that he can't cope / is unreliable / a quitter - you need to support him to go through with this.

Can he pull out of some of the sports between now and the production instead? What is his role in the musical thing on Sunday? Is he indispensable for any of these other things?

Get the production over and then have a long hard look at his commitments and see what he is willing to cut in order to avoid this situation in future.

Thanks for the replies, interesting - I was so sure I was right , the sport is non negotiable as it is A team rugby also for the school, but the Sunday activity is gang-show which takes a break in rehearsals in December and the performance is not till March so less pressure. I will think about how we can support him in learning the lines.....

And thank you Faverolles, good question, I have tried to ask but he says he 'ought to do' everything or suggests we stop the rugby (which is his only exercise time in the week)

The "ought to" comment is worth following up. Why does he think he should do everything?

Yes, it would be a pain if he pulled out the show, but it wouldn't be the end of the world and his mental health is more important. There will be someone else happy to take his part. Have you spoken to him about how he feels about all this?

I think he should probably suck it up for the time that's left before the performance. I guess it's a life lesson for him that over scheduling isn't something he really enjoys.

It's so hard though as I don't think our children are getting the same teenage years we did. I spent most of them partying and doing the odd bit of schoolwork, a few hours a week waitressing (enough to pay for all the partying!) and that was about it. It really doesn't work like that anymore, sadly.

It's not going to make him popular if he pulls out and I'd be concerned that's not going to do his self esteem or stress much good and have a longer lasting effect on him.

I'd be tempted to see how to manage his stress and get him through to the end of the production and then reduce his commitments. Maybe an earlier bedtime and extra sleep, or slower, longer bedtime routine, warm baths, hot milk at bedtime, rub his neck and shoulders, find a time during the day or weekend that he leaves everything and does something like coming for a walk with you might reduce the tears and panic. Teach him some relaxation strategies. There used to be a really good book called Relax and Be Happy which was for parents of teenagers needing help to relax and manage stress. It might help to try writing a schedule with him too so he can plan with you what time gets used for what commitment with limits around it, and that things are getting done and gone.

I don't think pulling out of a play with 3 weeks to go is fair on the rest of the cast.

I don't see why Rugby couldn't be stopped for 3 weeks though if necessary. They would have to cope if he got injured, and this way someone else gets a chance too. If explained to coach that DS has over-committed and it won't happen again he may understand?

Or stop the Astronomy, or the Gang Show.

Or put a bit less effort into hw for 3 weeks and explain to teachers that normal service will be resumed after show.

Look at time management too. Is there really not enough time, or just not enough time to do it all plus facebook and xbox? maybe go through schedule for next 3 weeks with DS and show how it can all be fitted in?

yes, this one:

www.amazon.co.uk/Relax-be-Happy-Jane-Madders/dp/0046490434/ref=sr_1_cc_3?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1384966308&sr=1-3-catcorr&keywords=%22relax+and+be+happy%22

and this is a description of what's in it:

www.rfli.co.uk/component/virtuemart/book-relax-and-be-happy-for-children-by-jane-madders-detail?tmpl=component&format=pdf

Gosh, you ask the exact question that has been preying on my mind about my DS (13). Since he started secondary he has never got home before 630 due to sports and clubs and late classes. Last night he came in past 7, bolted down dinner as fast as he could and then did homework till 10 p.m., when I shut him down, only to see him hop out of bed an hour early this morning so he could spend more time on the homework. And he's not even in his GCSE year yet!

I think part of our job as parents is to teach our DC to manage their stress, their perfectionist tendencies, and their timetables by being realistic about what they try to squeeze in. If your son is this busy now imagine how he'll be when he has 4 DC and a job at Goldman Sachs (which he will clearly win)! I think everyone needs at least one day a week with no outside commitments at all, and it sounds as though the easiest thing to cut is the Sunday musical stuff. Since you say Romeo and Juliet is only three weeks away now, can you also talk to his teachers about temporarily reducing homework till the play is over, and his rugby coach likewise? If they understand that he's not simply lazy they should be willing to be flexible. And keep reminding him that in three more weeks the play will be over, it will be Christmas holidays, and he will get a break. Don't schedule a big fancy trip over the holidays!

Is this normal in this country? It seems crazy to me; my childhood was not like this.

Pulling out of a big part in a production, especially a Shakespeare, with 3 weeks to go is absolutely not on!

Is there nothing else that can be done to give him some windows of time. Our leads in plays are often the same children that are good at everything else so we have an 'activities mentor' who goes over timetables with them and finds down time, catch up time or whatever they need, often during a lesson such as art, ICT or PSHE.