To think my mum shouldn't say she's going to kill herself

[tummybummer]

As long as I can remember, my mum has said this when she gets upset.

Tonight again (I'm 29) she was on the phone and was upset about something that was getting her down and said again, 'I think I'll just go off somewhere and kill myself'. She always says this through floods of tears but has never, ever attempted suicide and I'm fairly confident that she never would.

I do have a suspicion that she's depressed. The thing she was upset about tonight was out of proportion and irrational, and she's often weepy in the evenings and overreacts to things. She will not contemplate the idea that she is depressed and gets very, very angry and upset if it is suggested. There is history to this (my dad got depressed, was vile to her and then left, so she associates depression with 'being like him' I think - pop psychology obvs.)

Nevertheless, I think it's really wrong and horrible of her to say to me from time to time that she wishes she was dead, that she wants to kill herself etc. I rips me up inside to hear it and I live far away and don't know what to do. I don't even know how to react anymore. I sort of don't react and just wait for the conversation to move on because I don't know what else to do.

How do you react when she says this?

YANBU OP and I really feel for you, this must be horrible. I'm not sure you'll get the most helpful/supportive response in AIBU though, it might be worth reposting in mental health? For what it's worth, anyone who repeatedly threatens suicidal actions, even if those on the receiving end might think it's attention seeking, probably needs some kind of triage/assessment. Have you got some support for yourself in dealing with all of this? Are there any other family members who could help you in getting your DM to get some help?

Sorry, just reread your last paragraph. What do you think she'd say if you replied "Oh don't be so ridiculous, mother."

I think over the years I've become a bit numb to it to be honest. It still makes me feel sick and really upset, but I know she doesn't really mean it (after this long) because it is her standard response. I feel almost angry that she is saying it, to be honest, because I think it's a really rotten thing to say to your own daughter, especially as I don't think she actually means it. In the next breath we were talking about Christmas together, making plans etc.

The other one she says is 'I'm the unluckiest person in the world' and 'bad stuff always happens to me' (because her curtains fell down, because her boiler broke, because her car got scratched... trivial stuff) and that makes me cross to as she lives a very privileged life - she should rake through a rubbish dump for a living and see how lucky she feels then!

I don't vent any of this to her, by the way - never have. She doesn't have many people to talk to and we are close, so I just listen and offer support. I most say 'yeah' and 'uhuh' when she's in this kind of mood.

There's nobody else really - she doesn't get on very well with my sister and she is divorced.

I think if I told her not to be ridiculous she'd just feel even more sorry for herself.

It sounds like a pattern which needs changing from what you've said as this relationship clearly isn't working for you, even though she may see it as a pressure valve from which to sound off. Do you see her face to face much? I'd suggest a conversation about it when you do see her about how it makes you feel, and how you'd like things to be different in future. Does she know the impact of her behaviour on you? I'm not advocating a big go at her, but a calm conversation about the impact of what she's saying when you are there to reassure her might help as a first start.

if you are sure it is just something she says, rather than a genuine risk, can't you just try reasoning with her, telling her how upset it makes you because you don't want to lose her etc etc

It's an awful thing for anybody to say, let alone a mother to her daughter. If saying "Please stop saying that, I find it very upsetting" isn't an option, and she refuses to seek medical help, I can only think you have to try to become immune to it and think of it as one of her 'odd' ways.

I really sympathise - dealing with a 'difficult' mum who won't acknowledge they're doing anything wrong is horrible. Even though we're grown-ups, getting out of the parent/child relationship is extremely tricky...

Sorry, no helpful suggestions, but this sounds very tough for you

I can sympathise, my mum also frequently tells me she is going to kill herself or wants to. I remember it from as young as seven and crying and not daring to move from her bedroom door because i was terrified she would.

I've become slightlty numb to it too, i dont think its cold hearted i just think its a defense mechanism. She was practically overjoyed when she found her old suicide notes and insisted i read them all

YANBU

Try asking her how she would feel if you said it to her OP.

Yanbu. It is a very selfish and manipulative way for her to behave.

My mother has said this. It is attention seeking and manipulating but I do what you do.. Change the subject, listen etc. it is so hard. With mine in everyday life people think she's so upbeat!! Funny, witty then I get all the crap.

I feel for you too.

OMG Squirrelspit that's horrendous. You have my sympathy. My DM lost her DM to suicide and was cared for in her teens by someone who threatened it fairly seriously (drove herself and my DM, then 14, to Beachy Head on one particularly difficult occasion) and DM never really got over it. Sounds like at least you've found a way to deal with it.

OP, I have other close family instances of this (DH's Mum passed away when he was tiny) and so it's very close to the bone for me, which is why I'm advocating some kind of serious response/intervention... threatening suicide can be as painful and damaging to your family and you as the actual act. I think it's better to cope with the fall out of the raising of it than let it carry on as tacitly accepted behaviour - particularly if you have DCs and she says things like this in front of them.