To ask my parents to speak differently to DD?

[Flyingbytheseatofmypullups]

So, DD is 2 and my parents are in the their 60's. We live an hour away and see them most weeks. Sometimes my mum has DD for a couple of hours midweek. Maybe once a month DD goes to theirs for a sleepover which they all love. She is their only grandchild and they are besotted. I expect them to do whatever works for them, take her wherever they please when she is there and have no issue with them feeding her whatever is easiest. I don't think I'm very PFB and know that we are very lucky to have them so near and so keen to be grandparents.

I do however find myself wanting to say something about how they speak to DD, and to other people when she's around. DF is very loud, sarcastic, pedantic and (I hate to say this) racist. Many months ago, I made it very clear that any racist 'jokes' or refences in front of DD were not acceptable - and he has changed his behaviour in front of her. I think DD likes him a lot but finds him odd and amusing mostly - but confusing at times. We're all used to his character traits, and accepted we're never going to change him - but it bothers me the way he speaks to other members of the family in front of DD. I don't want her to think it's normal to be shouting, refusing to continue a conversation if someone disagrees with you and calling people stupid/ tight/ whatever, even if said in a 'jokey' way.

DM is far easier to get on with and much easier to be around. However, it's a long time since she's been around a toddler. She will tell DD she is naughty or silly if she won't do something straight away, threaten to take toys back to a shop etc. She will 'give in' to tantrums as she doesn't want DD to 'dislike' her. She finds it hard to go a toddler pace when walking or out and about, always rushing DD. Not all the time obviously, DD is an angel 90% of the time, but when flash points occur DM doesn't deal with things the way we do.

Gosh....just realised this is really long, sorry, so what do I say (if anything) without offending them? or do I just accept who they are and they way they do things and assume DD won't be scared for life? DH and I aren't perfect at all, but we are really aware of how we influence DD and think about the way we behave and try and ensure we model respectful behaviour.

Has anyone else dealt with this? What worked/ didn't work? (I know the answer if talk to them, but I just can't imagine the conversation!)

Accept them as they are otherwise it will drive you round the bend.

It's a hard one...she's not around them that much...but I can understand you not liking the mixed messages that she's getting. If she was around them more I'd be inclined to say something...but at this level of interaction maybe just tolerate it as long as you're not seeing it affecting your daughter?

I think you should have a word with your Dad.

I think you probably can't change your Mum.

Oh, and I talked to my (D)M about it...and it resulted in her thrownig me and LOs out of her house..but she's a pretty toxic person

I am in a similar position and unless something really over steps the mark, like the racist remarks, I bite my tongue. I am guessing you grew up hearing the way he speaks to people and have grown up just fine. Perhaps just ask him to not use certain words, I had to ban stupid as ds started to say it.

Ds knows that what he gets away with there is not tolerated at home, he knows the difference.

Its tricky but I always err on the safe side as would hate to upset them by pointing out things that to them that are just normal.

Accept who they are.
Just like your DD will.

I think you could undermine a lot of this to DD without expecting them to change - 'did you see what grandpa did, what a plonker', that kind of thing.

I'm pleased to hear your DF respected you on the racist comments.

Your child will realise that it's not ok to behave like that. It's going to be an uphill and unrewarding battle to change them though and I wouldn't bother.

Now you've got the racism thing sorted I dont' think you need to do anything else.

They won't change (why should they really?) and your DD will learn to accept them exactly as they are.

You can't socially condition the people in your child's life, no matter how much you may want to.

On another note, what's wrong with telling her she's naughty/silly if she doesn't do as she's told?

I'm in the accept them as they are camp as well.

They are devoted to your daughter and treating her in the best way they can. Yes, try and get your DF to stop any racist talk, but other than that I'd leave it.

You are by far the biggest influence on your children at this age. Let it go.

I would pull your father up on the racist shit- you don't want this normalised for your DD or for her to go through life not challenging bigoted views. I don't accept this 'different generation' claptrap, its just a big excuse. An elderly relative used the word 'dolly mixtures' to refer to Indian people recently, and I swiftly told him what I thought about his disgusting attitude. He wouldn't have said it unless he knew he was going to get a [shocked] reaction= he knew it was wrong to say it. It's ageist and patronising to assume older folks can't take responsibility for the words that come out of their mouths and that they can't change their ways.

I really sympathise, I struggle with some of my family too.
Truth is though, children are extremely adaptable and as my daughter has got older she know full well what I believe and why, also why I don't agree with my family members. It was hard to envisage this being the case though before my daughter was old enough to reason with. I honestly feared she'd be negatively affected. As it was, it's been very useful, raised issues to be discussed that wouldn't otherwise have been and show that it's fine to disagree with people. Great life lessons.

Sorry, missed the bit where you said he changed his racist language. But my point still stands

I think the only thing you might be able to do is offer advice on what works for you when DD is a pickle, or discuss with them your opinions about language. Not in a 'we don't want you to..' way, more a 'I read this book the other day which advised x, so we're trying to ... '

I would just leave things alone. Let them enjoy being grandparents. Presumably you grew up with your df being racist but you are not so his influence can't have been that great. That applies to his other traits as well.

Growing up is about understanding people and the world. Your dd is about to learn that stamping her feet gets her what she wants from your dm but it doesn't work with others. Some people don't deal with confrontation well, some do. The world isn't perfect. Let your dd experience the good and the bad and how to interact with different types of people, it's a valuable skill.

You as her parents will develop the core of who she becomes. Give her great role models and she will learn from rather than become your dp.

Thanks for all your replies. I do appreciate all the advice and just typed a long post and managed to loose it....grrrrr.

The general gist was that I shall try and accept my parents for who they are - whilst being clear on my position re racism, smacking and any other non-negotiables. I also need to trust my ability to demonstrate good behaviour and to help teach DD to deal with different types of people. Think I was being a bit PFB - can't keep her in a sheltered bubble forever!

Just accept it - i used to love going to my great grandmas when i was younger. I must not of taken notice of anything she said though till about 13 (i just enjoyed the sweets and choc ices). At about that age i realized she was a raging racist. She will me more influenced by your parenting and society than her grandparents outdated view points.

I think none of what you have mentioned really matters as long as your parents are very loving and affectionate towards your daughter - if she feels secure and valued by them, then they are a positive force in her life.

The other things you mention, including attitudes to others that you don't share, will not have too much of an impact on her at this age, especially for the amount of time she spends with them and can be countered by your own attitudes now and later on, when she is old enough to discuss them.

The only thing that would bother me slightly is your mother calling your daughter "naughty" and "silly" as these descriptions can be taken to heart if heard a lot. However, if you get on well with your mother, maybe she would stop if you explained you thought they could be damaging - she sounds like a doting Granny who would probably be horrified at the thought.

But I wouldn't worry about your Dad's manner and way of talking, as long as he is good with your daughter. Different personalities and attitudes are all part of life's rich tapestry!

I'd go round a lot less. Don't make a big issue of it, just phase them out a bit. If there's questions asked be honest and say why. That gives them the opportunity to change their behaviour if they want a more meaningful relationship with your dc.

you are not being unreasonable imo

Your DD will be around lots of people in her life, all of them different, and many will speak to/around your DD in a manner you don't like. But as others have said, you are the biggest influence in your child's life. As long as your parents aren't being actively offensive to others, I think you should just let it go - part of life's rich tapestry and all that.

People are coherent and have different rules,you can't control how others do things.

Coherent? different I mean

If only people were coherent....