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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not let him visit?

10 replies

Livesforbedtime · 18/11/2013 14:55

Log story cut short (ish)

My mum died 4 years ago after a prolonged illness, she had a boyfriend who I absolutely hated, he was/is an alcoholic and when drunk pulled stunts such as deleting my husbands number on her mobile and replacing it with his own so that when she sent my dh a text he received it instead Hmm (he was convinced they were having an emotional affair).

He also refused to allow her children to attend treatments with her etc.

However.. He was brilliant when she was really really ill, he took a massive amount of the strain off of me (had young kids at the time) as well as became a full timer carer for DM... We were both present when she died and it was arguable a 'bonding' experience.

We stay in touch (at anniversaries of death etc) by text and the very occasional phone call.. Anyway 6 weeks ago he rang out of the blue and wants to visit for a weekend (opposite end of the country so not a day trip)... I really really don't want him here. He says he wants to see the kids (bearing in mind they haven't seen him since they were toddlers)... I originally said yes and now quite desperately want to get out of it!

AIBU? My main concerns are that he will either get drunk and go on and on about my mum (which if his phone calls are anything to go by is very very likely) or will now start thinking of me as his surrogate family (which I have no desire to be)... I think my mum would have wanted me to stay in touch with him.. Which I have (none of my other family has) but I don't want him in my house!

OP posts:
moldingsunbeams · 18/11/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/11/2013 15:04

molding sunbeams put it much better than I could.
You don't owe him jack shit. And since your mum has died, there is not really any reason to continue to have any form of relationship.

moldingsunbeams · 18/11/2013 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/11/2013 15:30

Just tell him something's come up and you won't be able to. (The fact that the "something" is your realisation that you really don't want to is neither here nor there.)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/11/2013 15:42

Are there no B&B/Hotels nearby that he can stay in? Could you say to him that you'd like to meet up but that you're not in a position to offer him a bed to sleep in at the moment (for whatever reason you like) and you would recommend staying in X, Y or Z places nearby?

Original poster
Livesforbedtime · 18/11/2013 19:19

Wow! Genuinely surprised (and relieved) from the responses!

I honestly thought you would all say 'aw he's lonely, let him come'

Now to think of a way to get out of it!

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 18/11/2013 22:01

Goodness, no. He's not your family. You don't like him. You don't particularly want your DC to have a relationship with him. I would say you certainly owe him a debt of gratitude for looking after your DM so well, but I don't think that extends to keeping him in you and your DC's lives when you have good reasons for not wanting to.

I'm struggling to come up with a direct but tactful line to suggest taking with him, but I'd stick as closely to the truth as you can. The risk with the "something has come up" thing is that he'll just suggest a different date, and then you're kind of into leading him into having false expectations that may be hard to change.

Hmm, maybe suggest meeting up for a few hours at a neutral location, rather than a visit to your home? So he can see the kids, but there is no commitment on either side. And hopefully less chance of him getting tanked up...

Good luck!

puntasticusername · 18/11/2013 22:03

Sorry, missed the bit where you said he's too far away for a day trip. In which case I'd suggest AT THE MOST having him to stay in a hotel nearby. Say you're having the spare room fumigated after a freak vampire bat infestation, or something.

Hassled · 18/11/2013 22:04

I'm worried that when more years have passed you may have regrets if you shut the door completely. There may be questions you want answered, things you want to talk about that only he would understand - that sort of thing.

So - don't have him to stay if you'll feel uncomfortable, but I like the idea of meeting him at a neutral location. A cup of tea somewhere nice - that sort of thing.

Original poster
Livesforbedtime · 20/11/2013 17:35

They were only together for 4 years so it's highly unlikely I would have any questions to ask him..

I texted him with a 'so sorry but have to cancel - hope your all well and have a lovely Christmas' (no lie and then I can't forget change what I said!)

He responded with a really lovely 'that's fine, very disappointed but I have 2 weeks off at Christmas so can come up anytime?

So the saga continues! I like the idea of neutral ground.. Maybe I can make some excuse up over Christmas to go down to see him leave when I want

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