...to be slightly repulsed by DP?

[stinkingbishop]

OK, I laughed this off at first. And I am TRYING to be understanding. But it's actually getting seriously impactful now.

DP, about 6 months ago, developed this really weird habit. I had thought it was just because he had a cold. He basically grunts really loudly (I mean REALLY loudly) and hoiks up all the phlegm in his mouth, and then gobs it all (even more loudly) in the nearest receptacle. Repeatedly.

He does it in earshot of guests (though, tellingly, not his DPs). In front of the twins (so they have started copying the noise, which he just finds amusing). He does it A LOT first thing in the morning during his ablutions. And - which is where it's impacting - last thing at night. I'm trying soooo hard to ignore it, but it doesn't make for a Barry White moment. It's actually making my skin crawl and my teeth shiver and it's REALLY REALLY hard to fancy him and leap into his arms when he comes to bed.

Once, in his sleep, he even did it on my head. I jest not. That was a new low...

I've tried mentioning it in a non-naggy way only to be dismissed. I once even read out an article about things we find disgusting and why, which included chesty things like this, because at a subconscious level we see it as a sign of illness and therefore find it physically repellent because we don't want to be infected.

Do you think he IS ill? Do normal people have that amount of phlegm/catarrh? He doesn't have a cough/wheeze. He IS overweight (which doesn't help either, and he also SNORES like a particularly choked up walrus).

How can I make him aware of it? A bit more discreet? Just to TONE IT DOWN A BIT? I really don't want to be whingey, because I'm not like that at all, and I'm sure I have my own irritating habits. But he genuinely would get more action if he could just STOP BEING SO DISGUSTING!

Suggestions ladies please. Has anyone else had this or similar? How did you gently get them to desist?

It is very gross but I can sympathise with your DH as this happens to me! If I eat dairy I have to gob it back out in the following days esp if I have a cold. It's not an allergy just some kind of intolerance to the casein. But I am very apologetic as I know DH can hear me through the bathroom door. And I seldom eat dairy either so hardly happens.

Does he apologise or seem grossed out himself? He might have some allergies. But it's only a recent problem?

A man across the road from me does this as he walks down the street. It repulses me to the extreme and I dream about punching him in the face, but as I'm not a violent person alas the punching must remain a dream. I often pity his poor wife having to put up with such a phlegmy scumbag.

YADNBU

If he won't listen well maybe his penis will. Tell him that he's becoming less attractive by the day and that your sexual desire for him is in danger of disappearing to the point of no return.

I have been coughing up phlegm lumps since being pregnant. They make me feel sick let alone everyone else.

Your DH should absolutely not be spitting them out of the window, in a bin etc. that's utterly disgusting! I do it into a tissue and then dispose of the tissue.

He should definitely be more discreet, my sympathies to you op.

Update. As luck (in a way) would have it he came back home complaining of mouth ulcers and in his ear (?) Apparently he got this once before and it's because he has a narrow eustachian tube and was meant to see an ENT person but never did (this being decades ago). And he is therefore prone to infections.

I said very casually-like, oo, do you think that's something to do with your snoring and your phlegm then?

Oh no, I'd love to blame that but I can't, that doesn't come from my ear.

Yes, DP, ear, nose and throat are all connected. Hence 'ENT'. And you being told to see one. Twenty years ago!

He is calling them in the morning .

Now just to tackle the general issue of politesse...

Do you have kids that use your phone/any equipment capable of video?
DS has unbeknownst to me and DH been videoing us in our day to day lives. He is six, it hasn't been doing it undercover or anything. But it was an eye opener! DH was slightly repulsed by watching himself stick two hands down his trousers and give his balls a good scratch.
Video your DH hawking up phlegm into a receptacle that shouldn't have phlegm in it and then play it back to him.

I hope ent sort it for your sake

Onsera, you are doing it in the bathroom with the door closed and apologising.

The OP's DH...isn't!

Christ that is disgusting....show him this thread OP - should give him a general consensus of opinion.

Or, as a previous poster suggested, rub his nose in it.

Dairy intolerance.
The ENT appointment will be a while away.
Get him to cut all cow's dairy out of his diet in the meantime.

I could have written this op myself. It's so fucking gross. And so irritating.

Right. Well, it has been a constructive 24 hours on the phlegm front, kicked off by all the hardline support here! Galvanised, I went into polite battle.

He is seeing the GP next week, and an ENT consultant the week after. Hallelujah.

I asked whether it would be helpful for me to write a list of what I observed his symptoms to be and, using that pretext, had a little word about the gobbing. I said it just wasn't natural. he said 'really?' Er, NOOOOO DP. He claimed not to be aware of it most of the time. I said therefore I would point it out to him when he did it .

Last night I heard him creep into the bathroom, shut the door, and run the shower to disguise the noise of the hoiking.

This is all a good start as regards the house training. So thank you good women of MN .

Oh good Lord, stab him, repeatedly.

That is vile.

I seem to get lots of phlegm in the evenings. I'm sure it's related to the heating being on/temperature as I used to get it in my friend's car when the heating was on full blast. Although our heating is set fairly low and it doesn't happen every evening, so I'm really not sure what the cause is. Anyway, it does result in quite a lot of throat clearing, which I'm sure is annoying enough for my OH, but I would never, ever, EVER hoik it up and then gob it out. There's just no need. It's disgusting and a really bad example to set your kids.

I constantly have to slap my OH's hand when I see him fiddling around down his pants. When he claims it's normal/natural, etc I have to point out that he never does it when we're with our parents or other couples, etc. Just me. So he gets a slap.

Start doing it yourself or develop and equally disgusting habit and making it a disgusting habit war.

On your head?

Just a quick mention to say that your original OP talked about him being overweight and snoring - your GP might want to refer him to a sleep apnoea clinic to investigate, as this would tie in with the other symptoms and can be quite serious...

out the car window

That, along with the rest of the 'receptacles', is awful. If my OH(if I had one) did this he'd soon stop as I'd be throwing up every time he did it

Glad he's realised and is off to the docs though

I'd go along the 'if you ever want sex again you'll stop this immediately!' route

A while ago I worked with a woman that was quite pretty (but a bit opinionated) and was always moaning about the fact that she couldn't keep a boyfriend for more than a date or two. Then she did what you have described (but without the spitting bit) and I thought, 'Mmmm...there's yer answer love! She did it a lot - boak!

That is fucking gross. Coughing up is to be done in the bathroom only behind closed doors!

Can't believe he coughed up phlegm on your head in his sleep! EWWWWWWW

That is ab.so.lutely. disgusting
Even if he did have a medical condition he didn't bother his hole to sort it out himself like an adult. And he can control it. An he spat on you

I heave anytime I see some filth merchant hawking phlegm in the street, I can believe women who have sex with such creatures exist!! (Obviously excluding CF sufferers an people with actual medical problems, although I'm sure they wouldn't do what OPs husband does)

OP, is your DP the one who has an alcohol problem? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Just thought there might be a connection. It is indeed revolting - yanbu.

Im glad he is taking you seriously because if my DP did that, specially doing it ON me I think I want to kill him. Some dirty little gobshite spat like that on my schoolbag at school once. I should have retaliated by puking on him.

hackmum he has the odd friends/work evening out where he goes a bit kerazee (in a middle aged Dad way!) but not a problem, no. Just maybe a bit tiresome (I'm teetotal). I was worried about him a couple of years so maybe it was that?? In which case you have a VERY good memory!

He did acknowledge last night though that social drinking/smoking/overeating won't be helping at all. Which is good. I do think there is some other explanation though.

I get this a lot, especially in winter and when I'm outdoors a lot. If he brings up a lot of oddly-coloured mucus he needs an expectorant, possibly a humidifier as well, and needs to shield his mouth. That'll reduce the amount of times he'll need to clear the passageways, so to speak.

As for the spitting, I have never spit publicly into anything other than a discreetly held tissue. There is no need to be disgusting about it. If he accuses you of nagging, just keep it up because it's awful, and a health hazard. If he's sick, he needs medicine, if he's not, he needs to manage his effluvia better.