More a would this be unreasonable?

[TheArmadillo]

I have a dilemma.

Possibly relevant background: I come from an abusive family who I am not in contact with any more. It has obviously had an impact on me and the way I bring up my children. One of the things is I now try to trust my instincts around people - I avoid/stay away from those who make me uncomfortable, even if I'm not sure why. Part of the work I had to do was learning to set reasonable boundaries with other people. I am quite protective of my children.

MIL (who is fabulous and who I trust completely with my children) has a good friend who makes me really uncomfortable, but I don't know why. This person is closer to my age and has young children (as do I). One of her kids is having a party soon that ILs have asked if they can take kids to. They went to the last one as I felt I had no proper reason to say no.

I don't want them to go but have again no reason to say no. PIL would be there at all times and are more protective of the kids than I am.

However there is something about this person I really don't like and I don't like the kids being around them. Dh feels the same as I do.

I have never said anything to MIL as I have nothing I can put my finger on, I could be wrong and this is her friend who she knows better than I do.

What do I do? Tell MIL how I feel? Let the kids go and suck it up? Plan something for the kids that day so they can't go?

MIL does socialise with them occasionally when they have the kids, I don't always know when the stuff is being planned so can't pull the kids out without upsetting kids and upsetting MIL but it is something that I don't like.

Well, first it sounds that your ILs adore your kids and the kids are totally safe with them ... but: what is it about the people throwing the party that is worrying you? Is there something you've heard, or seen, or just a 'feeling'? What sort of feeling? Does one of the people in question leer at the kids or ... what? I feel there's maybe something more you're not telling us here.

If it makes you uncomfortable say no. I know what you mean about feelings.

I would tell MIL and just say that both you and your husband are not happy about this person. You don't need a better reason, they are your children.

My PIL are wonderful and the only people I trust completely with my kids. I don't think they would ever let my kids come to any harm.

This person puts me on edge. I feel she can be inappropriate, not in a sexual way at all, but in a way that reminds me of my family. Over generous gift from someone at the time I don't think I had met. There was another inappropriate gift giving situation that put my MIL in an uncomftable position. Overly friendly and assuming a level of friendship with us when I didn't really know them. I also feel like their persona is fake. The way they interact with other people and their own kids doesn't feel quite right.

I was raised by abusers and nobody noticed. But when it came out the one thing everyone said was there was something not quite right about them. I have no idea whether this person is anything like my parents and even if they were there is nothing that will happen to my kids as a result. But still not comfortable with it.

Always listen to your instincts.

May be a little tricky to explain to your in laws.

I think the easiest thing would be to plan something for the kids that day.

But this is something that will come up again and again so I think me and dh have to make a decision whether to tell MIL how we feel. This is a close friend of hers who hasn't done anything wrong as such and I don't want the ILs to feel that we don't trust them with the kids cos we do, or put them in a difficult position.

Talk to your MIL, you sound very close to her, Im pretty sure shed understand, in fact she`d probably feel hurt if you dont tell her how your feeling, and from what your saying it sounds as though she might have a few reservations about this person too.

If your problem is the over-the-top present giving, and the discomfort of being "bounced" into intimacy, it's not an offensive thing to complain about. You're not, after all, accusing your PIL of associating with paedophiles!

It's not as though you see these people; your PIL see them, and it sounds like even that is only with the DC, so would it even be noticed if your PIL stepped back?

If they know about your family, surely you can talk about this to them!

You said you were raised with abusers and "nobody noticed" . That has been really hard for you and has, obviously, left scars. It's not going to be the same for your children. They are loved, protected and watched over by all of you. You don't say what age your children are but presumably you talk to them and they can talk to you? You have a "feeling" so why don't you just say that to your IL's and ask them to be aware of your reservations ( you can explain that you realise you could be completely wrong but just prefer to be honest with them and hope your honesty won't offend them) and give them an opportunity to respond. If the person in question is a close friend your IL's may have some influence that will encourage them to tone down their behaviour. It must ALWAYS being your decision at the end of the day to do what you feel is best for your and yours but the real balancing act as a parent is not letting your difficult past, which you have clearly worked really hard to overcome, become something which then limits opportunities and experiences for your own children.

You say in your OP that your DH feels the same as you. Is this because of something that he has noticed, or is he just trying to support you?

If he feels something isn't quite right then it may be an idea to chat to your inlaws. You're not saying these are nasty people, but just that somehow they have triggered your instincts.

Thanks for these. The forcing into intimacy sums it up well. I think that is what is making dh very uncomfortable.

That the kids have us and ILs to protect them is true. They are not in the position I was.

I have to admit I am afraid of bringing it up with MIL - my insecurities rather than anything to do with her. A fear of rejection that is lessening over time, but I can't quite shake.

We've got a few weeks to decide.

One child is old enough to tell us if anything is wrong but other isn't. However oldest is protective of youngest and youngest is too little not to be left without constant supervision anyway.

TBH I am hoping I see SIL to talk to about it in the meantime and also I think this situation could come up again with someone else in the future (no one in mind) and it might be better to practice almost (wrong word really) in a reasonably safe situation.

It's the balance between trusting my instincts and not being paranoid that's tricky to get.

Remember: you're not rejecting your PIL! Hopefully, there's a safe space inside your relationsgop, to talk about this. What do they know of your past.

If you want non-sccusatory phrases, you could try:

• They're just too full- on, and it makes us and tge DC uncomfortable
• It's hard with them, because we haven't time to spend on the relationship. We haven't got enough time to see you/other dear friends as it is.
• She put your MIL in an awkward situation,too...

Thanks. My PIL know everything about my background and are very supportive.

The phrases are useful. Will talk to dh and decide how to approach it.