Problems with my mum - please give me some advice

[journey2013]

I am really having problems with my mum. She is in her early 60s and I have always had a very close relationship with her. Perhaps too close, i am not sure but i used to speak to her everyday for around 1/2 hour after i got married and left home.

She has supported me through my studies and later our problems conceiving.

However since having DC 1 3 1/2 yrs ago our relationship has become a lot less close, due to me having less time to speak to her/go to their house and my parenting style being quite different. It was very difficult when i had my daughter as i was not expecting relationship problems with my mum, almost got PND.

I had DC 2, 5 mths ago so again i am busy with him and general family life with 2 DC's and a husband who works very long hrs.

Again our relationship is suffering, its almost like she always wants me at their house and cannot accept i have my own responsibilities now. She doesnt have much family and i think she worries about getting old. My sister lives 200 miles away and they have a great relationship, however its easier if you only see each other now and again!!!!

I really dont feel like spending any spare time i do have with her anymore, she doesnt really get me or how i like to raise my children. I have always done as i was told but since having children i feel a strong urge to do things my way.

Just finding it really hard as the last four yrs has bought a lot of distance between us. I am accepting she is getting old and my DH keeps saying that relationships change, stop hanging on to old times.

Any advice/experience on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Used to be really close to my sister however she is now married and has changed so much that we are no longer close either. Feeling very lonely.

relationships change, stop hanging on to old times

A bit of an odd response from your DH.
This is your mother and sister not some old school friends!

I think a lot of daughters have problems with mothers when they become mothers themselves.
It is a seismic shift to see your child have a child and there is invariably conflict about parenting styles.
Give her time.
And talk it through - all of it.
You might be completely misunderstanding the situation from her point of view.

Thank you, thats really helpful.

Any other advice anyone ?

Can she come to you rather than you go to her?
Then can you have a calm conversation about you parenting your way (whilst still 'appreciating' her advice)
Can you spare 10 minutes a few times a week for a phone call? Keep the conversation light and chatty, but keep a connection there.

Hmmm...She is a Grandmother and that can be a special relationship if you allow it. If she is not nit picky, critical of you and all she is doing is trying to be with her family then think how you could be practical about this. I have gone from not having a good relationship to adopting a positive stand for the sake of my third child who is the only one of my 3 who bonded with my mother. Once a month she comes for Sunday lunch and a movie in the afternoon. On top of that she is invited over for Christmas Day but always comes for a buffet instead on Christmas Eve as she prefers being in her own home with her husband. She also sees No 3 child in two youth theatre plays every year, summer and winter and we, sometimes meet in town for lunch and a browse around the shops. I also see her on Birthdays. Nowhere near as much contact as some whose parent lives 5 minutes by car up the road in the same town but for me it is a lot considering our poor history, lack of closeness etc. Be practical, put your Mum on a schedule and keep the power and control. Let the children know her...but it is your way, not her way. She will toe the line if she really wants contact with you all.

Yes you are right good idea re phone calls.

I do get busy with children and sometimes don't want to call anyone. Bit of mild depression I suspect due to the fact over the last seven yrs I left a career as a professional to pursue IVF, 4 rounds later conceived.
Throughout the pregnancy had hospital telling us she may have downs but lluckily was ok.

Then 9 myths later fell preg naturally, only to find out problems with baby at 12 wk scan. Decided to terminate. Then had baby's funeral, which my then v close sister decided not to come to.

We now have a healthy 5mth. But all of these problems have left me a little messed up in the head!

I am lucky to have my 2 dc but it has tired me out getting to this point!

Yes you are right good idea re phone calls.

I do get busy with children and sometimes don't want to call anyone. Bit of mild depression I suspect due to the fact over the last seven yrs I left a career as a professional to pursue IVF, 4 rounds later conceived.
Throughout the pregnancy had hospital telling us she may have downs but lluckily was ok.

Then 9 myths later fell preg naturally, only to find out problems with baby at 12 wk scan. Decided to terminate. Then had baby's funeral, which my then v close sister decided not to come to.

We now have a healthy 5mth. But all of these problems have left me a little messed up in the head!

I am lucky to have my 2 dc but it has tired me out getting to this point!

Could you spare a little mum / daughter time, just you and her. Even if it is lunch once a month or doing some shopping together?

Although you have needed to move forward emotionally in your own life journey becoming a mum yourself, it might be nice for you both to invest that time to keep nurturing your own relationship, rather that sacrificing it just because your parenting styles are different.

These are precious years while your mum is still relatively young and you can make some happy memories together. I have discovered aspects of my own relationship with my mum that only happened because we have given ourselves the ability to share time together.

Awww journey, your post only appeared after I posted my message. So sorry to hear your difficulties. You have done amazingly well to get through all that.

Big hug
I know its not the 'done thing' on MN but so what!

Thank u for the message & esp the hug I need it!! Trying not to dwell on the past however deep down I feel I will never be the person I was before all my problems.

Trying to enjoy my children and not focus too much on the career I lost and problems with family !!

Just could do with an 'easy ride ' for a bit x x

You will never be the person you were before your problems but you can move forward and be happy being the person you are now. If you feel you may be depressed it might be worth seeing your GP who is, presumably, aware of all you have been through. It may be worth having someone less close than family to talk it through with.

It is probably hard for your mother, especially as you were close, watching what you have been through and not being able to "make it right" for you. Now that you have your own children you won't have a lot of spare time to spend with her but I agree with living, including her in things you are doing is easier than trying to find seperate times to see her. Invite her to nursery plays, soft play areas where you can have coffee and watch the children. As that get older, sports days and school plays and have a set time each week that you visit her.

If she criticises the way you bring up your children, call her on it. Let her know that you will be doing it your way. Hopefully she will respect this and you can move forward together.

Thank u all for your advice. Some great tips, get mum to come along with me and yes will definitely try to call for 10mins and keep it light... Great advice x