Husband vs my parents situation

[bountyicecream]

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

[SlowlorisIncognito]

Is your counsellor part of some sort of regulated/accredited body? What qualifications do they have?

I think some of the advice they have given is very worrying. I don't think a counsellor should be colluding with your husband in isolating you from the rest of your family (unless there is a history of abuse or something). I don't think a marriage should be "you against the world" when the world is not against you. A lot of this language is very isolating, and very harmful to someone in an abusive relationship.

If it were me, I think I would consider ending the counselling. You shouldn't enter counselling with an abusive partner anyway, and I think trying to isolate you from your family is abusive. You shouldn't agree to any contact arrangements with your own family that you are not happy about.

I think there are several red flags in your posts as well. The fact that he has no friends, and is not close with his family is worrying.

Relationships with one person are not meant to be all consuming. Even if you are still going to stick to this weird contact arrangement with your parents, you should make an effort to have contact with people outside your "primary family" (whatever the hell that means) more often.

For the record, I think refering to your parents as secondary family is wrong from my understanding of sociology. Secondary groups are those which you don't have a long lasting relationship with and are often those you have a relationship with based on interests and activities. They don't exchange things like love and caring with each other. In my opinion, parents are primary family.

[Dilidali]

Church based counselling?????!!!!!!!!
No no no, they are messing with your head OP.

It is not ok to have a rationed contact with our own family.
It is not ok for your h behave like he does.

He is manipulating you and messing with your head.
Sorry.

[Whoknowswhocares]

So in effect then, you are not seeing a counsellor. Just an untrained random stranger with their own agenda.

A REAL, qualified counsellor might just be a good idea. What you are doing at the moment though is madness
Please don't go back for more of this so called 'help'

[Thurlow]

He is trying to isolate you. What he is asking for is just plain weird. As for running off and crying in the bedroom and then making you have tea alone in the room over one little row over a pre-loaded spoon?!

[nennypops]

Step away from the church-based counselling and go for something more professional. What seems to me a glaring omission in the counsellor's attitude is: if the primary family is so important, why is it right for your husband to put his prejudice against your parents ahead of his duty to be with his wife and son at son's party?

[SomewhereBeyondTheSea]

Oh and - your husband refusing to go to your child's birthday party because of a row with your family shows exactly where his priorities lie. What an arsehole. Seriously.

My sister's husband is like this. He has managed to cut her off from us all over the last decade or so. And he has brow-beaten her into giving up her amazing career and she can't find other work that is 'acceptable' to him. It is so, so sad.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

I have seen this happen in a relationship before. In the case I saw it was a long and insidious process of separating the person from their family members culminating in an equally exaggerated situation akin to yours as the final nail in the coffin of that persons family relationships. The perpetrator of this alienation process was an incredibly insecure person who needed to have the partner to themselves because they had alienated friends, employers and everyone else along the way and they needed to know that their partner would always be there. In their case I always felt the partner was complicit by letting the exaggerated events influence their interactions with their family. You have not done that by standing up to the situation and still asking your parents to the party and not taking the path of least resistance of just going along with his complete over reactions.

[bountyicecream]

mrscakes the counsellor has just become a grandfather for the first time. I asked him this. He said he'd find it hard but he hopes he wold manage to put his daughter first and have little contact if she asked for that for the sake of he marriage. Of course he has been to see his cg twice already ....

I asked h the same thing about when dd gets married/ has children. H replied that he feels that she should choose the level of contact that she wants and we should respect it. Which I agree with. I suppose the issue here is that me and h do not agree n the level of contact. So the issue really is what would we do if dd wanted more contact than her h. Well to e it is obvious that we would always be there for dd, will have to ask h his view should this situation arise.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Bt not a wacky or woo church. A modern very large thriving baptist church

Churches have their own adgendas, which doesn't leave them well placed to give you impartial advice.

[SlowlorisIncognito]

Cross-posted.

There is a lot wrong with church based counselling done in this way. You should only see a counsellor that is properly trained and accredited by a professional body.

Refuse to go to counselling unless it is with someone properly qualified. Unqualified, church based counselling can do real harm to people, such as making them think they have repressed memories, when in actual fact the events never happened. This may seem far-fetched, but studies have shown it is actually quite easy to "remind" people of something that never happened to them, and true repressed memories are quite rare.

Don't let this religious group isolate you. You need to make sure you stay in contact with people outside the religious group. Have you talked to any RL friends about the situation? What do they think?

[SofiaAmes]

GET A NEW COUNSELLOR. (AND MAYBE A NEW HUSBAND TOO).
Your husband sounds like he is setting you up to be completely isolated from any other relationships and this counsellor is very very wrong to encourage that. Your husband is handing out very conditional love by not allowing you to have a relationship with your parents at the same time as having one with him. And it is appalling that the counsellor would support this extremely abusive behavior.
Please get a new counsellor and do not restrict your (and your dd's) relationship with your parents.

[bountyicecream]

Hmmm maybe I'll seek some individual counselling elsewhere. Hw do you go about even finding this? And now do I know someone is properly accredited?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Ah right, not a trained counsellor then.

Get a real one, with training and registration with the BACP.

[dreamingbohemian]

OP would you consider going to counselling on your own?

[paxtecum]

OP: Thank God for Mumsnet and the views of wise women.

Please take care op.

Does DH know you post on MN?

Delete your history & Log out when you close.

Best wishes to you.

[bountyicecream]

I have told one friend. A colleague actually. She thinks that h is over the top and controlling and that I should probably leave, although acknowledges it is easy for her to say but hard for me to do

[dreamingbohemian]

x-posted obviously

I cannot urge you strongly enough to go see your own counsellor. Definitely find a proper one, I hope others here have ideas for how to do this (am not in UK anymore).

[ShinyBauble]

I really think you should stop seeing that counsellor. He sounds the very opposite of helpful and professional. I'm not surprised to hear that he's from the church. Unfortunately, he seems to be telling your DH what he wants to hear, so you might find that if you stopped, he'd keep going to the sessions alone as he's found a cheerleader now.

[Lonelygran]

Can you not see what he is doing? This thread is really upsetting. This man is seriously wrong. Red flags everywhere. You need to get the message through to him that if he keeps behaving like this he will push you away from him, not bind you closer to him.
The first time I have said this under any of my mumsnet names - LTB.

[bountyicecream]

He does, but I tend to nc and use this one for 'serious' issues and another one for the light hearted stuff. He only knows the other nc. Bt yes will delete this history.

Thanks so much for all the time and input from you all.

[TalkieToaster]

If he has no formal training, then he is not a counsellor. Would you trust some random stranger off the street to counsel you in your marriage? Probably not. Then why does it make a difference that he's attached to a church?

OP, you sound frighteningly naive. Drop the 'counsellor'. Find someone who is actually entitled to call themselves that. I'm not even commenting on your husband's behaviour because I'm scared of what I might say.

[SomewhereBeyondTheSea]

OP - I think you can get individual counselling through Relate. Contact them xx

[basgetti]

Sorry to go on again about when your baby was born OP, but did you get any support from anyone else whilst your husband was at work, or were you alone the whole time? And why didn't he take any paternity leave?

[SlowlorisIncognito]

An accedited counsellor will be a member of a body like this one www.bacp.co.uk/. They will have professional qualifications in counselling, and hopefully formal qualifications in something like psychology.