To spend less time with my mother?

[LadyMadonna4]

My mum has become a very "old"66! She moved near us 5 years ago and I used to see her several times a week. My sisters all live 200 miles away so only see her a few times a year.

Mum is divorced and has lived totally on her own for 10 years now. But she turned into a grumbling OAP at 60 and a harridan about a year ago. Nothing is ever right and her social communication skills with other people are embarrassing and appalling.

Today I took her to a craft fayre and she openly insulted several stall holders to the point where we left after 30 minutes. She refuses to join any clubs or societies and although I am 46 myself, I feel I have done my all to encourage her and given up my spare time to take her places. I have 4 sons aged 14-24 and the youngest is autistic so my husband and I have our hands full. His mum is 74 and lives nearby and has a full active life that my mum refuses to have as she believes these groups are for " old people".

Due to her terrible social skills and insulting people I am finding ways to see her less often, as I dread seeing her frankly. I am used to her constant put downs of myself but won't put up with being embarrassed in front of strangers. My sisters think it is unfair if I see less of mum, but easily said when they live 200 miles away. My mother is in full health so thee is no excuse for her bad behaviour. I wonder why she has changed so much and what she gets out of it. Is it wrong for me to want to spend less time with her? Any advice would be great thanks.

Have you actually sat her down and asked her why she is as she is? What does she get out of pissing people off?

I haven't but my younger sister who is outspoken took mum to task at a recent family christening. My mum who was always well dressed, good manners etc was talking to my sister with her mouth full of food and my sister basically told her off for spitting food all over her. My mum accepts this from my youngest sister, but would end up in a huge row with me as I am the eldest, if I tried to do the same.

We have all seen such a huge deterioration in 10 years, we can only put it down to living alone and refusing to join a group/ club. She seems to do this behaviour to shock people, but it is plain embarrassing.

I wonder how to approach the subject without a huge row erupting? I really don't need the stress of a major fall out either!

Could this be the early symptoms of dementia, does she have any other symptoms?

I am wondering if maybe your mother is showing early signs of dementia? Sorry, not a nice thought, but I have experience of someone around the same age as your mum showing similar behaviour - personality change, rudeness, insulting perfect strangers and often acting in a totally irrational way and yes, suddenly developing awful manners in eating and, in his case, loudly farting in public! Turned out it was multiple infarct dementia - you could Google this. Your mum really ought to see her GP, but meanwhile, I so sympathise with you. Sorry I can't be more helpful and hopeful.

The first thing I thought when reading this that it could be the onset of dementia. Could you or your sisters persuade your Mum to go to the drs? It might also be a form of depression.

Thanks for your replies. My mum has always been contrary and an argument picker, but always with family, not strangers. When she is in public and insults someone she always looks round delightedly to see if she has an audience. She always wore modern clothes befitting her age, but is now wearing older frumpy clothes. She is very sharp whomever she talks to and always tries to pick a hole in almost anything, just to give an opposite viewpoint for the fun of it.

I now have a set thing to never react when she starts on me. I let her basically " blow herself out" and give a stubborn silence so she then doesn't get the attention she so obviously seeks.

I will look up dementia, as my gran (her mum ) suffered from it badly herself until her death in 2007.

Thanks again for the advice!

Well YANBU to want to spend a bit less time with her based on her snappy and rude behaviour. Must be very hard though. My mum has always wanted an audience when out and about e.g. she likes to make loud complaints in shops, which is embarrassing. I've always wondered if it's a kind of stress reaction. Maybe she doesn't particularly like being around people and prefers being alone, I don't know. Maybe your mum has lost some confidence due to spending lots of time alone.