I don't even know were to start really...dd will be one in a few weeks and it's been making me reflect on this past year and how wonderful and how bloody hard its been all at the same time.
Ex-oh kicked us out of our new house when dd just turned five months old as he decided family life wasn't for him and would rather drink and we lost everything, all the bloody furniture, all the things that make a home a home, i managed to get back the cot and our clothes but that was about it. We moved in with my v. ill DM as i was absolutely peniless and living off mat pay.
Since then i have tried to claw us back to some kind of normality, trying to save for our own place which is so much harder when we havent even the basic stuff to move out with if and when we manage it. Made all the more harder by the fact we are hundreds of miles away from friends and family other then dm and stepdad who are both quite unwell. I just feel so isolated and sad for dd that i cant provide the hapy life for her that she deserves, that we have to struggle for everything. That for her first birthday i am struggling to think of people that could come, i have my brother so far but thats about it. I see all these posts on bloody facebook with babies surrounded by people and being fussed over for their birthdays and all she is stuck with is me, and the secondhand presents i managed to cobble together. I want her to look back one day i know how special she is.
I have no one to help me with her, even just to hold her for five mins whilst i have a quick shower, and i just feel so drained and short and patience and just not good enough. The onl place really to go round here is softplay so i take her there a couple of times a week so she can have some interaction with other children. Can i ask a question...why do you all insist in coming to soft play in groups?! I feel such a tit sat there on my own with no one to talk to whilst everyones sat having coffee with their friends.
I have no idea the point of this post but AIBU just to feel a bit crap and tearful and lost? Because whenever i do get a rare phonecall from a long distance friend who asks how i am i always feel the need to tell them am great and what a wonderful time i am having. I think onl about two of them know i split up with OH. I just don't want them to know how much i am letting dd down, i dont want them to think i am a crap mother too, and i should be happy as i have dd who is the most amazing little person i have ever met, but there are days i feel like i an breaking.