First Christmas without a loved one. How can I support MIL and DH?

[MamaBear17]

My MIL lost her DF earlier this year. Everyone was devastated. DH and I have been together 12 years, I am very close to his family and everyone has taken the loss hard. My grandfather in law was just the most lovely, caring and sweet man and I find myself missing him all of the time so I can't imagine what it must be like for them. I know MIL is going to find Christmas hard, as is DH. What can I do to help? MIL has said little things about Christmas which allude to how hard it's going to be and I never know what to say. How do you help people get through that first big event? It is all just so bloody sad.

Why have you posted this in AIBU?

I lost my dad a month ago. Christmas is going to be hard. I think just letting them cry if they want to and talk if they need to talk. I'm going to get a nice photo of my dad from last Christmas put in a frame. Good luck. X

Because in on my phone and I've posted here by accident. Apologies, MNHQ can you please move this?

It will be hard for everyone. I'd probably speak to them about it, would they prefer to keep things as close to normal as possible or have a complete change. Ie. go to someone else's house for the day, change timings etc. Just be there, let them know that you do understand that it will be hard for them, be prepared for them to "have a moment" and don't make it into a big deal. I hope that you all manage to have a good time anyway.

Sorry if I seemed abrupt there OP. Didn't mean to.

The first Christmas after my dad died went better than I expected tbh. I just kept thinking it's just another day. Whilst we did spk about dad, it wasn't as heartbreaking as we had envisaged.

Thanks all. Just feel a bit useless and not used to seeing my poor DH so upset. Will try and get the thread moved anyway.

Plenty of hugs help. My dad died right before Christmas a couple of years ago, and there were a lot of hugs and crying.

The best things people did for me and DM were topping up our glasses, spontaneous hugs and having a framed photo by the table at dinner time. Oh, and for us it was better if people mentioned him, but you'll know your family best!

I second the idea of a photo. I lost my DM a few years back and Christmas is always one of the days when the loss feels most acute. A toast to those that can't be there is nice, and we usually have a little sniffle as we recall Christmas's that she was there to share. I agree with VikingLady that quite a bit of booze on tap might help, as well as lots of hugs. There's a lovely piece of prose by Henry Scott Holland called 'Death is nothing at all' which really helped me and might be nice to share with the family. It basically entreats us not to banish the name of the person we miss from our lives. Love, cry, hug and remember.

We lost mil 2 months ago today. She normally soent Christmas Day & New Years Day sometimes we would go to her for Boxing Day.

I adored my mil. I miss her terribly. We're not sure how we will manage Christmas but have young dc so probably just get on with it.

Take care. X x x

mamabear it sounds like just having you around will help make Christmas that little bit easier it seems like you have a lot of love for your DH family. I like and agree with the ideas that have already been shared and hope that these will help...

For me and my mum we found it better to laugh and talk about my dad in the same way we would if he was still around but I know that my brother struggled with both our humor and talking so openly about him... So it's different for everyone. It will be sad and knowing its okay to be sad, I found can make it easier to enjoy and find happiness in other other moments in the day. I also found the poem that home shared a comfort and is worth reading... Take care

Don't try to pretend that everything is ok is my advice.
No stiff upper lips and avoiding the issue.
We all got very drunk and laughed and cried and had pictures of him everywhere and talked about him all day.

All the best to you and yours.

You just do it like you always do, but the toast to Absent Friends has extra poignancy, everyone tears up a bit and then you have a wonderful time reminiscing... as the poster above says, you end up talking about them the whole day. like so many things, it goes better than you think it will, but it is sad at the same time.