to think that it's not possible NOT to take sides

[littlemisssarcastic]

when the two people who have fallen out have fallen out because one of them has been abusive/violent/spiteful to the other or to someone else etc.

As a hypothetical situation, let's say a man discovers his wife has been spiteful, abusive and ultimately intimidating, threatening and violent to his parents, yet when confronted, she refuses to disclose any information on why she has done this. Is it possible for that man to retain a relationship with his parents, who would be upset and angry, while also remaining married to his wife? Is it reasonable for the man to hope his parents will sweep the bad behaviour under the proverbial carpet for the sake of family peace? Is it reasonable to expect his parents, who do not want to be subjected to further spiteful abusive episodes to understand that if they want to visit their son, or have him visit them, they need to understand that it will be carefully managed by the husband so as not to clash with his wife's plans?

Is it possible to sit on the fence in this or similar situations?

I can see that the man would feel in an awkward position, but realistically, what could he do?

For the sake of this thread, the parents in question can think of nothing at all they may have done to upset the wife, and the man and his wife do not have any children.

Would it be different if we put the husband in the wife's position and vice versa?

Is it truly possible not to take sides, and by not taking sides, not adversely affect any of the relationships involved?

This is not a real situation, the people involved are just hypothetical, but I am genuinely interested in what people think?

Have you ever fallen out with anyone because they failed to stand up for what was right, even in the face of their friend/partner/DH/DW/parents/DC etc being mistreated, because they preferred to remain neutral?

Not exactly fallen out but certainly thought less of them. Their worth diminished before my gaze.

My DH takes pride in "not taking sides" when i have an disagreement with DMil and DSil. It drives me mad, as they can be totally weird and rude and of course I would never be anything other than perfectly polite to them . He literally shakes his head and says "women, you'll all get over it" - took 8 months last time for them to start speaking to me again! He very nearly got told to go and live with them, but ultimately i can see that it is very difficult for him to be caught in the middle and I sympathise with that.

Justforlaughs, that would annoy the hell out of me! He really would have been told to go and love with them! Makes it almost sound as if he accepts that you had some part in it!

It is impossible to not take sides most of the time.

I tried not to when my DD and DStD fell out and manage it now they are both adults and a bit more reasonable. I end up pissing them both off by explaining their sisters side to them!

I have two friends who were once close and have fallen out. I see both sides and try not to get involved while being there for them both. Very complex situation, but they will never be friends again!

Mamma It was annoying because i thought he was taking their side - and as I said, they were completely in the wrong, but equally they were annoyed because they thought he was taking MY side. Poor bugger couldn't win and he likes an easy life! but not VERY

Those who stand by and do nothing therefore condone abusive behaviour in my eyes, so by not taking sides, they are indeed taking sides anyway.

That's exactly my sentiments happymummythesedays.

By sitting on the fence, they think they are being neutral, but in fact, they are sending a clear message that the behaviour/abuse/violence is not really bad enough in their eyes to warrant any sort of horror or passion at what has happened and is in fact 50% one persons fault and 50% the other persons fault.
Almost by sitting on the fence, they can't quite decide who to support.

I'm sure that's how the perpetrator sees it anyway.

Take for example the situation I have described in my OP. I'm sure there are lots of people in that or similar situations right now with mutual friends or families taking the neutral stance. Yet what if the perpetrator was guilt of a much more horrific attack, in the eyes of the bystanders? I'm sure you can each bring some action or behaviour to mind that you find abhorrent.

If they were completely horrified and shocked at the perpetrators behaviour, wouldn't they leap to the defence of the victim? Wouldn't they express their strong feelings at how unacceptable they find the action or behaviour? Wouldn't they feel distrustful of the perpetrator after the incident?

Or perhaps they would say 'Well, I'm not taking sides, I care about you both and this isn't my problem. I don't want to get involved, I've got enough on my plate.'

I don't think they would remain neutral if it was something that genuinely horrified or disgusted them, so to remain on the fence over an issue must mean you have no really strong feelings either way, and while you are not congratulating the perpetrator, you are not supporting the victim either, and how do you think the perpetrator sees that?

I had a friend whose family was torn apart by the most horrendous actions - people "refused to take sides" or "didn't want to get involved" despite a trial.

She felt doubly betrayed and no longer speaks to anyone who remained "neutral".

In the situation you describe in your OP it's going to be very difficult for anyone stuck in the middle if they didn't witness exactly what caused the problem, because it's effectively one loved ones word against another's.

It's not reasonable to expect your parents to sweep abusive behaviour from your partner under the carpet, but some people will put up with an unbelievable amount of crap because they live in hope that their partner will change, or they convince themselves that they aren't really to blame simply because they are too scared to be alone.

If I were the parent in that scenario, I wouldn't want to brush it under the carpet but I'd be wondering what I had done in my sons upbringing to make him think that he had to accept abusive behaviour from a partner, and I'd be worried that if I made it into a big deal then I would lose my son completely to a manipulative woman.