to think that h should have discussed his plans to buy a family car

[anonymous13]

Hi

The context is that both our car and the van that h drives for work are dying an inexorable death, so he is trying to sell the former and will also be selling the latter.

I have told him that I think that we would be better off without a car (at least) to avoid the expense. We have three dcs who are primary and secondary school age. H doesn't agree (and to an extent he is right, but I think we would be fine and have gone several months in the past without a car - due to its dying fits) and has, over the past few days, arranged to view a car on gumtree that is a camper van / 7 seater style of car (the same that we had a long time ago) which could double up as a family car and as a work van for him (to transport tools in).

He did all of this without saying anything to me (though he told the kids), and, given that I would be driving it, I am offended and hurt. No discussion over whether this is a good idea (he maintains he didn't discuss it with me because he knows that I don't want a car), or discussion over the type of car, which will (I suppose hmm?) also be mine in spirit given that I contribute to the workings of this family??? His other excuse for not talking to me is that it is partly a work vehicle.

When I voiced my complaint he really didn't get it. Today he tried to make amends by showing me the photo of it (though it turns out the guy who was supposed to bring it over today for h to drive did not turn up) but, given that I don't think my opinion makes any kind of difference, I don't see that there's any point in even looking at it.

Anyway, I am hurt on different levels and about different things (connected to control mainly I think!) but am I being unreasonable? Should I just be grateful he is trying to look after things?

Yes he should have told you BUT he hasn't bought it yet has he?

To be hurt and offended are a bit much.

Just say you will view together and decide together.

I'd say that he prob should have more of a say in what to buy if you say you only want one vehicle and it has to act as his business vehicle which you may drive occasionally i think it's more on him than you but that you should get our say and for him to hear your opinion.

Don't be sad.

I think it should be a joint decision a) because it will come out of family finances and b) because BOTH of you will be using it.

I don't understand how he has convinced himself that you don't need to be involved in the decision.

YABU. He is only looking. Why don't you agree what you are going to do, as a first point ?

I think he should have included you in the search for the new vehicle.

I also think the one he's found is the ideal solution to your needs.

However if the seller didn't turn up I doubt it will go through, so you should be able to be involved in choosing from now on.

Thank you. The thing about being involved with the process from now on is that it feels tokenistic. Ultimately he will do what he wants to do anyway. Maybe am overdramatising, don't know. It just links in to other aspects of our relationship that I don't like.

Thanks for your opinions .

You're right. This isn't about a car/van/camperwagon at all is it?

Can you face posting in Relationships?

He should have consulted you - it's your money too and one person had no right to disregard the feelings/opinions of the other person in the relationship.

That said, I think you should get a car of your own and let him get a work van. I can see you being without transport while he monopolises the van for work.

Given that this relationship is having problems, you dont want to be without independent transport or too reliant on him. Realistically if he needs it for work he is going to have the van most of the time.

It's hard to judge this if it's not all just about this one issue. Like DameDeep said, maybe post it in Relationships?

My DH takes control of buying cars/vans in our house, but I don't mind because it's just about the only thing I don't control... and I don't want to control everything so I'm happy for him to do it. But if you're not happy, you're not happy and so it's not right for you. But it's very hard to judge if we don't have the full picture.

I have always gone and bought the family car without any discussion with my DH - I'm the one that drives it 6 days a week (he will drive it when he does the shopping on a Saturday and if we go on a longer trip). The one time we did buy a car when he had input I bloody hated it and got rid of it asap and purchased the car I wanted; he was told about it when he got home from work

He is only looking, and it sounds like a good idea to me.

I think to be hurt and offended is a bit much, sounds to me like he thought he'd found a great compromise and wanted to check it all out before he presented the idea to you. DH wanted a new car for ages and came home with one all priced up without telling me beforehand - didn't mean I didn't get a say in the final decision but we're not psychically linked so sometimes we research stuff alone first.

My DH brought home one of those big monster truck things once. It was orange and supposed to be our family car.... For a man who is usually very savvy with money and generally a sensible person I was just gobsmacked. Instead of going crazy about it I just tried very hard to ignore what he had done and hope he would see sense. It was gone within a couple of months. Hopefully you can speak to him and make it clear you need to be involved and then be thankful you aren't married to my DH!!

You might be able to get away with not having a car butcan he without a vehicle for work? If he needs to haul his tools can he do it on public transport? It might be out of your hands if a vehicle is needed to bring in income for the family.

Is the business paying for half of it?

I would be hurt and offended but that's because I love cars! Maybe your DH just thought that because you are not really interested you would find it tedious to be involved?