AIBU to ask this woman for an explanation

[BabyMummy29]

A close friend of the family always sent us a Xmas card. Then when we divorced she stopped sending me one but has continued to send one to XH.

I really want to ask her why she does this, as I suspect she is believing all the shit my mother will have told her about what a dreadful person I was to split up from such a saint of a man.

I know it's probably trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it's really annoying me to think that she is believing poisonous lies about me.

Is this person more your ex's friend?

Friends often do feel torn in a break up, but if she was more your ex's friend than yours, that would explain it.

Let it go.

If she did choose to believe anything spiteful your Mother had said about you then she isn't worth the effort and you don't need her friendship.

How long have you been divorced?

Do you send her a card every year?

No she is actually my mum's friend but the DC used to call her Auntie X and she often babysat for us.

She won't even speak to me in the street.

Why would you want a Xmas card from someone you ignore on the street?

SanDiego We've been divorced nearly 4 years and I have a vague rule that I send people a card for 2 years and if they don't send me one, I cross them off my list.

Part of me wants to say "Stupid old cow, stick your card up your arse" but I also don't like to think people are judging me on tittle-tattle without finding out the truth.

Ok so it's not just about the card then is it?

If she won't even speak to you in the street, why would you expect a Christmas card?

I think you're right, she's listened to your Mum and taken sides.

Just try to forget about her. I doubt you'll be able to change her opinion.

I would speak to her in the street but she now looks away.

She chooses to believe your mother evidently. I wouldn't go to the trouble of asking for an explanation: she doesn't sound worth your time.

If you've been divorced for that length of time let it go.

Thanks - I don't think I'll give her the satisfaction of knowing it annoyed me.

I shall rise above it (smiles beatifically)

I wouldn't worry about it. My x's friends were nicer than he was, but I just accept that I'll never see them again and I certainly wouldn't want to stay in touch, through fb or via christmas cards etc...

I'd be more worried that your mother feels you weren't entitled to end a relationship! does your mother not value your happiness? does your mother feel a woman needs a man no matter how miserable he makes her?! it must hurt like nothing on earth that your mum sides with your x. That would have killed me. I needed my mum's good opinion of me. She was on my side. Couldn't have coped with the breakup otherwise.

surely it's far more important to sort your mother out here op? she sounds so horrible and unsupportive.

My mother (I can never bring myself to call her mum, as that sounds too nice) was only concerned that I had brought shame upon her by getting divorced.

She would honestly have preferred me to have remained in an unhappy relationship.

She was of no support to me whatsoever and I think she was waiting and hoping for me to be unable to cope on my own so that she could say, "I told you so"

Flipping heck, that is sad.

Well, I don't even know you, and I'm gonna say that I'm glad you left an unhappy relationship. You must be so strong to leave when you didn't have the self-esteem booster of a mother who believed you deserved to be happy propelling you forward.

Strength and self-esteem are very different though. You sound strong, but with a mother like yours, I bet it's no coincidence that you picked a 'wrong un'.

Ignore her right back.

Are you still on speaking terms with your Mother?

bloody hell op. good on you for staying this strong.

have these and a

I've tried bringing up the subject of my mother's treatment of me several times. She either denies she ever did/said the things or says she did them because that's how she felt at the time.

I find it hard to be civil to her and spend as little time with her as possible. I have made sure I tell other people what she's been like.

She sounds poisonous, the less amount of time you have to be with her the better.

she is not worth your energy, don't let her upset you.

It's very hard to completely turn your back on a mother! No matter how unsupportive/ downright misery-making...
Mumpiring is right, you did well to leave an unhappy relationship.
This card woman's an idiot. Confront her directly (re. not speaking, not card!!) or let it go...

I don't really look on her as a mother, just the woman who gave birth to me

You know where you stand with this other person and I would ignore them. You don't need this person in your life. Your mum sounds like she's not on your side. Let her stay in her misery of her own making. Get on & enjoy rather than be dragged down by these people