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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel lonely every Christmas?

31 replies

FigRolls · 16/11/2013 14:27

I have no family at all. I have a 6 year old from my previous marriage who spends Christmas with her father and his big family whom I loved spending Christmas with. I have a 17 month old now with dh but dh generally works Christmas. His family are nice but an hour away and dh needs the car for work/likes to see dd and I in the evenings. Aibu to feel lonely every Christmas? We'll have our celebration early before 6 yr old dd goes but then being alone for the actual days always feels like an anti climax. It may get easier as 17 month old gets older but it feels wrong that my happiness is then depending on her.

OP posts:
harticus · 16/11/2013 14:37

Christmas makes a lot of people feel lonely.
It can be a fucking dreadful time of year for so many people for so many reasons.
Over the years we have experienced a lot of bereavements around the Xmas period and so it is always a tough time for us.
Before DS was born I always scarpered overseas to a non-Christian country.
Try not to get hung up on the actual day and make your own celebration when your DH and kids are altogether.

SpecificRim · 16/11/2013 14:40

Yanbu. Does your 6 yr old spend Christmas every other year with you? Or is it every year with their dad - because that doesn't seem fair to me. She also has a sibling now so wouldn't they like to spend some Christmases together? I know she probably enjoys the big family affair with her dad's family but I'm sure she would enjoy christmas too with you and her little sibling.

Shallistopnow · 16/11/2013 14:40

Do you mean just Christmas Day or the days before/after too? Can't you join his family on the day? Can you & ex-p take turns each Christmas with 6yo?

Fwiw Christmas is an anti-climax for me too.

ilovesooty · 16/11/2013 14:42

YANBU. I'm on my own and Christmas is a really lonely time for me too.

Original poster
FigRolls · 16/11/2013 14:42

I was thinking of going away with youngest dd for a couple of days rather than just sitting at home all day but then I feel I am BU to dh. However, he works til 7 so gets company all day then to go out with colleagues in the evenings if he likes. The days are the same for me. Plus I'm still breastfeeding so cant even have the bottle of Bailey's I'm craving!

OP posts:
Lagoonablue · 16/11/2013 14:44

Is there anyone else equally lonely or at a loose end you can invite over as a guest? My mum invited a student from China to ours one xmas as she was at a loose end. ( the student).

Original poster
FigRolls · 16/11/2013 14:45

She spends every year at her dad's so she gets to see all of his family from Christmas Eve til the 27th. We have our celebration before or after. No chance of me spending it there as he has new kids and a pregnant gf.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 16/11/2013 14:49

YANBU: Christmas is an odd time.
I would prefer it not being there - IYSWIM.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 16/11/2013 14:51

YANBU. When I was young I often felt very lonely, it was never like it was suppose to be, if that makes any sense. It was very isolating.

I ended up making New Years a far bigger family deal instead. Although DP will be working during the night that night this year, the day will be full of the fun and family time I think we need. Maybe a New Years' family do would work well for you?

Original poster
FigRolls · 16/11/2013 15:04

Thanks but I don't have any family. Dh is working so it'llbe just the kids and I.

OP posts:
TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 16/11/2013 15:13

I don't have any family other than DP and the kids either, it does make things more lonely and isolating if you want to create a big experience (though I was far more isolated when they were around). Making your own family traditions is hard under these circumstances, but throwing away the playbook and doing what's best for you guys will help.

girlywhirly · 16/11/2013 15:22

Your ex having his daughter every Christmas is unfair. Even family courts would award every other Christmas to each parent.

I think (unless you are relying on the money) DH could have a Christmas off once in a while, and also arrange something with his family so that you aren't stuck at home alone. It's quite selfish to expect you to be there when he comes home, when he isn't out socialising, and he isn't thinking about how you'll feel alone on Christmas day. Plus he is a parent, and he will need to consider how working every Christmas day in the future will impact on his children when you start having 6yo DD every other year.

Original poster
FigRolls · 16/11/2013 15:49

Girly I don't want dd to miss out on celebrating Christmas with her father and his family which she would if we alternated Christmases whereas ours is moveable. Dh has about one every six Christmases off, so not many over their childhood

OP posts:
thebody · 16/11/2013 15:54

ah op it's tough but logically speaking it's just another day really.

pick a weekend when your dh isn't working and you have dd and have a special meal or take out/ restaurant,go home and watch a family movie.

Christmas can be such a bloody pressure. xx

thebody · 16/11/2013 15:55

fwiw you sound like you are very unselfish allowing dd to have Christmas with dad every year.

however she may well change this herself as she gets older, things change.

madmomma · 16/11/2013 17:19

YANBU Christmas can be so lonely and painful.

GobbolinoCat · 16/11/2013 19:18

I think you would be amazed how many are lonely at xmas.

Of course there is a big shiny spot light on it every year with lots of emphasis on family.

Nearly every Christmas I can remember someone has been awkward or rude and nearly ruined it. Usually totally different people too. Its always had so much potential but it brings people out in funny moods Confused, ie just because lots of people together do not think they are having a great time.

Its very selfless of you to let your DD go every single xmas, but really I do not think you should be such a martyr every single year. What about your other little one, are they going to be a lonely only whilst the other sibling is off?

I think you should alternate it.

sallymerry · 16/11/2013 19:21

Posting from a new account. YANBU and I know you feel lonely but you still have a dh, and two kids, and your inlaws even if they are a distant away. You don't have "no family at all." I know loneliness is painful though. Do you have any friends you could have some celebrations with?

Justforlaughs · 16/11/2013 19:24

I am sorry that you feel this way every Christmas. I am really shocked that your DD goes to her fathers every year. I think you should be alternating it, especially as she now has a younger sibling, and your ex has another family as well. They can have a celebration on another day, just as easily as you can. It is probably a bit late to change plans for this year, but I would make it clear that next year she will be with you and her new sibling. I hope you manage to have a great time this year. Your 17 month old will be a joy anyway.

sallymerry · 16/11/2013 19:25

I meant say though it's not family, do you know of anyone without any family at Christmas? I'm sure they would love an invitation to your house.

Original poster
FigRolls · 16/11/2013 22:59

No I don't know anyone else who isn't having a family Christmas. Dd will get her Christmas with her sister andus and with her dad and his extended family if he has her over Christmas; I don't see the reason to alternate it for fairness sake on my behalf as dd would then miss out on seeing his extended family altogether. Keeping her for the sake of it would probably feel even more lonely to be honest as I'd feel bad that she could be having a lovely time with her cousins etc and instead is stuck with just me. Other dd being lonely without her is kind of irrelevant as there are always going to be times elder dd is at her fathers, younger dd will grow up used to it.

OP posts:
shezzle · 17/11/2013 00:22

I think you are lovely to be able to arrange for your dd to see her father every Xmas but the loneliness you feel is because you miss her I expect,at a very special time. I don't think you would be depriving her if you alternated every year. I spent a couple of xmas times alone with my first dd before I met DH ( a long,long, time ago now!) i know your dp is working but as you said its lonely so not disimilar to being on your own at times and it would be as special as you make it regardless of how many cousins etc are there. It is important for her to spend some Xmas times with her new little sibling too. I know you said you have another Xmas together but some times to have the actual day with both your dc's might be good for you Thanks

ICameOnTheJitney · 17/11/2013 00:28

You MUST alternate! Your DD won't miss out! She will have one Christmas with you and then the next with her Dad...being with you won't be less than being with him! Only different....you must make this change.

ICameOnTheJitney · 17/11/2013 00:29

PLUS you have her brother to consider now....it's not fair on him to lose his sibling every Christmas! DD will have a lovely time with him as well as you!

Dubjackeen · 17/11/2013 00:40

Someone on another thread said that they have 'fakemas' i.e. pick a day before or after, when your DH and DD are around and have all the celebrations that day. It is only a day, YANBU, but it can help to step back sometimes and decide how you can deal with things, in order to overcome the feeling that you are missing out.
It can be a horribly lonely time, partly, in my view, because there is so much hype and expectation about it.