AIBU to avoid visiting my SIL when I'm visiting the USA? Long!

[caketinrosie]

My Dd is sweet 16 next year and has put up with a lot through those 16 yrs, dealing with her own ASD and the difficulties living with her ASD brother. Although most girls her age can be hard work, she is a sweetheart. I want to reward her with her own dream holiday whilst her db goes away on a boys trip with dad. The problem is florida is not too far away from my SIL who lives in New Jersey. I know once the news comes out SIL will want to meet up with us. Now that would be ok if SIL wasn't such hard work! SIL is an ex model with all the associated eating disorders so eating out with her is a nightmare, ie no oil, no fat, no meat, no bread etc then she likes to take incessant photographs of herself and us (I am not an ex model and consider myself slightly weight challenged ha ha) she is also going through a messy divorce with my BIL so wants to talk about him incessantly! I do love her to bits but in small doses, so I'm concerned she will want to come for the week and will take focus off my DD. Now here's the big issue, last year she became mum to my niece! Dn is 18 months old and due to financial pressures I haven't been able to afford the airfare until now. My intention is to visit later in the year, but will she take offence if I don't invite her to meet us? AIBU???

Can you meet her but put time limit on it as it's yours & dds break?

Could you maybe buy your flights so you first stop somewhere close to her, see her for a day or two and then go to Florida just with your DD?

New Jersey is pretty far from Florida, are you sure she will even want to meet up?

Flights already bought, did consider that but it would almost double the cost so no dice! I was thinking of suggesting a short visit but I'm concerned SIL will go ahead and surprise me with a week!

Sorry, missed the part of your OP where you said she would want to come for a week. I agree with the above poster about arranging a stop over, that way you are in control of how long you see her for. Alternatively you could just say that your DD wants some quality time with you and you have arranged a special trip for just the two of you.

Why does she have to know you are in Florida? Don't Facebook it or tell a load of family.

Then when you are there halfway through the week email/call "surprise we are here fancy flying over? "

What accommodation are you staying in? Can you make it so that she can't stay with you, and you get a break?

Or wil you have a car? Can you meet somewhere like Virginia for the weekend?

florida is very far from new jersey.

this is the equivalent of an american planning atrip to amsterdam and wanting to avoid their SIL in paris- can it be done?

um, yes.

Florida and NJ are not close. Your best bet is to tell her at the last possible minute so that her flights are too expensive.

Most 16 year old girls are dying to get to NYC, however. Have you steered her away from that?

Basgetti I'm sure she will, my other SIL went to Canada and she got offended that they didn't fly to visit her (they don't even get on) honestly she can be great fun and I would love to visit my DN, but I really want my DD to feel she is the most important person, just for her 16th birthday week because she has to compromise so often with her DB and never complains.

my error- the distance is closer to that between london and naples

It's just over 2 hours fly time so not that far for us as a family, she lives in USA and I live in U.K. and DGP live in Ireland so as a family we are used to flying to meet each other. I can't keep it secret that would be bound to come out and would make things worse, I think I'm going to risk offending her and tell her it is just going to be the two of us and I'll see her next time.

Natashabee that is a very cunning plan and just might work!

NJ is loads closer to Canada (well, depending on where in Canada obviously) than it is to Florida. Just don't tell her you're going and when you get back, if she asks about it, just say it was a very short visit and hopefully next time you will be there longer and will have time to have a proper visit with her.

Natasha, good one.

YANBU. FL is at the other end of the country to NJ. Two hours is a long flight, and don't forget the travel time to from and at the airport.

I agree with the plan - tell her it's just the two of you and see her next time. It's your time away with your DD and SIL should respect that.

Play ignorant about the distances and say that it's such a long way that it never occurred to you that she would want to come such long way to see you for a day or two, especially now she has DN, who's also not going to want to be doing the all American teenage calorie-laden fun treats that you've already promised your dd thatshe can do for her dream holiday.

Then if she insists on coming say which day shall we meet you - and if she says she is coming for the week then say fine but which day shall we meet you as we have lots of mum:dd bonding activities planned and what are you going to do for the rest of the time when we're not together? Then remind her that you'll be coming out separately to see her and dn...

We visit NYC and don't meet up with relatives in Canada or indeed Florida. Because it's our hols and we just want to get away from it all.

I'd just not tell her, if she asks later say "oh but we were miles away from you, I wouldn't travel from the South of England to visit someone having a brief stay in the north of Scotland and you're about twice that distance". You don't have to visit relatives just because they're on the same continent. Different if she lived in Florida, but even then I'd just phone her on the second to last day or something if she's that much of a pain.

Thanks all