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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of my friends...

20 replies

Bathsheba · 16/11/2013 12:47

My husband is working away a lot at the moment. He is away about 75% of the time.

We have 3 children, I'm a SAHM and I'm feeling isolated and left out.

Invited my friends round for drinks and a takeaway last night - they couldn't come. They were all off to the theatre together. Just checked Facebook - 2 of them are in town having lunch, and ain't he is off buying clothes for their couples night which I've not even been invited to ( very good chance I couldn't go even if DH was here as it's the type of thing he would hate but being asked would be nice).

They all have husbands who are home every night and all weekend. On top of that they have multiple grandparents ready to babysit/take the kids to activities ("oh yes, DS1 has football but that's the DS1-and-Granda activity...")/take the kids overnight...

I'm off out later, but to the cinema with 3 children and then out for tea with 3 children cos guess what, I have nobody.

Seems at exactly the point where. I need friendship and company, they gave decided to drop me - probably because I can't come out yo play all the time.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 16/11/2013 12:49

They probably just assume you wouldn't be able to make it if you had to decline many times before?

thehorridestmumintheworld · 16/11/2013 12:58

Your friends are lucky op there's a lot of people who aren't off out the whole time. This is why we are playing on mn right now! But maybe if your dh is away a lot you could get a babysitter sometimes, a hired one. Tell your friends you would like to go along next time they are having a night out so you have decided to hire a babysitter and can they let you know. It sounds like you dont get invited as you normally can't go. Even if you can't afford to do this all the time it will be something to look forward to when you can go.

Original poster

Bathsheba · 16/11/2013 13:02

One of my friends - talking about someone else - said only a few weeks ago how important it us yo invite people even if you know they can't come so that they feel included and get the choice themselves...

Another of my friends had a drunken rant at me last Friday night when I was out (my DH was home) - I think I've just been sidelined by them all really

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 16/11/2013 13:05

If people often decline, others stop inviting them. One starts to take it personally when every invite gets a 'thanks, but no thanks'.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 16/11/2013 13:07

They don't sound very good friends tbh is any of them more friendly and understanding that you could have a chat with about things?

mrsjay · 16/11/2013 13:08

what did she rant about? I had to hide friends on facebook as they were always here there and everywhere and I was never invited tbf i am not friends with their other friends but i was getting silly pangs of envy

Original poster

Bathsheba · 16/11/2013 13:13

She ranted about how I shouldn't talk about my 3 year old who is pushing the boundaries all the time - if I'm not going to listen to her advice and do what she tells me (she has 1 less than perfect child) then she doesn't want to hear about me getting stressed out.

And if life with my DH is so hard then I need yo leave him. Again never mention things again if I'm not going to do that.

That makes me sound like I moan all the time - I absolutely don't. That was just the subject of her rant.

OP posts:

thehorridestmumintheworld · 16/11/2013 13:15

I have a friend on Facebook with the most amazing life abroad. She is always posting things like "zumba party on the beach! Its 37 degrees here right now" makes me

CynicalandSmug · 16/11/2013 13:15

People end up feeling kinda rude inviting people out who always say no. Have you any local teenagers for babysitting? I used to do that, much better than a paper round. What about some kind of agreement with a local single parent/s to take turns looking after kids? A nice neighbour who might appreciate being paid with a spot of housework/gardening? Don't leave it too long, before you know it years have flown by!

mrsjay · 16/11/2013 13:22

oh dear she really went to town on you I am sure you don't moan all the time but maybe she thinks you are ignoring her advice well obviously she does, some people dont know how to listen and want to fix things and become annoyed when you dont do as they say tbh she sounds a rubbish friend, is there any in the group that you could meet 1 to 1 rather than the group

Original poster

Bathsheba · 16/11/2013 19:57

One of the girls and I have been out to lunch a few times - but even then I always have DD3 with me. No local teenagers that I know - well, I'm sure there must be local teenagers but I don't know them.

Hopefully DH will be back next weekend and I can have a minute or 2 to myself. I guess I probably do say 2I can't make it" a lot - I thought they might be more understanding and take a bit longer to stop including me in things...

OP posts:

NoisyDay · 16/11/2013 20:38

YANBU.having children can be really isolating,especially if you have no other help.your friends sound a bit dicky though.it is crap:-(

MammaTJ · 16/11/2013 20:46

Have a look on your local buying and selling sites on FB. There is a fab girl who advertises on our local one and comes highly recommended. You may find a good babywitter that way. If you do, invite them to yours for a few hours (paid) getting to know you time, with the DC.

I did not know the girl who advertised on ours but so many of my friends said she was good I will use her soon (as soon as my grouchy DP decides to join me on a night out rather than say 'you go, it costs too much with a babysitter too').

Or look at the local college and see if they can recommend a child care student.

Having said that, your friends are being thoughtless!

Original poster

Bathsheba · 17/11/2013 10:29

Had a bit if a brainwave this morning - just texted a good friend of mine who is a childminder to see if she has space to take DD3 for a few hours tomorrow - basically between nursery and school pick up. That would give me some time. If she can do it, i 'll probably spent the time myself rather than trying to hook up with my friends as I'm wanting a bit of space (a few of them - like ranty girl - I'm not seeing as positive at the moment).

Just waiting to here if my childminder friend can take dd 3

OP posts:

Joysmum · 17/11/2013 10:34

I can relate to what you're saying although I only have one child and she's getting to the age where she can be left at home for a few hours, but obviously not at night.

I think your best plan would be to text all your friends to say your feeling trapped and a bit down and could they all arrange a date to come to yours for takeaway and drinks to cheer you up.

They should come and you can then vent a little bit about the situation (not them) and they should be more sensitive to keeping you in the loop in future and arranging nights where you host.

bakingaddict · 17/11/2013 10:44

Because of your situation maybe you are a bit ground down. Perhaps your friends might be a bit fed up hearing about your kids all the time and throw into the mix your DH being less than social it is easy to see why invitations might be less than forthcoming. I don't mean to be cruel and apologies in advance if you are offended by what I've said.

I think you are doing the best thing though, getting a little bit of time for yourself and the kids not being your sole focus in life might make you become less 'mummy' and reintroduce Mrs Bathsheba to the world. Only time will tell if this circle of friends will remain but hopefully new ones will come along too

BiscuitsAreMyDownfall · 17/11/2013 10:48

YANBU to be jealous of other people having a really good time without you. I feel the same as I never get invited either, but then again I have no friends anyway.

Mumof3xx · 17/11/2013 10:49

The majority of my friends ATM don't even have children
I rarely go out
If I do it's with oh
It can feel lonely but I also wouldn't wanna be going out and leaving my dc all the time so it doesn't bother me too much.
My dc will all be 18 by the time I am 43 and I'll do my going out then

Mumof3xx · 17/11/2013 10:50

And min is great for when your lonely

janey68 · 17/11/2013 10:51

That's a good idea to contact your childminder friend

I think finding a reliable local teenager is the way to go for evening babysits though.

You say you don't know any... Well, neither did we when we had our first baby and wanted occasional evenings out (neither of us has family within 100 miles) We had a wonderful cm for during my day time working hours, but tbh older teens are best for evening babysitting, because they really appreciate the money and also someone who is childminding during the day will probably be quite protective of their evening times

Why not put an advert out, ask around (do you have neighbours who have teenagers?) That's how we did it. I think when you don't have family around you just have to be proactive in sourcing forms of support, and not being afraid to pay for it. It's either that, or end up missing out on a social life and starting to feel resentful.

I appreciate its hard with a DH working away a lot too- but don't put your own life on hold. Be proactive, sort out support and you can do it.

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