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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the school was wrong to refuse to authorise absence

93 replies

GColdtimer · 15/11/2013 22:42

Next week will be the first anniversary of my friends death. His wife has applied for her son to have the day off so they can travel with their extended family to a place if importance to them. The head has sent back a standard letter saying they can only authorise absence in exceptional circumstances.And her request has been refused. AIBU in thinking the head was wrong? Not to mention incredibly insensitive? Surely this is pretty exceptional??

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/11/2013 13:14

samu2- so glad you didn't have to battle with the school on this and they used common sense and compassion

harticus · 16/11/2013 14:51

expecting the school to automatically authorise time off a year on from a traumatic event seems odd

No it isn't. It is normal and human - and humane.

It is not the place of Ofsted, schools, head teachers, LEAs, Michael fucking Gove or people on the internet to presume to tell people - especially bereaved children - what they should be doing, how they should be feeling and responding.

School is not the be all and end all.
It is just one element of a child's life.

harticus · 16/11/2013 14:56

SamU2 - Thank god some schools have got the sensitivity to handle things properly. All the best to you and your family.

PavlovtheCat · 16/11/2013 14:58

I would just take my child out anyway. Fucking ridiculous and clear lack of empathy.

PavlovtheCat · 16/11/2013 15:05

boney so what if it is an annual thing? This boy has lost his father, and if it is an annual event to get together and celebrate his father's life, mourn his death with his family every year, then he should go if he wishes, every single year. Education is important of course it is, but so is family. So is remembering, and being part of those remembering events. It's not like he is missing an exam.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/11/2013 15:49

If this was to become an annual thing I would be worried about the emotional wellbeing of the child, due to the gradual build up of emotion in the home in the days/weeks leading up to the event.

and yes I would also be concerned about the effect that this would have on the education of the child during the lead up.

As a school I would be worried about setting a precedent. Unfortunately for schools this isn't just about empathy or sympathy. Sometimes they have to think about the rules.

Original poster
GColdtimer · 16/11/2013 16:53

With all due respect boney it's not really for you to worry about the effect on the child if this were to become an annual thing. How are you to know that this one day of the year would not just be special and important and wouldn't have an adverse effect on the child. Perhaps this one day would be very important emotionally and not in the negative way you presume it would be. Why would you presume there is a big build up.

In response to your post I would say that I think the parent probably knows her child and their situation better than you (or the head, or the LEA, or Gove, or anyone else) and if she chooses to make it an annual thing one day a year it's hardly going to impact his education. Especially as it won't be an issue for the next two years as it will fall on a weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
GColdtimer · 16/11/2013 16:55

And Pavlov said all that better than me.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 16/11/2013 18:43

twofalls
As his teacher it would be part of my job to worry about the wellbeing of children in my care.

zeno · 16/11/2013 19:01

Boney, do you have direct experience of supporting a child bereaved of a parent?

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/11/2013 19:04

yes I have.

PavlovtheCat · 16/11/2013 19:07

boney wow. You think that one special day to celebrate and remember your father would be emotionally damaging? I would be more worried that you expect the very significant event to pass with no recognition, with no significant recognition. That day will always be a huge part of that boy's life.

WTAF? (I don't even say that very often)

zeno · 16/11/2013 19:16

Then you will know that among the many things the child needs you will not find a school that does not acknowledge, let alone support, the ongoing process of grieving.

mrsminiverscharlady · 16/11/2013 19:20

I would suggest your friend to write to Michael Gove himself and ask him if this was the kind of circumstance his new rules were supposed to address. I'd be very interested to know his response. If he said yes, the school are quite right, I would delight in getting his letter published in the press. If he said no, the school can allow this if they wanted to, then I would shove it up the school's metaphorical arse show the headteacher and see her backpedal like mad.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/11/2013 19:24

Pavlov

I haven't said that at all.

I have said that the build up to the day can be emotional.

For some children a day of remembrance for a loved one can be beneficial, for others it can be detrimental.
In some cases moving on with no recognition for the passing of a loved one can be bad.

I do not know the OP or her friend or her friend's son, I do not know their individual (parent's or child's) circumstances.
I couldn't tell you how the son has been (emotionally) for the last 12 months. Or what provision for his wellbeing has been put in place by the school or his parents.

What is best for each child is different depending upon the child.

I am going to step away as I don't want this to turn into a bunfight.

OP, I hope this works out for your friend and her son.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/11/2013 19:29

zeno

I have known children who have had support from before the bereavement (terminal illnesses) to leaving the school.

Goldmandra · 16/11/2013 21:47

What is best for each child is different depending upon the child.

The mother is best placed to make this judgement. Seeing as she's asking for just the one day off for a small family gathering to acknowledge the anniversary and the journey they have all been on over the past year, I think she's probably doing a pretty good job.

Original poster
GColdtimer · 17/11/2013 00:34

Goldmandra, you have summed it up perfectly. She has done an amazing job over the last year. We are incredibly proud of her. And I trust her judgement on this. If he needs the day off (the first since the day his father died) he needs the day off.

Writing to Gove is a very good idea.

OP posts:
Choosparp · 17/11/2013 23:20

Hello. I'm the person Twofalls is talking about. Really pleased to see so much support here, thank you all. My 39yo husband died from complications during a bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. He was in intensive care for 3.5 weeks before we switched off his life support. I was left with my older DS (then 7) and our youngest DS (then 7 months). We have had the crappest 12 months imaginable. Our world has been turned upside down, and then some. My James was a totally hands-on father, very involved with his boys. I have had to deal with the grief of losing my partner and soul mate, and my boys losing their beloved father. This response from the school HT has thrown me completely at a vulnerable time. I really appreciate that you are supoprting me in this. x

lisad123everybodydancenow · 17/11/2013 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Choosparp · 17/11/2013 23:29

And I would also ask whether those of you arguing against this are young widowed parents? In which case I would really like to chat, as I'm sure we have a lot to offer to each other. Please message me. x If not, maybe give my circumstances a second thought. x

NorthernLurker · 17/11/2013 23:34

Choosparp I wish you well taking this further with school and Governors. I am sure your husband would be incredibly proud of you all. I hope you can find some peace of heart next week.

Goldmandra · 17/11/2013 23:36

Choosparp, I'm so sorry to hear what a dreadful time you and your boys have had.

My godson lost his mother aged 10 and we all made sure he was allowed and helped to grieve in the way that worked best for him, alongside his father and younger brother. I would have been spitting feathers if his school had tried to obstruct an important part of the process for him.

You have every right to take your son out of school to remember his father and acknowledge the terrible loss you have shared as a family.

Let the school know that they can mark this as an unauthorised absence and you will be happy to inform the LA of the reasons behind it if they take it any further.

If they dare issue a fine I think you might find the power of massed MNers behind you, if you wanted it, and the LA the subject of a great deal of press scrutiny.

I hope the day goes as you have planned it and that it helps you all to come together as a family at what must be a very difficult time.

Thumbwitch · 17/11/2013 23:37

Dreadfully insensitive to just send out a standard letter refusing.
Choosparp - thanks for posting as well and so sorry for your loss - such a hard thing to have to deal with. I don't know if you're a regular poster on here but there is a Bereavement board on here as well if you need any further support - lots, sadly, of people with young children who have lost partners.

Can you maybe make an appointment to see the Head and see if they have any good reason (like their hands are tied by new regs) for denying the authorised absence? If not, just take him out of school anyway. Say he's ill - headache, sick stomach, no sleep - lying about it isn't ideal of course but it seems that the new regs are going to promote this sort of problem. :(

Hope you have a peaceful day of remembrance for your James. xx

Original poster
GColdtimer · 18/11/2013 13:05

Thanks thumbwitch, she isn't a regular but lurks occasionally. I mentioned the Bereavement board a way back but she has joined WAY and is finding it amazingly supportive.

One of us will definitely come back to update the thread when the HT has had chance to read her letter. Hopefully she will see sense and/or find her compassion.

I am sorry about your friend Goldmandra. I hope her DS has had all the support he needs.

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