To think it doesn't take 3 hours to get ready for a child's party?

[PulverEyes]

I've posted this in chat but nobody has answered and I'm really quite upset .

Basically, it is H's weekend to have the DC. DD1 has a party to go to this weekend, I told H about it a month ago and he said it was ok as long as my DM or I had DD2 while he took DD1 to the party. No problem.

He has just come to pick up the DC and told me he would be dropping DD2 off at 9am but the party isn't until 12. When I asked him why he needed 3 hours to get ready for the party, he said he had to go get the present and wrap it etc in the morning.

There's a lot more to this and usually I wouldn't mind but I have had an awful couple of weeks at work and I need the break not to mention that I have so much to do this weekend. He is refusing to take DD2 to my DM's instead which is on the way to town/where the party is.

So AIBU to expect him to not dump DD2 on me so he can spend three hours preparing for a child's party?

Mellow, I was tempted to say well I won't be here but it's not even worth the argument. And I don't know how dd will feel to be told she is coming home to find an empty house.

I have tried so hard to be amicable with him, even letting him come to a bonfire with us so he didn't miss out on it and I've said we can all spend Xmas morning together for the DC's sake. But I'm finding him increasingly unreasonable. I don't like the way he talks to me in front if the DC either. And I feel totally powerless to change it. I wouldn't even know where to start .

Pulver, you're right, I came to this conclusion because you mentioned she is being difficult and you wanted a break from her. But all the other comments from you refer to your H, so it seems he is the one who doesn't bother a lot with her.

She is probably picking up on this, and is behaving badly. Hope you can have a break at some point in the weekend and muster some patience and energy to try to help her.

Re your H, can't you just tell him you won't be home/available in the morning, and just go away? Don't get into an argument, just tell him "sorry, I have an appointment at that time so I can't have DD2. It's your weekend." Repeat that over and over and don't get dragged into an argument (easier said than done, I know).

"schroedingersdodo Fri 15-Nov-13 20:17:34
You are both so obviously trying to dump dd2 on the other"

Bollocks.

It's the DH's turn to have DD2 for access.

Why do people come onto threads just to kick people when they're down? The ex is being an arsehole, the OP isn't.

Just go out. There's not a lot he can do once you're out.

He's being a dick. How difficult is it to get to the post office to pick up a parcel, and shove it in a gift bag? It does seem like he can't be bothered with dd2.

I hadn't really considered that her behaviour is down to H's attitude. She's still quite young so it's hard to know how much she understands if what is going on. On the face of it, he's loving towards her etc. but if he can get out of having her, he will. Especially if it involves taking them
Both somewhere like shopping.

Her behaviour is nothing out of the ordinary for a two year old. She tantruming a lot and doing that toddler thing of I want it, no I don't, actually I do. And both DD's are fighting alllll the time. It's just tiring, especially on top of a stressful week at work where I've had to work late a lot.

That was my thought too Longdistance. It's something I've had to do many, many times before. It's not like I had any other option.

I'm wondering now how to treat future party invitstions that fall on his weekends. I tried to do the 'right' thing and give him the option to say she can't go or she can but I would have to take her or him and I'd have DD2. I think next time I will just say here is the invite, take her or don't but you can't rely on me. At some point I would like to use the weekends where I don't have the DC to do things for myself like maybe visiting my sister who is 4 hours away but I never will be able to if he has the power to control me like this.

It is pretty shit that you're going to have to make up for his shortfall, from the other things you've said he only likes to be the parent when its easy.
Just think, it doesn't matter if the painting doesn't get finished because am sure your DD2 will be more happy spending time with you than a painted bedroom or with someone who treats her as an inconvenience (your ex). House stuff can always wait, doesn't matter in the big scheme of things.
You do sound like you've got a lot on your plate. Hope you get to have some rest.

I think Schrodinger's suggestion of telling him you will be out is not a bad one - I would text and say that you definitely have to go out so he will need to drop her at your mum's. Don't answer the phone, don't reply to any angry texts (though do keep them for evidence). Make sure you are out in good time in the morning and leave him to it.

You're right that you will need a strategy. I would suggest Anne Dickson's books A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You, and also Difficult Conversations, and Manuel J Smith's When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

I would withdraw the Christmas Day offer now. It will not be nice for you, and I can well imagine he will act up just to show he can control your Christmas Day. He can do what he wants on his own time with the DC but don't let him invade your time and walk all over you in the hope that it will be better for the kids. It won't as they will just see you getting it in the neck and feel stressed all round.

It's so hard to know what to do. On the one hand, I don't want him to think he can do this all the time. On the other, I don't want him to have DD2 if he really doesn't want her.

Thinking about it, his visitations are getting shorter and shorter where he picks them up later and drops them off earlier. He also kicks off about me sending DD1 to him with her book bag so that he can help her with homework.

I really hoped we could go parent amicably and so much of the way I handle him is in an attempt to keep that going. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever be possible and the best I can do is just not get drawn into arguments. I think I may offer to start doing all drop offs and pick ups as he will linger in my house being an arse and provoking me into an argument.