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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You have to be very good so Mummy and Daddy don't split up"

68 replies

intothenever · 15/11/2013 15:47

This is what my sister told my 6 year old niece when explaining why some mummies and daddies no longer live together! She felt it was a good opportunity to point out that naughty children can put an intolerable strain on a marriage so dn needs to be good. I am horrified, this is wrong, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
intothenever · 15/11/2013 15:56

She is exceptionally bright and extremely successful. If she were not very bright it might be more excusable.

OP posts:
ksrwr · 15/11/2013 15:56

sorry, should have said, not that its ever the child's fault, but they do often feel guilty and suffer for it

qazxc · 15/11/2013 15:56

I have yet to meet a couple who have split up because of the naughtiness of their children, WTF is she on about?

Original poster
intothenever · 15/11/2013 15:58

Mum didn't say anything to her, but ran it by me in a 'what do you make of this' sort of way. It upset me so much I couldn't sleep!

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Parttimelover · 15/11/2013 15:59

What an awful and stupid concept to burden your kid with. Hope your mum told her that straight.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 16:00

I assume that she is very secure in her relationship, and thinks that it isn't a problem because the issue will never arise, but even if she's right about that (and she might not be!) it still puts intolerable pressure on her daughter, and gives her totally the wrong perspective on adult relationships.

Sadly, once said, I think it will be difficult to undo the damage that has been done.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 16:01

Your mum said nothing? Shock Why not?!

fluffyraggies · 15/11/2013 16:02

What what??

She said this to her own daughter??

Because she wants the child to behave??

I took it that she said it to a niece of yours and hers, IYSWIM.

Jengnr · 15/11/2013 16:02

Why the HELL would she even think that was a point to make to ANYONE, let alone a child.

It's horrendous.

Jinsei · 15/11/2013 16:02

Your mum said nothing? Shock Why not?!

qazxc · 15/11/2013 16:03

Is your mum going to have a word with her about it? If not maybe you should.

ocelot41 · 15/11/2013 16:04

What Dione said...parents are not the kid's responsibility!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/11/2013 16:04

"Sadly, once said, I think it will be difficult to undo the damage that has been done."

I disagree.

You could go back and tell the child it was just a silly thing that Mummy said and that it came out wrong.

I can't imagine any real harm was done by it.

Do children even listen that closely to what their parents are saying?

It becomes a problem if it is a repeated message she gets from her mother.

Original poster
intothenever · 15/11/2013 16:05

We are not a Family Who Talks About Things. Hence my mum said nothing. Also our own background was v dysfunctional so Mum felt odd about it but had to run it by me to see if it was wrong.

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FrauMoose · 15/11/2013 16:05

It seems astonishingly naive about the way relationships work. Parents who have similar ideas and values - as well as a good bond generally - will be able to work together to deal with all sorts of difficulties. My partner and I had some really tricky situations with one of the three children we have, in particular.

But I think those conversations made us realise how close we are, and how we try and resolve things together. Parents who can't work together and who have very different ideas about how to bring up children may end up feeling their whole relationship is fragile as a result of some totally trivial - and entirely normal - bit of childish behaviour.

edamsavestheday · 15/11/2013 16:06

She might well be exceptionally bright but she's also dumb as fuck. Clever people can be really stupid sometimes...

What a cruel, horrible thing to say to her poor dd. A six year old burdened with thinking she is responsible for her parents' marriage, ffs! And for thinking any of her friends whose parents separate or divorce are somehow to blame. Dreadful.

Parttimelover · 15/11/2013 16:07

Sorry x post.

That's a shame that your mum didn't take the opportunity to pull your sister up on that comment. But maybe one of you can say to your sister how upsetting this split-up idea could be to her daughter.

Your niece is also bound to have friends with separated parents as well. It could cause upset for them if your niece passed on her mum's cruel child-blaming idea.

Original poster
intothenever · 15/11/2013 16:07

I think the problem, edam, is that being told how clever she is all her life has made her think she knows fucking everything. But she doesn't understand people.

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PumpkinPie2013 · 15/11/2013 16:09

What an awful thing to say to a child Sad

Words fail me! Someone needs to tell your sister that what she said was completely wrong on so many levels!

edamsavestheday · 15/11/2013 16:12

Aha! I'm sure you are right. Shame she's not bright enough to realise that not being able to understand people is a fairly big hole in your ability to understand this world... more modesty might well be in order.

Did your parents also tell you you were exceptionally bright, or did your sister get all the attention, by any chance?

ChasedByBees · 15/11/2013 16:12

I thin it's actually abusive, not just wrong. Every argument, that child will be thinking they must behave better so mummy and daddy get on. Awful. Of have to say something, family that discuss things or not.

Mabelface · 15/11/2013 16:13

What a knobbish thing to say.

waltermittymissus · 15/11/2013 16:14

What a bitch!

Original poster
intothenever · 15/11/2013 16:15

Ha! I, sadly, did not get the brains. She really is insanely bright. As in, top of her year in every subject at a v academic school, skipped first year of her university course, scolarships etc.

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qazxc · 15/11/2013 16:15

Your niece is also bound to have friends with separated parents as well. It could cause upset for them if your niece passed on her mum's cruel child-blaming idea. your sister may prepare herself for awkward conversations at the school gates, because most 6 year old i know parrot everything back. And if my 6 year old came back upset because a kid at school said their mum said we had split up because they were naughty i would be Angry and having a word.