Wedding related- how much is too much to spend on a relatives wedding?

[GoddessofSuburbia]

Firstly, let me say that I have no expectations whatsoever that anyone should feel obliged to attend my wedding if they can't afford to do so/don't want to come. It would be lovely, and it would mean so much to us, especially DP, if they did, but I totally understand that it's their choice. I've also sort of posted about this before, and was warned, something like this might come up so we adjusted our plans in the hope that we'd lessen the chances.

DP is originally from the south, and all his family with the exception of a few aunts and cousins live there still. We now live in the north west, in the town that I'm from, about 250ish miles away. We pretty much need our wedding to be here, mostly because the only family I have apart from my DD's is my DGrandmother, who is very old, frail, and really can't travel. That being said, she's as bright as a button and virtually raised me. It's important to us both that she's one of our witnesses. Also, all our friends are from this area, and obviously want them to come.

The compromise we came up with was this: we would pay for hotel rooms for my DP's DM and her partner, his DF and his partner, and his DSis and her family for the Friday night before the wedding, and the Saturday night of the wedding. We'd also give each group £50 towards the cost of getting up here, which we thought reasonable given they'll all drive, and it only costs us £70ish for the return trip in our petrol guzzling excuse for a car.

In terms of costs to them, they'll only have to pay for clothes and food on Friday evening and Saturday lunchtime (breakfast will be included with the hotel). We are taking them all out to brunch on the Sunday, before they travel back home. We've also been very clear that we absolutely don't expect to receive any presents from them; both DP and I had fully equipped three bedroom houses which we needed to condense into one small house when we moved in together. We have more than enough stuff...

As was predicted, they are saying that they are going to find it hard to be able to afford to come, which has upset DP dreadfully. So, I guess my question is this: AIBU to expect close family members to pay less than ~£100 to attend the wedding of their son or brother? Especially when we're aware of the nightmare logistics of traveling to a wedding out of your local area and have done everything we can to make it as easy as possible?

Sorry it's so long, btw, I didn't want to drip feed...

YANBU because you are at least considering them! Which is more than some do

u have offered money towards their costs & said u don't want presents which is great. What else do they want you to do? I would ask them what else u can do to help, within reason and put the ball in their court

Good grief you have been more than fair - you are practically paying them to attend.

What is the matter with them? Is it just they CBA to travel or are they being deliberately difficult because the wedding is near your family not theirs (though it is traditional to get married from the bride's family home)? Your poor DP it must be very upsetting for him that his immediate family are such miserable skin-flints.

& I think I do think they Abu not to meet those very small costs. We've spent over a thousand pounds this yr on going to weddings. Every1 wanted cash or presents too and there was no offer of financial help

I think you have been very generous. Yanbu.

Yanbu, you and your dp have been so considerate. It's not a favour that they are doing by attending, they should want to attend!
I think the only solution to keep the peace and not make this worse is offer a bit more if you can? And then never go out of your way like this after. Some people really do take advantage.

YANBU. You have been incredibly considerate in paying for the majority of their costs - don't feel you need to pay any more, they are being deliberately mean. DP should call them up on it - as it looks like the only costs they will incur are £20 petrol, two meals at say £30 for both. Are they big drinkers or something which would bump up the cost?

The amount you are giving plus the brunch is very generous. Every weddding incurs costs for guests but it sounds as though they want a freebie. don't offer more cash. If they want to come then they will and if they don't then you will know where their priorities lie.

YANBU at all! I think you are being very generous actually.

We are going to a wedding next year, it is my husband's cousin who is getting married. We are paying £250 to stay the night plus money to put the dogs in kennels for 3 days. Added to that is transport, 2 cars as my DD is bridesmaid so I need to take her to cousins house first and logistically this is the easiest solution, meals out, bridesmaid attire, new clothes for us and a wedding present.

It is going to set us back a lot but it means a lot to the family that we are there.

It sounds like they are having a strop because the wedding isn't nearer to them.

YADNBU - in fact, I think you're being a little bit too nice in offering to pay for everything!

It's not inconsiderate to get married in the town where you live, and you're being incredibly considerate of peoples' finances by offering to pay for the additional cost of travelling but for some reason they're not willing to cover the standard cost of a wedding.

If my parents didn't want to pay to come to my wedding I'd be devastated - never mind refusing to come if I was covering the costs.

I think you have been more than fair.

Goodness i think you are being V reasonable OP!

I was reading your OP thinking - hmmm, if they cant afford it they cant afford it - but ... there's nothing for them to afford it seems (Apart from their time)

It must be costing you a fortune to pay for all these folk for 2 nights in a hotel, plus 3 x £50 petrol money.

Before we were married my DH's brother and his wife organised their wedding in Cyprus (no special reason - they just wanted it there) they said to everyone we understand that if you cant come you cant come - but we'd love you to be there. They didn't offer any travel expenses, and we struggle to find the money, but we (me, DH + my 3DDs) went.

I think they're being stingy.

(Cyprus wedding was amazing btw. All 23 thousand £ worth of it )

Thanks for the responses- it's good to know that other people think we're NBU. Is it worth adding in here that paying for them all is costing us more than the venue we're getting married at, ie it's more than 50% of our total costs? I guess if they don't come at least we'll save ourselves some money...

They've not mentioned the time or hassle it'll take to travel up here so far, but I have a horrible feeling they will if we offer to pay for everything. It really doesn't take all that long, about 4 hours, even on a Friday night. We know because we've done it several times... And even so, whilst I appreciate 4 hours in a car is difficult for people who aren't used to traveling, surely it's not so bad as a one off. What makes it worse is that DP's DM and DSis have fairly recently traveled to a funeral and another wedding that were held about 40 minutes away from here. Thankfully his DF (who is our second witness) has made it clear he has every intention of coming, and thinks, and I quote "they bloody should do as well!"

The only thing we can really think of is that his Dsis is pissed off we haven't asked her children to be bridesmaids, and so is basically having a hissy fit. But with four children of our own, we don't really want anymore!

You are being more than fair. I'm scottish and married my English dh in Scotland. We didn't pay a penny toward any of his family or our English friends flights/travel etc although I did get a large hotel discount for them.

In fairness, though, dh's close family could easily afford the trip - had they not been able to we eoukd have contributed to try to ensure they could attend.

I would have thought most people could save less than £100 to attend their child's wedding . Yanbu.

You are being more than fair. What do they expect you to do ?

fluffyraggies 23 grand???? Oh my. Oh my indeed.... I should jolly well hope it was amazing! Ours isn't costing anything like that much!

X post. "Hissy fit" might be more of an explanation!

They are grown adults... They don't need everything paid for them unless they are poverty stricken!!

Ignore ignore ignore.... Sounds like a stroppy fit to me tbh!

YANBU.

WaitMonkey, we think they want us to change our plans to get married close to them. His DM has implied that given we live so far away, getting married near them in their family church is the least we could do. I should point out we aren't Christian, btw, and our marriage ceremony will be in accordance with our religion.

The thing that makes me really sad for DP is that in the three years he's lived here, they haven't visited us once. We' on the other hand, visit them at least every couple of months, usually more often. I think I'm starting to see a pattern emerging here...

Well, i think you should stick to your guns OP. My XH's parents were the type that expected the world to revolve around them - everyone arranging things close to them etc. We only lived 10 mins walk from them and had to be the ones to go to them every time. (they came to us twice in 9 years - not for the lack of invites)

Yes - it was a fab. wedding in Cyprus. Guests all coached from the hotel of their choice to the tiny histoirical chapel for the ceremony - then coached to the reception, which was like something out of a James Bond movie - whole hotel and water front/marina decked out in thick ropes of fresh bougainvillea and white linen chairs and tables (those lovely bright pink flowers) with about a million waiters and waitresses, and sit down meal for 200 guests at sun-set, right by the sea. Little boats bobbing about - perfumed air - dancing on the beach - lovely.

(but there again - it was about £22.5k more than we spent on our wedding )