Mil and christmas presents, aibu?

[Vix1980]

Yes this is my 1st world problem at the moment! in all seriousness i know its stupid but the woman drives me mad as it is always trying to be in charge, always having to visit her on a sunday afternoon before her and fil go to the pub. but as i dont expect any advice, please let me have a little rant here, as if i rant again in rl im sure people will start ignoring me!

So ds is 17 months, his 1st christmas i mentioned to mil how i was planning on buying him a walker, just casually in conversation, she says she will buy him clothes etc.

2 days later she rings dp up to say shes bought him a walker. this ensued lots of arguements about how it was our present for our first child for his first christmas and knowing we were buying 1 she went and got it anyway.

Then his birthday comes, she asks what we were getting him - stupidly i hadnt learnt my lesson so i said a ride along toy thing, same thing happened again and she bought a cheap thing that lasted 2 weeks before a wheel fell off.

So for christmas when she was asking what to get i said i was buying him clothes and some little converse (total lie). she says ok, secretly i think haha she will get clothes and i will get the little keyboard toy i had seen. all was good except dp went and bleedin told her that id ordered a keyboard toy, so she rings last night to say shes bought one and for us not to bother. If we tell her to send it back theres drama, tears and threats of how we dont appreciate her ( i couldnt give a flying one what she says, but for some reason dp still loves her ). Ive told him to tell her, whether he does or not is a different matter.

Now some may find this helpful and think of her trying to save us the expense, its not. Its her way of trying to be in the centre of attenion, does it constantly, did it when he was first born, caused us more problems than i care to repeat (my other threads are still there to read through if you have a spare few hours.).

Shes really getting me down though in all seriousness, the presents are nothing, compared to her constant neediness and desperation. How do you get through to someone who wont listen, or aibu for letting it get to me, well prepared to be told i am. Ill just keep my mouth shut to her in future

You've ordered a keyboard already, so when she presents him the one she bought say "Oh lovely, now ds yuo have one to live at Nany's as well" same as other duplicates.

I can understand saying that if it was a mistake, oh look you have another 1 now, but the fact shes done it on purpose i just dont understand why she does it?

She asked what to get him, i gave her a few choices of things he'd like or needed, she chose shoes. Now im going to have to buy him shoes too!

She sounds unhinged! Either she is doing it deliberately to undermine you or (to give her the benefit of the doubt) she is so emotionally and psychologically enmeshed with her son that she feels she and you /him are the "same" thing; if you say you're getting DS toy x, it doesn't matter if she gets it as you are all one unit.

Your DH needs to set some firm boundaries.

If dp cannot be trusted start not telling him the important presents till it's too late brought/paid for and the receipt lost.

Start once a month having plans on a Sunday morning sorry can't be changed really got to happen even if its you a friend and their child dp can still go to mummies if he wants too, build it up till it becomes you deciding when you will go.

Ignore tantrums you wouldn't put up with them from your child so don't from mil, try explaining it to dp like that as well. Act like a toddler get treated like one.

Where do your parents fit in if you see the inlaws every Sunday?

This sounds bloody annoying, Vix. You're going to need to tackle this directly - tell her not to buy something if you've already said you're going to get it - or at least ensure that in future dp doesn't let her know your present ideas. I'd be tempted, as ImAlpharius said, to say the keyboard she bought will have to stay at her house, as you've already bought one. As to how to get through to someone who never listens - God, I wish I knew, as my mil is exactly like that - not over presents, but loads of other issues - & it causes endless frustration.

YANBU-no suggestions though as I have a mil that just seems to completely ignore what I say and do what she decides anyway. Next time don't even tell DH what you're planning to buy!

Sounds like she's a bit daft in the head!

You will have to not tell DP next time either. Why did she do it again when she knew it upset you last time?

Just make sure DP tells her you are not taking yours back - can he tell her really nicely that what you both would really appreciate would be if she got ds clothes? THen she would get more attention in a good way!

Consider if it is just that she wants to buy him the "best" present (in which case I would say, let her, actually) or does she get off on the friction she is causing, in which case you need to think about how you deal with it very carefully.

"Constant neediness and desperation" she sounds very unhappy and that must be hard for your DH.

you seem to have a problem with your DP too. Why did he tell her?

Ask her directly why she keeps doing it.

That would drive me insane. You need to call her out on it!

When she asks you what you are getting, say its a surprise, or you haven't decided. If she asks why she should buy, tell her to buy whatever she'd like to.
Then she can't copy cat you, or out shop you.
This is your life, you have to set your own boundaries, no one else can do it for you.

I am going to ask her why she does it, any money she doesnt even remember doing it last year and for his birthday. For example his birthday was in the summer, we were getting the garden done, she announced how she was going to buy him a massive slide and a swing (big presents like that we were always bought by our own parents not anybody else, dont know if everyone is the same but thats how i think we should buy presents for our children, the main 1 from us and little things if need be from everyone else). She hates this though and has to constantly buy the best main present as somebody saw through and pointed out.

I gave up seeing her on sundays as i dont want my whole weekend to be dictated by her, dp takes him for an hour at the most. My own parents are seperated but are both now retired so i see them occassionally through the week, they're very laid back though so if i were to be busy on a day i should be visiting they both wouldnt mind.

If the same hapens for mil she expects to see him 1 evening through the week. Ive had this row with dp for ages now, he cant see how unfair it is for our weekends to be ruined by her at her set times, so we agreed that he would take ds round for tea 1 evening. and have our weekends free. It didnt work as now she thinks she has 2 visits per week.

Constant attention grabbing.