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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to get married if...

15 replies

GuernseyTeddy · 13/11/2013 20:31

......I can't have a 'non-wedding'??

Basically DP and I got engaged in March when I was 4 months pregnant. We now have a three month old son and money is very right. I won't be returning to work etc.

I'm not interested in saving for a wedding when we need so much other stuff...house DIY, family holidays in the years ahead, things for our DS. Therefore I just want to get married without having much of a wedding...local registry office, no special clothes, or any celebration. I don't want any type of 'wedding' to compare to what I would have chosen had we had the money.

DP thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and thinks we should have small celebration for us...at least new dress for me, flowers, small mini break etc.

AIBU???

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 13/11/2013 20:34

YABU because the wedding doesn't matter. Have flowers, don't have flowers, do what you both want.

Provided what you both want is to be married.

Do you?

BillyBanter · 13/11/2013 20:34

Well even if you were not getting married you might want a mini-break at some point or a new dress or flowers.

you can have as much or as little wedding as you like but you both need to be happy with your decision so maybe a little compromise is in order.

Chunkamatic · 13/11/2013 20:34

YANBU but it is also his wedding/marriage so sounds like you need to both find a happy compromise. Which should stand you in good stead for the years ahead!

bundaberg · 13/11/2013 20:35

yanbu in wanting what you want.

yabu if you expect dp to do it just becasue it's what you want.

it's HIS day too.

HarryHamster · 13/11/2013 20:35

I've been with DP for 19 years and we have children together.
I would quite happily get married tomorrow if we could just go to the registry office with our DC, two witnesses and wearing our ordinary daytime clothes.
He would like to get married at the registry office with our DC, our parents and two witnesses and go and have a meal with everyone afterwards and make an effort with our clothing.
We don't talk about getting married these days as we both would like our own ceremonies.

BillyBanter · 13/11/2013 20:37

Harry maybe you could both do the registry bit then he could go have a meal with everyone in his nice new clothes?

BillyBanter · 13/11/2013 20:37

While you go home and watch telly.

EdithWeston · 13/11/2013 20:38

New clothes and a mini break sounds pretty good, actually.

Wedding dress, flowers, oh and just this as well, does all sound a bit like the start of a slippery slope.

Original poster

GuernseyTeddy · 13/11/2013 20:42

Ha ha! I love the idea of sending him off on his own while I go home and watch telly.

I do want to be married, I just don't want to be disappointed in not having a wedding that I wouldn't want. I'm the type of person who if they can't afford good quality clothes would rather not have any, than buy cheap equivalents in Primark etc. We can't afford a nice wedding, so I just want to get married without having a 'wedding' at all if that makes sense??!

OP posts:

runningonwillpower · 13/11/2013 20:42

I can see both points of view.

A wedding doesn't have to cost a bundle to be meaningful. Quite the opposite, many people seem to lose sight of the real meaning of marriage to stage an event.

On the other hand, it is a very big and solemn commitment and the occasion deserves to be treated as special.

I'm kind of on the side of your DP. You don't have to go daft with the expense but you should treat it as a special occasion. Because it is.

Congrats to you both.

Anchoress · 13/11/2013 20:42

We had more or less what you describe last year - we both wore jeans (though I did wear a flower in my hair) and got married on our lunch breaks with two friends as witnesses in case no one could be found among the local registry office staff. No photographs, no fuss, though we did take our witnesses to lunch afterwards. I know what month it was, but couldn't tell you the date. It was lovely, ordinary, rather romantic in a quiet way, and our baby was born shortly afterwards.

I suspect my OH would have liked a party, but I was adamant that these were the only circumstances under which I would marry him.

JollySeriousGiant · 13/11/2013 20:44

We got married but didn't have a wedding. We wrote our own vows which was lovely and had a meal with 9mo DS and our two witnesses.

WooWooOwl · 13/11/2013 21:15

YANBU, but neither is your DP. There isn't a right or wrong here.

If you want to be married, then there has to be a compromise. I think weddings were invented to teach married couples the art of compromise!

A small celebration only has to include going out for a meal afterwards, even if it's just the three of you. Do you really just want to pop down to the registry office in your jeans and then go straight home for a cup of tea?

BerstieSpotts · 13/11/2013 21:46

Yes OP I know what you mean. You want to celebrate properly or not at all.

However I think his suggestion is nice - it's not going to be a party that you'll look back and think "I wish I could have done it properly" but something different, not a wedding, but a nice dress you can wear again (and has a bit of sentimental value as "the dress I got married in") and then a nice meal out or a few drinks to celebrate as a private thing.

I think I'd want to put a bit of time between that and going away though rather than associating something with a "honeymoon we should have had" when it wasn't. Perhaps save up for a family holiday, though.

Joysmum · 13/11/2013 21:56

It needs to a compromise.

I got married in a church because my hubby really wanted this despite fully appreciating that I'm not religious. I still wish we hadn't but because it meant a lot to him then it was worth the compromise.

I did put my foot down re christening our daughter though. He could do it if he wanted but I wouldn't stand up in church making a promise to bring her up as a Christian as I wouldn't be. He was happy to let daughter decide for herself when she got old enough to.

Relationships are all about compromise, is not just the wedding that requires that. You won't always agree on everything so finding the middle ground is an essential. If you can't do for your wedding day then how successful will the rest of your lives together.

I hope you can work it out.

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