To tell DP's ex he can't have DSD for christmas?

[matt8219]

DP and I have been together just under a year, and for most of that time have had sole custody of DSD, DP's adopted daughter with her ex. DSD is now almost 9, DP became sole carer just over a year ago due to her ex's circumstances at the time. Her ex now claims to be back on his feet and has been pressing for more and more custody, though there have been issues with this due to him living several hours away. DP has suffered from health issues in the past year which are being addressed, her ex has tried to claim in the past these make DP unfit to look after DSD. These claims have been dismissed.

DP's ex is now talking about what is going to happen for Christmas this year. He has celebrated Christmas in the past, though is half from a non-Christian background. DSD is also of mixed ethnic and religious background, one being the same as ex's, but has celebrated Christmas in the past post adoption. DP's ex is now claiming that DSD should not be celebrating Christmas and wants custody of her between Christmas and New Year. He has already had her for Eid this year and there were concerns when she was returned that he was unfit to be looking after her, unfortunately due to little evidence nothing has been done about these.

AWBU to say no to this?

I think your DP needs to say no.

Do you have legal custody of your DSD? Or is it your DP who has custody?

So he wants to have her to ensure she's NOT celebrating Christmas, rather than to have a nice Christmas celebration with her himself.

Your DP needs to tell him no. That is not in their daughter's best interests.

Erm, did you say you have been together less than a year? Not sure it's up to you one way or the other.

I don't agree with that if he is parenting on a daily basis. My stepdad certainly would have had a say if my arsehole father had reappeared.

I don't have legal custody at the moment, but have been living with DSD for the last 10 months. DP has had two mental health episodes in the past year and so I've taken on an active role in looking after DSD. DSD's dad has never been happy about this. Given he has celebrated Christmas in previous years DP is convinced he is only claiming he doesn't want her celebrating Christmas because he thinks it's a stronger case than just wanting her for Christmas.

Well if he doesn't like it, he'll have to apply to the Court and I'd say he's too late to do that and get it heard in time for Christmas.

Does your DP have a residence order? Does the DSD spend time with her father at all?

What does DSD want to do? I think you need to let her decide to some extent. If she would rather spend Christmas with you guys, celebrating it, could she talk to her Dad (if she has a decent relationship with him)? Otherwise she is becoming a bit of a pawn in all this.

What about DSD? What does she want?

This is between the 3 of them, you need to step back.