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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask them to pay her in vouchers?

24 replies

wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 17:17

Am at my wit's end with dd15s appalling eating habits.

She won't eat meals. She leaves the house without breakfast even though there is a choice of things she could have - cereals, toast,fruit etc. She only likes crap like Cookie Crisp and Nutella on toast which I don't mind buying for treats but not for every day. We have things like Fruit and Fibre, I buy white bread for her alone as she likes it, honey, jam, butter. We make her a packed lunch every day and she is allowed lunch money to go out with once a week, we prefer not to give it to her every day as she just buys more crap with it like chips, cans of Coke, etc. For dinner I try my best to make her meals she likes but as that basically extends to either really expensive food like Marks and Spencers ready meals that she gets at my mum's for treats or not hugely healthy stuff like nachos, tacos, fajitas. I do try to cater to her tastes but she pretty much rejects all that I offer up - stir fries, omelettes, pasta, pizza - I've even asked her to create a Pinterest board with ideas for food that she would like but whatever I try to make she just says she doesn't like the way I make it. Every meal time is a battle of her just rudely sitting there refusing to eat.

She is not overweight but is getting there, and is constantly bad tempered, tired and grumpy. I don't keep much in the house in the way of crisps and biscuits, though there is plenty to snack on. I buy things like mini cheddars, hula hoops, cereal bars, etc for snacks to take to school but have to hide them as otherwise she eats them all and there's none left for school. I always put out a piece of fruit for her too to take to school but often find it in her bin.

I'm not stupid, I do know that teenagers like to eat junk food. We're pretty relaxed at the weekend and I often give her and her sister money to go and get a Subway and a treat or get us all crisps and snacks for a Saturday night.

She gets a weekly allowance which we encourage her to save. We've told her that she and her sister of 12 are old enough this year to save up enough to buy all the members of the household a small gift and that we will match whatever they save. DD12 has thrown herself into this and has already bought one gift but DD15 is not interested and I think she's probably betting that we will bail her out.

Anyway she spends all of her weekly allowance on junk food which she buys on a Saturday, sits in her room, and eats. I don't like it but it's once a week so I let it go. However, she's now secured a babysitting job with a relative who pays her £10 weekly to look after her dcs. She's good at it, and we were pleased that she was earning her own money. However she has now taken to going to the shop every day after school and buying crap. 5 packs of cookies, crisps, etc. She then takes them back to her room, eats them and refuses to even pretend to eat dinner.

I know the relative well enough to ask if they would pay her in vouchers instead such as Amazon vouchers so she can't do this. Of course, she doesn't need to do the baby sitting any more so is under no obligation to accept. I know I will probably be accused of being controlling but I am so worried about her eating habits!

I know it is her money to earn and I have no right to say what she spends it on, but I also want her to eat properly!

Please no flaming or insults, but please post if you have advice or think I could be doing something differently or better. I am after constructive suggestions and aware that there is probably a lot I could be doing that I haven't thought of.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2013 17:29

Do you think she could be depressed? I was similar at her age but was made to eat dinner as I was shit scared of my dad and, looking back, that was the underlying problem.

Is there anything else in her life that could be getting her down? Does she socialise? Is there anything that she is particularly interested in that you could encourage her to do to reduce the amount of time she has to eat?

supermariossister · 13/11/2013 17:36

I can see why you are worried but she might just stop doing it, or buy from amazon as they do sell things like that. does she have many friends to socialise with. You sound like you are trying to help the pinterest board is a good idea if she will take it on board.

Callani · 13/11/2013 17:46

I don't know what to suggest re: the vouchers but at her age, my Mum expected me to make a family meal one night a week.

She'd help me choose what to make (and had rules re: vegetables!) and would ensure the ingredients got put on the weekly shop and it really gave me an appreciation of what went into making a meal for a family.

Sometimes I failed ATROCIOUSLY but everyone suffered in silence ate it appreciatively and it gave me a healthier relationship with food - maybe that would work?

wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 18:13

thanks all. I have asked her to prepare a meal before and she was enthusiastic initially but when it came to it she couldn't be bothered. Going to ask her to help me plan next week's menu...

OP posts:
wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 18:14

also, yes I think she is a bit depressed. She struggles with friendships at school. She does have hobbies that we take her to and encourage but doesn't seem to help with the eating....

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 13/11/2013 18:20

Erm....nachos, tacos and fajitad are equally as healthy as pizza and pasta.

How old is she

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 13/11/2013 18:22

Oops just seen, 15.

Tbh I think you are making food a Really Big Issue. Stop having crap.in the house. If she wants to spend her allowance on junk, so be it. If you arent happy with how she spends her allowance tgen dont give her one.

It would be VU to tell her employer how to pay her and what she could spend her wage on. Way to inspire a work ethic!

ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2013 18:23

Would there be any benefit in suggesting counselling?

Or how about a cookery course that she could do outside of school?

wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 18:27

Mortified, we don't have crap in the house, that's the point...
Like the idea of a cookery course, ohfour.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2013 18:32

Might be a good way of her getting out and meeting people......

Actually, if you don't have any crap in the house could that be (sort of iyswim) part of the problem? Is there any not-so-bad crap that she likes to eat? Low fat/baked crisps? Nuts? It might dissuade her from going to the shops/buying so much if she knows that she has a stash at home? (It might also limit the amount if you are in control of how much there is available in the house)

SecretNutellaFix · 13/11/2013 18:34

You say she has difficulties with friendships at school?

Is she being actively bullied? Is she the sort of girl to talk to you if it was lots of low level psychological harassment, or is she very private about what is happening in her life?

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 13/11/2013 18:42

Nutella on wholemeal toast is a healthy breakfast imo

Chopchopbusybusy · 13/11/2013 18:46

I'd try relaxing the rules a bit. I'd buy the cookie crisp cereal and the Nutella. Jam and honey are not really much healthier than Nutella.
Tacos and fajitas could be OK. Loads of chilli and salad for taco fillings. Chicken and or vegetable fillings for the fajitas. Both healthier than pizza!

wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 18:48

She isn't being bullied. We talk about it a lot. Just that her friends are often not very nice to her, make arrangements to do things without her and stuff or tease her. Then the next day they're really nice to her and she's all happy. Just not very nice friends, and we have talked about the fact that friendships at her age aren't like they are in a Jacqueline Wilson novel or ICarly and that girls can be horrid at her age and that she may make her life long friends later on in life, at uni, etc.
I have tried to do the low fat crisps/nuts thing but I still have to hide them and dole them out or she will just eat them when I'm not looking.
Ilovegeorgeclooney - Really re nutella? Not being sarcastic, is it honestly not as bad as I think?

OP posts:
Spaulding · 13/11/2013 18:50

I think you're making food into a huge deal. All I ate that age was crap too. I've never been a big meal eater but at 15 could quite happily stuff myself silly with crisps and cakes. I never ate breakfast either. And I was a rake. It's only since becoming older than I eat a much slightly better, varied diet, eating things I would have turned my nose up at as a teenager. It must be off-putting for her than you're making such a massive deal about eating healthy. It's better she had a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal than nothing at all.

ConferencePear · 13/11/2013 18:50

Would you be able to persuade her to cook a meal that she likes once a week. She may have some good ideas.

Branleuse · 13/11/2013 18:52

at least buy her the cereal and toast toppings she likes. I think you are trying to control all her eating too much and need to chill out on food a bit.

Im sure I went to the chip shop most days at secondary school and had curry sauce and chips. I wouldnt do it now.
Teenagers often have big appetites, and hormones all over the place make you want carbs.

Artandco · 13/11/2013 18:54

What's unhealthy about fajitas? Ours yesterday were: wholemeal wrap, sour cream, chicken, tomatoes, pepper, red onion, chilli and spinach. Sounds ok to me

MoominMammasHandbag · 13/11/2013 19:06

I would say she was being bullied, poor thing, no wonder she is feeling sad. Her self esteem is taking a real battering from her so called friends. I don't think you should be telling her that's just the way life is and she has to suck it up. She needs to start valuing herself and get better friends. It might lead to her valuing her body more, and eating better.

wishshewouldeatmorefruit · 13/11/2013 19:12

I'm not telling her to suck it up. I'm telling her I understand, and that sometimes friendships in real life aren't the way they are portrayed on TV and how she wishes they could be.
OK, I will try to relax a bit about food. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
blueemerald · 13/11/2013 19:19

I think she needs to be told she is worth being treated well by her friends all the time or she should ditch them. I'm still friends with 10 or so of my friends from when I was 14 (we're now 27/28) and never had any of the type of behaviour you describe. I would be worrying about how her self esteem is being set up for future romantic relationships.

If the self esteem starts improve the eating, I suspect it's comfort eating, may slow down.

MoominMammasHandbag · 13/11/2013 19:48

OP, these girls are rubbish friends. It really is not normal for friends to behave like that. My own daughters have swiftly phased out anyone who tried to treat them like that. I certainly wouldn't tell them, "Well that's how friendship is, it's not like on the telly". I would tell them to kick the rubbish ones to the kerb.

UptheChimney · 13/11/2013 19:56

we don't have crap in the house, that's the point

But you do: I call "mini cheddars, hula hoops, cereal bars" junk. And this:

I often give her and her sister money to go and get a Subway and a treat or get us all crisps and snacks for a Saturday night

Sorry. Look at the sugar and fat contrent of cereal bars, for example! And HUla Hoops are e Numbers and empty carbs.

And nachos, tacos, fajitas can be VERY healthy. Millions of very poor people live on them: cut out too much cheese in them, and focus on beans, rice, with lots of vegetables. Try proper Mexican street food, and you'll see how healthy it can be. Of course, if you make Mexican dishes out of bottled crap from the supermarket with too much rich cheese, then it's not.

DifferenceEngine · 13/11/2013 20:10

I think it is about control, her friends are controlling the relationship, you - for nice reasons are trying to impose heathy eating. All she wants is a bit of contro. She can control the buying of shite food, even better, you hate it, so she does it.

I remember feeling like that. My mum is all lo- fat shite, and frankly it just made me want a chip butty. I'm not saying you are like that op, but I can kind of empathise with her.

I agree with the others who say get on her side re friends, teach her how empowering a cull of feckless losers can be. Real,life friends ain't like teenage fiction, but they sure as hell aren't that crap either. She is being bullied by them. Tell her from me they are a bunch of selfish tossers and she is worth so much more :)

You are doing the righ thing with menu planning, I think tht will low her to regain the control. I'd keep schtum about the junk buying, if you treat it with indifference it may well lose its attraction, and she will resent spending money on it, when she could be doing something more fun, or buying music or clother or something.

Lastly ( sorry it's epic, but your dd's behaviour really resonated with my teenage self) I'd cook het healthy versions of the junk, as others say, nachos and fajitas can be dead healthy. Cook healthy ish versions of her choices.

If it helps, I never did get overweight, went away to uni and made better, lifelong friends, and now have amBMI around 25, exercise most dys, because I enjoy it and love cooking healthy versions of Mexican ' junk foods'

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