Christmas and how to deal with my Mum The Grinch. EPIC POST.

[DorcasLane]

Arghhhhhhh, am pulling my hair out with my Mum. I asked her earlier what she was planning to do at Christmas and now I wish I had stabbed myself in the eye with a rusty fork.
I absolutely love Christmas and having been skint for a few years know that you can have a good time and not spend a fortune on pointless crap, you also know you don't need to bust your ass cooking cooking cooking. I have been trying stealthily to drip fed that message to my Mum without being patronising or bullish but she seems intent on having her way but not actually being happy about it.
She is determined to give each of her grandkids £200 each (she has 3, 2 are mine and 1 my sister's) We have both said this is too much and they don't need it and she can't afford it. She then goes into this huge dramatic huff saying it's the last time she can do it and she wants to give them all the same and the grown ups are having anything and she tries and tries and tries....blah blah blah. Then she goes on and on about everyone expecting so much when they absolutely don't, no one asks her for a thing or asks her to do anything in fact we all offer to host and cook and she just rants on about how she wants to stay at home and paper the bedrooms o_O!!! She reckons she doesn't want to put the decorations up because it's too much hassle. My poor Dad gets it in the neck for everything.

I know this is just a symptom of a wider more serious issue, possibly depression but in the short term I just need advice on how to handle the next couple of months. It's a huge struggle getting her to talk without her being massively defensive and it getting out of hand.
My siblings both live far away and I have to deal with this stuff all the time, walking on eggshells, being up all the time, indulging her moods. Frankly I'd like to tell her to shut the hell up and stay at home with my lovely family having the best time. I am so lucky to have the best husband and children. My husband works long long hours and for the first time in years we have a bit of cash to have some fun. I am tempted to just to tell her to do what she wants and not mention it again, stay at home myself and eat the biggest box of chocs.
What would you do?

You have given her the option. Make sure she knows the invite will remain open.

Then do what you want and have a lovely Christmas. At any hint of 'ooooh woe is me, no one wants to see me at Christmas' just tell her she still has an invite to yours.

Once that is established just don't mention it to her again - until next year.

She sounds exasperating.

Refuse to accept more than £50 per DC, tell her very firmly that you're doing Xmas at home this year and invite as many people as you want to. Up to her whether she shows up. Don't give her an audience, ammunition, or any response for her tantrums.

It sounds very draining - I really feel for you .

Why won't you accept money for dcs?

Regarding Christmas day just let her take it or leave it if she decides not to join you all that's her decision. It's not like she hasn't been invited. It's too much stress to pander to her whims. I know she's your mum but like you said you love Christmas so don't let her spoil it.

And make sure you keep your Dad in the loop so he doesn't think you aren't bothered - he could probably do with the support.

Have you never had Christmas just you, your dp and children ? If not it's about time you did.

Ring her up and say that as she finds it all such a struggle you will be staying at home this Christmas. She and your dad are welcome to come for Christmas Dinner at 2pm.

Dont give her any options. I dont see why you have gone along with her histronics. You clearly dont enjoy Christmas there and they dont particularly seem to like hosting it so it's a lose lose situation.

Can you ask your dad for advice?

Regarding the money - do you mean she wants to spend £200 on tat presents or does she give you the cash - if she gives you cash why don't you put it in a savings account for the children?

I know it's easier said than done but you have to try to detach yourself emotionally from her, let her know she is welcome to join you on the day for lunch and then just try and avoid being with her during the run up to Christmas, if that is possible.

Thank you so much this is all great advice.
Regarding the money she wants to give/ spend £200 on each child. I don't really have a problem with that in theory but I know she can't afford it (she has spent years buying things on credit etc and is finally clear of debt) but I also know she will make a meal out of going shopping trying to find things to buy getting stressed and then just give us that cash anyway. I'm not bothered either way, I think it's too much but will accept it and bank it. It's just another episode of drama which can be avoided if she just chose to be relaxed and have fun which is what we try to encourage her to do.
I will try to talk to my Dad but therein lies a possible explosive situation of she found out, she would take it as us going behind her back, will think on that.
I think inviting her round then not mentioning it again is the best option and we'll see what happens. I am just exhausted dealing with her and need a break I guess, ( also just to say she is fantastic with the children in all ways, a real good fun generous Nan who they all love to bits).

What does your dad say about the money, is he in agreement about giving the DGC that amount each and can they afford it? Does he want to come to you for Christmas?

Trifle, just thought about it and have only ever had one Christmas with just the 4 of us, in 13 years. Time to lock the doors and crack open the Quality Street.

girlywhirly.... my Dad is pretty easy, he'd be happy doing whatever which I think drives her mad because he is non committal but he just has to edge his bets all the time trying to second guess what mood she is in and what she is likely to want to do. He is in the worse position than all of us really poor sod.

Trifle's advice is very very good.

Be clear on your plans, don't pander to her and her moods she is a grown woman and needs to sort her problems out, they are not your problems. I know she is your mum but your are mum yourself, give the kids the christmas you want them to have!!!

I find setting things out on the table in a nice non challenging but arsertive way is the best way forward for everyone. Don't worry about upsetting people, they will come round and all you've done is be honest and kind but refusing to be a push over.

Decorate your house, play your fav xmas songs, watch Rudolph with the kids and eat and drink it's christmas!!!

Have a good one.

x

I am honestly so grateful for all the replies. It has really helped me a lot. I was beginning to get incredibly stressed and worried. I know this isn't earth shattering stuff but, well you know. Thanks.

Could you send her an email with links to toys etc saying "this is the Christmas present X is desperate for - has been talking about it all year as various school friends also have it, very envious". Make sure it is within the realms of what you think your mother should sensibly spend (ie less than the £200 pp she is proposing) and brief your children to make a colossal fuss on the day? That way, she is the heroine of the hour, you have cut her spending to a sensible level and everyone is happy?

On a separate note, it's all about her, isn't it?! Isn't this what the relationship posters refer to as narcissistic ?!! Phew, sounds utterly exhausting.

My mums a Christmas Grinch too. She lives a plane journey away and last year spent Christmas day on her own because she didn't want to leave the dog. She will spend the next month moaning about how much she hates Christmas and what a hassle everything is. I just leave her to her moaning now.

I think you could take the money and get the DC presents from your parents with some of it, hanging on to the rest in case of financial emergency of your mums!

I understand that your dad may find being non-committal and easy going the most simple way of coping, but I think she might have an undiagnosed mental disorder which is being masked as her just being miserable and a drama queen. From what you originally posted there are signs of anxiety as well as depression. I think dealing with this issue should be kept separate from Christmas.

In the short term, I think making your own plans for Christmas at home with DH and DC is a good idea, and invite the DP's, leaving them to decide whether to come or not.