To leave it up to DH to make Xmas arrangements with his own parents?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Background is that every year for ages now, the "Xmas conversation" with the ILs (whom I usually get on well with) has been a difficult one. For the first 11 years of our relationship me and DH and the DC as they arrived, spent Xmas day at the PIL's house. PIL had always been the ones to "do Xmas" and did not want anything to change. Our DC are the only grandchildren. We became increasingly keen to do Xmas at home for our DC and eventually we put our feet down and said we were staying at home, they were welcome to come to us. We have spent the last two Xmases on the run at home now, one the ILs came to and one they didn't (their choice) and me, DH and DC love being at home at Xmas now.

This is a brief account (have posted about this on MN every Oct/Nov/Dec since about 2008!) that misses out a lot of frosty silences, "hurt feelings" and general emotional blackmail on the part of the ILs, mainly MIL and SIL to be fair to FIL. Every year from October onwards I have got stressed having awkward conversations with MIL and constantly nagging DH to phone his parents and "get things sorted". DH always agrees with me re Xmas but doesn't want to have any "difficult" chats with his parents.

I have decided to do things differently this year. My side of the family (what is left of them, DM dead, DF always spends Xmas with SM and her family) are all sorted, visits the weekend of 21st/22nd Dec arranged. Me, DH and DC all agreed we are staying at home on Xmas day, ILs welcome to come or we will visit them on one of the other days as suits them.

DH and his parents have not had a single conversation re Xmas and this year I am not raising the subject with ILs, nagging DH to do do so or getting stressed or involved with the subject at all. I have sorted arrangements with my side, he can do likewise. AIBU?

No, that sounds perfect. OH and I both have large families, and we deal with our own relatives and check up on any decisions with each other.
Works for Christmas, birthdays and general keeping up relationships.
It's not your job just because you are female.

YANBU, so long as he knows this. If you have always done it before then it's not fair to suddenly make it his responsibility without informing him of this, if you see what I mean. But if he's fully aware, then go ahead. As SilverApples says it's not just your job because you're female. Let him sort it for a change.

Yep completely yanbu and by this year they might even be expecting it!

Wrote a reply and lost it as MN went offline!

Kamer, I remember your anguish over the PIL controlling Christmas. I am really pleased for you that you can now celebrate at home with enjoyment and no tension.

YANBU to expect DH to make arrangements himself with the PIL, you could say that you don't want to nag, so you will only have this conversation once with him, and if the PIL don't get invited so be it.

Nope - his parents, his problem.

If in laws speak to you about it - refer them to him.

Thanks for replies. I have had the Xmas conversation with DH so he knows the score. He is probably still hoping that me and MIL will have a chat and get it all sorted without him tho'!

So he loves Christmas at home, but wants you to play the bad guy to MIL and SIL so that he is seen to be 'blameless' in upsetting them? Because clearly he must hate the emotional blackmail and all the upset.

Do they have to have the conversation at all? I'd be inclined to assume that you will do as you've done the previous two years, and wait for the IL's to invite you to theirs. I think that there is something of the 'we're not speaking to them unless they speak to us first' on the PIL part, which is rather shooting themselves in the foot; but maybe it has really dawned on them that you are not budging from your decision and they are sulking! It is still in your favour either way.

I feel your pain, your pain.

Yes leave it to him by all means but if that was my DH nothing would be said or done, the pils would then be dictating and planning xmas and then at the last minute there would be usually stress and problems.

I think perhaps it might be better to say, so, for the stress free xmas we all want, I have sorted out bla and by novemeber 25th I expet you to have told your parents.

Elf, that whole "you need to speak to your parents by X date" is the kind of stress I am trying to avoid this year. I am planning for a laid back xmas day at home, will just add more food to the online Tesco order if it turns out the ILs are joining us on the day....

That sounds like a good plan, Kamer.

If your OH wants to maintain a relationship, have his parents feel included and appreciated and generally part of the family, that's His Job. Yours would be to smile and go along with whatever he's planned.
He may dislike conflict and tricky conversations, so does my OH. Doesn't mean he gets to delegate them.

YANBU not even a tiny bit

Hope you have a lovely stress free christmas, don't back down!

Yes, you could put a time limit on it, if only so that you can put in your orders for Christmas food and organise your social life/visits etc. It would be a shame if, having heard nothing from PIL re: Boxing day or something you were invited somewhere else on that day, but felt you couldn't accept in case there was a major meltdown about it of the 'but you know you always see us on Boxing day' variety.

Update: yesterday (December 3rd), DH roared into action [sarcastic emoticon] with no, not a phonecall to MIL re xmas, but an email to FIL. Note, his dad is 70 and does not check his email daily. I am so pleased I decided not to get involved as if so would be in a positive rage. As it is I am chilled .

That is really funny!

Of course Sods Law means that FIL will pick up this email today and tell MIL pronto! Unless she decides to tell FIL to reply by email, I guess you'll be getting a call soon. Tell DH to communicate this way with his parents every Christmas, as it makes you so happy.

If you have had Christmas at home for the last two years then they might be expecting this anyway so the confrontation won't be so bad.

After 11 years of always going along with their plans I think you have done your bit and deserve the Christmas you want to have.

So last night (9th Dec), no response re email. DH had even been round to visit with DD at the weekend but no mention of xmas email. DH texts his DM to ask if email received. A reply yes, thanks they would like to come to us on xmas day! I could weep at the lack of communication skills present in the family into which I have married but at least can order appropriate size of turkey from Tesco...