AIBU? Worried about the future.

[CocacolaMum]

Buckle up, this is long...

OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)

Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!

We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.

I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.

I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.

Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.

Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"

erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?

Op, your h's abusive history doesn't excuse his current abusive behaviour, but it does to some extent explain it. It might be a starting place if he wants to change and not damage your children in the way he was damaged.

But it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

If he does, his go should be able to refer him for chr-based anger management. Group courses are particularly good, most trusts have them available for domestic abusers (often joint funded by the police and NHS). Even if he does want to go down that road, you do not need to livewith him while he completes the work, nor are you obliged to return to him afterwards.

That should say cbt-based anger management.

Thank you attheendoftheday I think I will tell him to see his GP. I don't really go in for ultimatums as such but I do know that when I said for better or worse it was for me, not my children..

I am bloody tempted to not tidy ds room and keep the door shut until OH comes home so he can see what he did. Maybe seeing it while he's calm would make a difference to how he feels about it? does that make sense? or would I just be kicking the hornets nest?

I know some of you have said he could escalate to violence against me but I genuinely don't believe that would happen. That's not to say that I won't be looking for legal advice. I would like to know where I stand.

I think you should leave it as it is and ask him to clean it up, tell him you're not being responsible for cleaning the mess HE created up.

I think it will kick the hornets nest, but I also think that his reaction will be just the indication you need, and why the hell should YOU tidy it up?

If you are thinking about legal advice, take a picture of what he did to the room.

DH used to break stuff when angry. He had a Narc father and was acting just like him. However, when I said, "this is unacceptable" he stopped, doesn't do it any more. Your DH won't apologise and won't change. This is worlds away form acceptable.

The problem with suggesting anger management is that I seriously doubt he has an anger management issue. He manages it perfectly well by taking it out on his family, like most abusers. Think about it. How many times, when stressed and furious, has he verbally abused his colleagues and smashed up his office? I bet he never has.

"I am bloody tempted to not tidy ds room and keep the door shut until OH comes home so he can see what he did. "

You are only "tempted." Of COURSE that is what you should do. How else is this appalling excuse for a human being going to take any responsibility for his utterly foul behaviour towards his own child?

The way you word it suggests that in the past you have tidied up after his violent outbursts. If that is so, then that makes YOU his enabler.

I'd like to suggest that you lock him out and call the police telling them that you have done this because you are scared of him, as last night he trashed a child's room for no reason. See what they have to say.

But I don't suppose you will.

Trashing a child's room is pretty extreme behaviour.

If you are planning to allow this man across the threshold of your child's home again, I think you need to make sure HE (the dangerous man) is the one that tidies up.

You could take steps to have him excluded from the home he has just smashed up and then you should probably restore it to normal so that your son isn't deeply disturbed by what his father has done to his room.

While there is no way in a million years I would personally tolerate it, I don't think it's true to say that all people who vent their anger on inanimate objects will inevitably end up directing it at people. It is certainly a red flag, but it is an indicator, not a certainty.

OP I'd say you have cause to worry if it noticeable that it is usually other people's belongings which bear the brunt of your OH's anger. That is a common indication that other people are seen as 'lesser' and therefore could become viewed as perfectly ok to hit.

I also agree that the most worrying trend based on what you've told us is that there doesn't seem to be any remorse demonstrated after these outbursts. That and the fact that you are even asked if it's ok to leave the mess for your OH to clear up and that you're scared he may kick off again if challenged in this way. That to me says more about the health of your relationship than your OH's initial outburst.

I can imagine that your OH;s behaviour is very much linked to his experiences with his father, but that is his problem to sort out. You can support (if you want to) certainly, but you can't fix, push or do it for him. He has to have the desire to that for himself.

If anyone else smashed up your house, you would call the police.

Call the police, and a locksmith. Show the police the room, tell them who did it and that you are chucking him out.

If he kicks off when he finds himself locked out, call the police again.

Arrange for the DCs to be elsewhere until he is well and truly gone.

The last time he did anything like this was about 2 years ago. We argued in the morning and I stormed out.
I came back to find that the pane of glass in our patio door was all cracked, I asked him wtf had happened and he had thrown a bowl on the floor in anger, it had bounced and hit the door smashing the door (the bowl was just a little chipped which I was pretty impressed by at the time) and it was so farcical I actually laughed and told him that it was an expensive temper tantrum.

Sorry if I sounded a bit terse, but I am welling up thinking how your DS would feel to see what has been done to his room. Terrified.

Yes, that's the thing.

The kid will be (rightly) terrified if he sees what his father has done to his room.

You won't undo that damage in a hurry.

I am a firm believer that the apple never falks far from the tree. His Dad was the same and if you don't show this this behaviour is unacceptable, your son could end up being the same.

You need to take action on this and show your child that this is not normal behaviour. I would suggest, as other posters have said, seeking legal advice, calling the police and changing the locks. He will not change, they never do. The damage has been done by him growing up experiencing violent behaviour as the norm. Don't expose your children to it for a minute longer.

• Falls!

How will you feel if your DS grows up with the same behaviour having learnt it from your DH. Are you ok with that?

He has smashed stuff up before? Its a horrible way to live, and not normal. Did his dm put up with it? To keep the family together? It hasn't ended well, has it:(

Normalising it and thinking its funny are coping strategies, but in the long run you must see this is no way to live. Your ds shouldn't have to cope with all this. Smashing up his safe place, his room.. How would your dh feel if someone smashed his stuff up? Does he smash up things at work? No- because its not tolerated.

If you want to stay with him, its your choice as an adult to stay, as there are other options - but your ds has no choice, unless he runs away. Is there a grandparent he could live with that would provide him with a safe and secure, happy home whilst your dh works his issues?

I hope your ds has a school teacher or someone to talk to- you should encourage that, however unpleasant for you. He should not be expected to keep his df dirty secrets to present a front of a happy family.

Your poor ds .

Pobble your post makes you sound like a total cow, same to you LadyBeagleEyes and Lavenderhoney - do you really imagine you care more about OPs son than OP does herself?

Do you realise you sound as if you are blaming OP?

I hate it when posters get cross at the OP for not immediately agreeing to LTB.

That's seriously fucked up op.The fact that he was fine at 9pm for an hour,then went to bed then got up this morning and trashed your 12 year olds bedroom is just,well,I can't even find the words.Your ds does not deserve to have his room trashed because he won't tidy up!What kind of adult reacts like that? I find it quite sinister actually.Hope your ok op and definitely get some legal advice and see where you stand.You deserve more than this

Unfortunately you are bringing up a son to see what adult males supposedly behave like! Well - most men do not behave like this, and he is condemning his son to a lifetime of the same unless he sorts his shit out!

That is not normal OP and I'd be very worried if DH did something like that. Smashing things counts as intimidation; it's like he's saying 'I could do this to you'.

Elskovs, not at all.

Op is not to blame for her dh behaviour, and it is in no way her fault. Its a horrible situation for her to be in.

Elskov, no where am I blaming the OP for her DH's behaviour or saying leave him. But the DH had learnt behaviour from his dad and the DS will grow up with the same behaviour. So yes it is something the OP should be considering. There's no need to be insulting. Personally I think your post is bollocks.

So you don't feel sorry for the ds elskovs..
He's 12 and his violent father has trashed his room.
How you can go from my 3 word sentence to accusing me of blaming the op is bewildering.