To text DHs friend??..

[Worrieddd]

Need some advice ladies.

DH has been out on the piss all day. He rarely goes out, infact probably 5 times a year but when he does he does the whole hog and gets absolutely annihilated. I fucking hate it but bite my tongue. Every time it's the same he goes out, and at some point stops texting or answering his phone.

So this morning he left at 9am - text me at 3ish to say he was in a pub. I haven't heard from him since! I'm so bloody annoyed and worried. The thing is he does this every year, every Remembrance Sunday. Last year he lost all his mates and got kicked out of the bar. The year before I found him wandering the streets absolutely smashed. He's always supposed to ring me to pick him up but never does.

So today I have got so angry at him not answering the phone that I've grabbed my parents house keys (they are on holiday) and come to theirs, it's in another town 50mins away.

I guess it's to teach him a lesson. I want him to get home and wonder where the fuck I am and be worried like I am freaking out about now , I also know that when he finally turns up we will have a massive argument and well I don't want to see him in the state he is going to be in.

However I am also worried sick. What if something has happened to him? I know he's got form but what if one time something has happened? argh, shall I text his mate and ask if they're all together? I don't know what to do. One part of me is just to sod it and leave him to fester and when he gets home will be wondering where I am??

Help

[Monetbyhimself]

I'm with Morloth. I can't understand how any woman would settle for a relationship which involves having to prepare a bed with plastic sheets for a grown man to piss in. Beyond grim.

[RoseRedder]

Great advert for Rememberance Day!

And he is at work, if not still drunk, at least well hung

I completely understand why you would be worried, people making an excuse that because he is a solider this behaviour should be excused are wrong imo

[RoseRedder]

sorry , well hungover, not well hung

[RoseRedder]

I have no idea about your DH's manhood, he was not with me last night honest gov

[Workberk]

YANBU at all.

If my husband went out for an unspecified amount of time and hadn't been in touch by 3am - 18 hours later in this case - I'd be worried sick too. Especially if he didn't answer any calls or texts.

But he'd never do that as he's not an inconsiderate arse who feels the need to act like a dick several times a year. If his mate managed to respond to a text, why can't he?

Being concerned about a loved one is not controlling. Your DH is very inconsiderate and if he really wanted to make up for his behaviour there's only one way - and that is not to do it again.

[WholeNutt]

I find it disrespectful that on a day where we honour those who fought for their country and our freedom their 'comrades' choose to get incredibly drunk and that it's acceptable because they too are in the armed forces.

These men are are using the death of many as an excuse to get pissed and that is not acceptable.

[Lilacroses]

I disagree with many here. I don't think you are being in the least controlling or OTT op. I am really shocked at how often getting totally pissed to the extent that you don't know if you're coming or going is seen as something most people do or even "need to do" on a fairly regular basis. I really don't agree that is the case or that it's nothing to worry about....ok you might not call it a drinking problem (I would but I admit I drink very little) but you are putting yourself in a very dangerous position being so drunk and disorientated.

I think if my Dp got that drunk 5 times a year I would be very worried and pissed off, regardless of the very difficult and sad time you've been having. Op is not controlling in the least, she is worried about her husband who has form for getting so drunk he wanders around their coastal town not knowing whether he is coming or going. Jeez, wouldn't you want your Dp to worry about you if you were in that sort of state?

[whatever5]

I don't blame you for being worried if your DH gets totally smashed every time he goes out. Although I don't think your DH has an alcohol problem he needs to grow up and realise that it can be really dangerous to get so drunk that you don't know what you are doing, particularly if your friends are also in the same state.

[LouiseAderyn]

I don't think you are controlling. It's perfectly reasonable to want to know your dh is safe and we all know that when you are so drunk you piss the bed, you are not capable of keeping yourself safe while out and about.

Personally I think that if someone is drinking so much that they piss the bed it's time to stop drinking and I certainly wouldn't tolerate this in my dh. My dh has done this once and was so mortified that he now no longer gets pissed. He has recognised that excessive alcohol turns him into an arse and so now he doesn't do it.

In the end it comes down to him knowing that you worry ( for goid reason imo) and choosing to fo it anyway - that's selfish and intolerable in my view. Serious words would be had in my house and I would expect him to not do this again.

[Strumpetron]

The pissing the bed thing, some people do it only after very small amounts of alcohol. You don't have to be paraletic for your bladder to fail.

[Backinthering]

OP you were not in the least unreasonable. I would have been worried sick.
And Wtf is it with the normalisation of getting so pissed you lose control of your bodily functions?
Only in the UK, most cultures would find this abhorrent.

[zatyaballerina]

I don't thing there's anything unusual about being worried about someone stupid enough to drink themselves to the point where they are extremely vulnerable and incapable of behaving rationally. That's just asking for trouble, he'll be at the mercy of anyone looking for some.

If he was a normal, mature adult capable of taking care of himself you'd be unreasonable but when he's effectively lobotimised himself with alcohol, he's in the very stupid child category. I'd be pissed off with having to treat an adult as such.

[zatyaballerina]

As for pissing the bed - yuck, buy him some adult nappies for the next round of stupidity.

[Whocansay]

Strumpetron and babies / sick / old people do it because they have no / lose control. What's your point? This guy gets drunk and wets the bed. You really think this is OK or normal?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"I can't understand how any woman would settle for a relationship which involves having to prepare a bed with plastic sheets for a grown man to piss in."

I know, seriously

And what kind of person realises that they are regularly getting so out of control drunk they piss all over the bed they share with their partner, and responds by CONTINUING TO DRINK THAT MUCH?

And expects the person sharing the pissy bed to take steps to deal with the urine.

OP - the reason he didn't realise you were out is because he had BLACKED out.

He has a drink problem.

Life is so nice when you don't have to live with a disgusting drunken lout.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Anyone in their unit been killed in recent years? Is it possible that they are collectively dealing with grief badly? Compounded with grief for your baby he might be handling things badly but quietly struggling.

Maybe have a sensitive chat before deciding whether to react badly?

[Backinthering]

I think there's some sexism at play here as well. If the OP had said she drinks so much she blacks out and loses control of her bodily functions, five times a year, she would have been told to sort herself out. If she said it was due to grief, she would be urged to have counselling.
Yet some people think it's a reasonable thing for a man to do.

[Strumpetron]

Strumpetron and babies / sick / old people do it because they have no / lose control. What's your point? This guy gets drunk and wets the bed. You really think this is OK or normal?

Well I thought my point was obvious but here goes: it might be any amount of alcohol that makes him wee, not just being absolutely rat arsed. I was saying some people only need small amounts. Not sure why you're comparing babies and elderly people to that.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Oh if he does say its grief he should get counselling but might need support more than a row.

[PacificDogwood]

Ok, with great respect and apologies if I got this wrong: the OP is not bereaved, is she? She linked to a bereaved mother's thread, yes?

Rockinhappy, I have no idea what the culture amongst sqauddies is, but I disagree that Worriedd came across as hysterical or controlling.
Personally, IF getting paralytically drunk is accepted practice in any group of adults, I would not be comfortable around them.

And lastly, on this thread as in RL there is the misconception that only somebody who is physically addicted to alcohol is an alcoholic. So, if you don't need the hair of the dog to stop the shakes, if you don't drink in the morning, if you are capable of 'normal' social drinking and only ocasionally have total blow-outs, then you are Not An Alcoholic. It's not as clear cut as that, binge drinking is very harmful, both directly (i.e. the liver is very forgiving but does not like repeatedly being assaulted by toxic levels of alcohol whilst going back to normal between bouts. The brain does not like it either) and indirectly (impaired function and disinhibition both lead to poor judgement and young men in particular landing in real, real trouble).

And now amount of feeling a bit sheeping in the morning about having pissed in the bed will make up for actually being dead of exposure or having choked on their own vomit.

Sorry, apart from Worried's obvious relationhips challenge she has on her hands here, this blasé "oh, it's all part of the culture' minimising of something that is actually a HUGE problem for individuals and for society gets my goat.

[QuintessentialShadows]

5 times a year, does not sound a lot? It is nearly every other month!

I could not live with that. Men who drink themselves to oblivion and behave like selfish disgusting twunts are extremely unattractive.

[Strumpetron]

Some people just can't handle their ale, although I'm not surprised after drinking for all those hours. I don't see a problem with 5 times a year, but I would be having words with him about keeping in touch and limiting what he drinks so he doesnt piss all over the show.

If he's a good partner all of the other 359 days I'd cut him some slack.

[Lilacroses]

OP's baby was recently stillborn Pacific so she is bereaved and no doubt they are both grieving for the baby.

I completely agree with your post. I see this time and time again on MN where pretty extreme drinking is talked about as "just letting off steam" and normal. Quite often partners who show concern, anger or frustration are called controlling. This isn't normal, it's very unhealthy both for yourself and your relationship.

[Rockinhippy]

Pacific I do get your attitude to binge drinking & also know too well that alcoholism comes in many firms, including "Social Alcoholics" who can't socialise without getting obliterated, but that doesn't sound like what we have here - they OP hasn't come back & answered the question several have asked, as to whether the pissing the bed thing was a one off, or a regular drunken occurrence, so I will take that as more likely a one off.

& I speak from experience that is part of squaddie culture - my DF was a senior military policeman for a lot of years & it was his job to round them up & throw them in the cells until they had sobered up - we also lived on camp when I was a kid, he was also an officer, his brothers & my Grandad the same - I also lived in a city rife with outlying barracks & you knew to keep out of certain arrears of town when the squaddies were in town, because there would be gangs of extremely drunken hyped up young soldiers, so it really is part of the culture & it would be very difficult for the OPs DH to avoid this all the time if he is out with his mates - trust me 5 times a years doesn't sound so bad at all

[flowery]

Surely any intelligent person who can't control their bodily functions after only a small amount of alcohol would..er..not drink whatever that amount is! Not just drink it anyway and hang the consequences for themselves and their partner. Most grown-ups are mature and self-aware enough to know their limits when it comes to alcohol, and act accordingly.

Doesn't sound like the OPs partner is one of those people where it only takes a small amount anyway.

I feel like I must be living in a different universe from some people on this thread. This kind of behaviour is so far removed from what's normal for anyone I know that I find it difficult to get my head round thinking it's perfectly fine for a grown man to behave that way.