To think that this would be domestic abuse if the other way around?

[josephinebruce]

There's a man I who I know vaguely professionally and have done for about 10 years- he's been married a long time and has grown up children. He talks about his wife and daughters sometimes, like everyone does and recently we were on the same train together and I overheard a phone call (couldn't help it, he was sitting nearby). His demeanour changed completely - from being really laid back and chatty , to being really tense and uptight, and I could hear his DW shouting and screaming at him. The person I was sat with, who knows him better than me, says that she does this frequently. It just struck me because it's exactly what my ExH used to do to me - and he emotionally and physically abused me for years. Can't help thinking that if it was a woman, being shouted at by her DH in that way, we would be telling her go leave him - but I've met some women who think that this person is right to treat her DH this way and almost admire the control that she has over him.

Am IBU to think this is strange?

It's been a while since I was married or had a relationship, so maybe I'm out of touch.

If it is abuse, then it is abuse. No matter whether the abuser is male or female.

Those women you have met are either idiots, abusers or both.

Of course it is abusive. Why would you not think that women can abuse male partners.

Happens plenty.

I hope he leaves her, and soon. And I hope he has the strength to take the children with him.

Yanbu, it absolutely is wrong.

Yes it's abuse.

The woman who lives next door to my Dad regularly screams at her DH, calling him a 'fat lazy cunt' amongst other vile things.

My Dad asked him why he puts up with it and he insists it's because he loves her, they've been together 20 years and 'it's just the way she is'.

Sad but true.

YANBU.

If a man did this to a woman who then posted about it on this site, she would be told she was being abused. A man who posted the same thing would be told the same, but would also be asked what he had done to upset her, and given suggestions of things he could do to make her happy.

Thanks. I did think that maybe it's me that has the problem - afterall, as people say, you never can tell what goes on in another person's marriage. But the change in him when he was talking to her, the way she just completely ignored everything he was trying to say - really shocked me.

He is a lovely man, but I don't think he'll ever leave. Think he's too loyal, too christian, too soft, really. He works so hard and really long hours and his DDs are the centre of his universe - but they are late teens/early 20's now.

Yes. This sounds abusive but it is impossible to judge a relationship from the outside. The other women's opinions on it are ridiculous though. It is unacceptable to behave like that. Hope he finds peace

They are mostly the sort of women who think that men are pathetic creatures who need treating like children!!