To think blatantly ignoring someone for no apparent reason is just plain rude?

[whiley]

I'm feeling a bit raw about this now and can't help but take it personally as it's happened so much this year.

Basically I've had MH problems, went to see a therapist last year and one thing she said that would really help me was to get back out into the world and meet some friends. She said reconnecting with old ones and making new ones were both great things to do and that it would make me feel a lot better. I only have my one BF at this point and he's so unorganised and childless/ish so I rarely see him anyway.

So this year I thought I'd try my hardest to tackle this and make friends. I've tried reconnecting with a few old ones and meeting new ones online. Wasn't quite ready for the leap up to going out to groups and such to meet them.

However it seems to go well with them for a short time and then they cut me off. I'm not sure where I'm going wrong... I asked my friend to look through some of the chats to see if he could see if I'm doing something wrong but he said everything's just normal but interesting conversation and he doesn't get it either. He's not the type to lie for the sake of being friendly either, he's very straight to the point. I'm not a general small talk person, I think the conversations have been going very well and been interesting. But they just stop messaging back as if they give up and CBA with me anymore all of sudden. The conversation doesn't start tailing off either, this happens when it's full flow!

I'm not self centered enough to think it's all about me, they must hate me etc straight away. I do make excuses for them in my head- they got busy, forgot to reply etc. If it's been a week or so I'll give a nudge, just a general how are you message or whatever. Nothing. And they're very obviously online so are blatantly just ignoring me. I wouldn't say I come across as desperate or full on either, it's just friendly...

I've reaalllyy tried to not let it bother me but after the third person did it I just started to feel so disheartened. It's sent my MH which was on the track to getting better almost right back down at square one when it was supposed to help me out. I was only being friendly with people as well and only wanted friendship which I don't think is much to ask... .

I just find it extremely rude tbh. If you don't like someone then either tell them or just unfriend them. It's not like any of them would have to see me again anyway. I'd honestly be able to deal with honesty rather than worrying about where I'm going wrong all of the time. Or if it's not that you don't like them but that you cba with the conversation anymore then at least cut it off by saying "I'm off now" or whatever. God, I always feel so childish with it all but with my anxiety these sort of things bug me a million times more than they usually would. So AIBU to think it's rude and unnecessary?

without seeing the messages it's really difficult to tell. Either you have been unlucky enough to connect with 3 rude people or you are unwittingly making some sort of error.

How intense are the conversations?

I'm trying to think of things I do 'wrong' to see if you can relate to any of them. I never know when to stop replying, so every time someone replies to me - I send a message back. People can in the end just stop replying. But it is better for them to say well, nice chatting to you, got to go now... but not everyone will do that. Some people will just stop responding.

Oversharing. Disclosing too personal information. This can make people back off.

Trying to get them to talk every time they're online. Can feel a bit much.

But it is equally possible that it's none of those things and they just had a chat with you and consider that chat over and there really is nothing more than that. Maybe their devices log them in automatically but they aren't 'there' iyswim. Or they're in the middle of chatting with someone else and genuinely mean to reply to you but forget.

Since your friend has actually looked at the messages and can't see anything offputting about them either in terms of content or frequency, then trust them. Whatever it is, it's not about the chat.

I think you are trying very hard, and over thinking things. Take a step back and relax. You are a nice person, you are worth knowing. People have busy lives and are probably not doing it intentionally, try not to focus on it.
I get irritated by it too. It isn't about you, in the sense that you have done nothing wrong. Maybe use email, rather than chat, so conversation is more progressive? People have a tendency to chat to several people at once, so they are not always concentrating properly on one conversation.
Recently, I was doing something that enabled me to try to some friends out promoting their businesses, and some of them completely my ignored the offer. Is t that hard to say no thanks?
Be thankful that you are not ignorant OP. They have the problem, not you. Sorry this is rambling, am sleep deprived and not very well.Hope it made some sense! Try the relationships boards for some advice?

Thank you very much , you have both made very good and reasonable points.

I wouldn't say I overshare or anything, no. It's never overly personal either, it's usually just music/films/general interests, sometimes politics and so on. And frequency wise I don't bug them, I just give them one more nudge about a week or so after the last message they blanked. I guess I do it just incase it is a case of them forgetting to reply. Online wise I mean I see them posting to others and commenting. One even commented on one of my posts knowing full well he'd been blanking my message .

I know it can be difficult keeping up with various different people and so on so yes could be that. Could also just be that I'm unfortunate enough to make friends with jerks . And yeah I'm glad I'm the one with decency not to ignore people at least , I'll give the relationships board a shot. Thanks.

I think when someone is setting themselves a target or challenge to make new friends, there is the possibility that it comes over as a bit intense. I think friendship is something that has to develop naturally, over time.
I don't really know a lot about making friends on line, but, in RL, I would think the best advice would be to join something, or go along to something that you will enjoy doing - a hobby, a sport, some volunteering - whatever you feel comfortable doing and enjoy doing. It takes you out of your home and means you meet people you wouldn't have met otherwise. You are then pleasant to them, and gradually, over time, a small % of people might become closer friends, but they don't feel overwhelmed by some sort of expectation of 'being' the 'new friend', and having to commit themselves to a prescribed relationship with you, before they've got to know you.
All my friends are people that I've got to know through having something in common in the first place. Equally, I've met hundreds (maybe thousands?) of people over the years, that I've got on fine with, but never made the move to being close friends. I think you need to understand that's OK, too