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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel stressed out about this? (bit long, sorry!)

14 replies

CaramelisedOnion · 09/11/2013 20:33

I feel like a stupid teenager.

6 years ago, whilst living in Spain, I met an american man, and fell for him hard, quickly. It was great while he was there, but then he had to move back to the Staes and although at first we tried, it kind of fizzled out, which was the source of a lot of pain for me at the time. He also said he was hurt about it at the time, but it seemed inevitable as neither of us would even contemplate moving to the other country at that point.

Fast forward to now. I´m a single mum of a little boy (not his!) and have moved back to the UK. He has kept in touch here and there over the years, and all of a sudden last month he tells me is he is in london for work at the end of October and would like to come and visit me. (I´m up north). I say fine, thinking it´ll just be a nice thing to see him, but as an old friend.

He comes over, and for 4 days acts like a boyfriend, really. Very sweet, affectionate, fixes some things around my house, really kind to my son, much hugging, hand holding, and we slept together. He then has to go back to the States, and leaves. We are keeping in touch via text at the moment, and he has sent me a video of him and his mum saying hello, come visit us etc.

He has a very demanding job, and is currently working long hours, and perhaps as a result of this, the contact is not that regular, although I have had a one liner text and sometimes a little more every day.

I don´t want to get hurt again. But I feel something for him all over again. Am I being unreasonable to think that this has any chance of going somewhere? Opinions may have changed re potential of moving, incidentally. I´m just feeling very confused at the moment, and that doesn´t feel good.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/11/2013 20:37

So you've spent less thana week togetrh in over 6 years ? tbh I think he has taken advantage of your loneliness and contact will simply peter out again. He may be busy but you aren't his priority.

Spirulina · 09/11/2013 20:38

So you'd now consider moving to be with him if it worked out?

looseleaf · 09/11/2013 20:39

No wonder you're confused. But the come and visit us doesn't sound that serious as I would feel more confident if he'd asked you to move, or started some discussion about how you can be together more? However good it feels I would be careful not to get too close unless you know his intentions are longer-term rather than just a lovely relationship he can dip into when he has time?
Maybe it would be worth a conversation with him about it if you're able to or if he tried to be close again say you don't feel ready to be close unless there's some intention to try and have a 'normal' more lasting relationship

CaramelisedOnion · 09/11/2013 20:42

possibly, yeah, Spirulina, but i think you might be right, LIZS.

I feel a bit upset, really. I had not opened up to anyone at all since being on my own (been nearly 2 years). Then I take a risk, and feel all lovely for a couple of days.

Its like being given a taste of what other people have, and then having it taken away from me again. :(

OP posts:
Rosencrantz · 09/11/2013 20:43

Sounds like he had a nice holiday romance with you. I'd be keeping it that way. I couldn't give up everything for a man, it's not fair on my son.

PasswordProtected · 09/11/2013 20:48

He didn't have to get in touch or tell you he would be over or even come & see you. Why not try the "come and see us" route? Ask when would be the best time, etc. etc.
At best you find out if he is rally interested, at worst you find out the he isn't.

CaramelisedOnion · 09/11/2013 20:53

i would not be "giving up everything for a man" anyway..Rosencratz.....I would never do that and obviously my son comes first by a mile. I´m saying that if it were to work out, that in a few years one of us might have considered moving now, whereas previously we were both completely set in our ways. Considering this is the first time that I have had anything close to a date in nearly 2 years, and it is with someone I have dated before, and know, I´m a bit upset at the suggestion that I would do something unfair to my son. SInce I´m on the verge of tears as it is I could do without judgy comments about something that is only a distant thought, not even a decision.

OP posts:
CaramelisedOnion · 09/11/2013 20:54

I guess that´s true, password protected.

OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 09/11/2013 21:30

Or he could of spent the last few years releasing he won't find anyone he likes as much as he liked you,

and is trying to find a way to reconnect, if he being open with his mother about you that indicates he is trying to show willing,

You both might find a way to make it work, it might be worth a try, if both enjoyed the experience,

If you don't try then it may never happen.

What does he say he would like to happen?

looseleaf · 09/11/2013 21:35

I agree with PassportProtected as he obviously feels something strong too. It does sound exciting and re-reading my previous post I was sounding over negative but just wanting you to know where you are and it must be harder to have time together to work these things out with the distance. I hope you do see when's a good time to visit and that it works out really well

foreverondiet · 09/11/2013 22:31

I think ask what his intentions are - and be honest to him about how you feel and that you don't want to get hurt - as let's face it - if it's not going to work out you never have to see him again.

foreverondiet · 09/11/2013 22:36

How old is your son? Easy to move to USA with a child who hasn't started school as easy to make new friends at that age. By age 6-8 would be much more upheaval as he would miss his friends. Assuming your son is little and this wouldn't affect the contact he has with his Dad I don't why why this relationship would be a problem Etc.

CaramelisedOnion · 09/11/2013 23:34

son´s dad totally absent (his choice). Son very young (nursery age). I think I´ll be staying positive and seeing how it progresses, don´t want to rush anything but I feel very open right now....and he IS a lovely guy. So....we´ll see. What will be will be and all that. :)

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 10/11/2013 14:59

Yes - stay positive but still think nothing to lose by asking for intentions and where he sees it going! Just so you don't get hurt again.

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