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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it okay to drop a friend because I was not invited to birthday party?

16 replies

gloucestergirl · 08/11/2013 20:48

This is my first time in this very daunting place. So I have my tin helment on.

Basically, I have dropped a friend because she didn't invite me to her birthday party. The background is that I met her a year ago. We used to go to the gym once or twice a week together while I was on maternity leave and she was studying. When DD turned 1 invited her to the party and along when meeting other friends for nights out. I thought that we were close-ish friends.

She is 25 and I am 38, so there is an obvious difference in age. I work, look after DD in spare time and sometimes manage to spend some time with DH. She has a 20-something social life.

But I was hurt when we met up for coffee for her to tell me that at the weekend she was having a big party for a lot of people because it was her birthday. But no invitation.

I feel like a petty/silly/immature child on one hand. But on the other I have just lost interest in being friends. AIBU just to let things slide?

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 08/11/2013 20:50

It's quite possible she just doesn't see it as a big deal, because she is younger, but it does seem as if you have different expectations. Let things slide, without actually falling out maybe?

harticus · 08/11/2013 20:52

YANBU.
Nobody likes not to be invited to things however much we pretend otherwise.
Forget about it and find a new chum.

farrowandbawl · 08/11/2013 20:52

"I feel like a petty/silly/immature child"

That's because you are being one.

Let things slide if you are on different life paths now by all means or if you don't want to be friends...but because she didn't invite you to her birthday party?

Rowlers · 08/11/2013 20:58

I understand what you mean.
It's a bit mean of her to rave about her party and not invite you.
I suspect though, that she hasn't even considered how you'd feel - maybe she sort of presumed you wouldn't be interested?
She hasn't been maliciously mean though, so I wouldn't have a "fall-out".

For me it would be a case of re-adjusting my view of the friendship - not necessarily letting things slide, but maybe just mentally less "close".

defineme · 08/11/2013 20:58

Well if she's really a friend I'd say 'Am I invited...or would I not know anyone?' or if it was after the fact I'd say 'Did you not think I'd fancy it then?'. What's wrong with being direct?
If that's really the only reason and you have a good time when you see her then I'd have it out in a direct cheerful non passive aggressive way!

Original poster

gloucestergirl · 08/11/2013 20:59

I think that you are right parsley -different expectations. The world is very different between kids and no kids. She is very nice and I wouldn't like to lose her friendship...but then by the same token that is why I was pissed off. As harticus said, nobody likes to be excluded.

OP posts:

Rhubarbgarden · 08/11/2013 21:02

YABU. Yes you are being rather childish.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 08/11/2013 21:02

It speaks volumes. Let it go...

Gintonic · 08/11/2013 21:02

What define said. YABU. Maybe she thought you wouldn't fit in with all her younger friends? Or would be offended by drinking/drug taking/ whatever her friends do?

Mintyy · 08/11/2013 21:04

You have only known her for a year and you met at the gym. And you are 13 years older than her. I'm really surprised you would have expected an invitation to her party tbh!

wispywoo1 · 08/11/2013 21:10

I don't think you are bring unreasonable. Deep down we would all be disappointed if we were in your situation. It's not childish. I don't think you should drop the friend but it may be that you aren't as close as you thought or she sees you differently to her going out friends etc.

slindile · 08/11/2013 21:15

i would be hurt too. i reckon she just didn't see you as one of her group of friends. maybe she thought you'd find her immature. maybe she was blotto and knocking back vodkas delivered by a butler in the buff.

JohnSnowsTie · 08/11/2013 21:16

What Mintyy said.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/11/2013 21:22

YANBU, but maybe a bit silly?

If you don't want to be friends, for any reason, don't be friends. Life's too short.

Getting all upset and offended without finding out why she didn't invite you is silly though. She's not hiding it so I assume she feels she had a good reason for not inviting you, probably that she thought you wouldn't want to go.

OHforDUCKScake · 08/11/2013 21:27

You are not silly, immature and all that bollocks.

You're a nice person who met a nice friend, who viewed that friendship differently to the other person.

Thats all it is.

Ive dont it myself, but after a really good 8 year friendship, it really hurts.

Even when its been a year, its ok to have your nose put out of joint a bit when you realised that the friendship you saw wasnt in the same light as the other person saw.

Thats not to say she didnt view the friendship as just that. Just that the view was different.

Dont stop talking to her, just step back.

BillyBanter · 08/11/2013 21:28

Is the sort of party she was having the sort of night out you would want these days? Maybe it just didn't occur to her that it was your sort of thing. It was maybe a bit rude not to ask, even if you were not likely to say yes.

Also friendships are not always even. She might be one of 6 friends you socialise with but you might be one of 30 she socialises with. And you might be 2nd circle in her group and her 1st circle in yours.

That said you can stop being friends with someone for any reason you like. No point forcing it if you don't feel it any more.

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